


Trinity

by clashingHarmony



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fix-It, Force Bond (Star Wars), Multi, Reader-Insert, Shameless Self-Indulgence, Slow Burn, Threesome - F/F/M, eventually, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:35:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 63,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22421947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clashingHarmony/pseuds/clashingHarmony
Summary: “Come with me,” Rey says, her hand extended and her big eyes pleading. “We need to go before it's too late!”“Don’t,” Kylo Ren’s voice sounds as if he is leaning over your shoulder, his voice strangled in the pit of his chest. “Stay with me. We can fix this!”You can see them both, beautiful white glowing before you and comforting black stretching out behind you. She is sparkling blue and he is flickering red, and you are a mess of purple indecision helplessly caught in their gravity.Or, you are the gray born to balance them out.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Rey/Reader
Comments: 161
Kudos: 301





	1. Chapter 1

_You stand on a precipice. A razor-sharp edge._

_Dawn is nearby. The sky is soft blue, caught just before the break of sunlight._

_You can feel the heat of an endless desert. You can hear the hum of mechanized ventilation. Both are true. Neither are present._

_She’s calloused and thin but muscular and hard on your left. Blue. “Tell me again,” she whispers. You can’t focus on her face, she glows too bright._

_He’s strong and lithe but dangerous and cold on your right. Red. “I need to hear you,” he pleads. You can’t see his features, he sinks too deep into the darkness._

_You are caught in the middle. “Triad.”_

_“I don’t know what that means,” she cries._

_“Show me how to understand,” he demands._

_They reach for you. Outshined, overshadowed._

_Gray._

_You tumble end over end into the void. They stretch out their hands but no matter how hard you try, you will never reach them._

—x—

You begin to feel it again.

It starts off as a tingle. A gentle sensation that tickles between your temples, teases from one side of your thoughts to another. It makes you feel floaty, a little disoriented, until you almost trust the feeling. Then that tickle sinks deeper into your skull, claws threatening to tear you apart from the inside-out. Speckles of colors flicker in your vision and you struggle to keep from passing out or throwing up from the pain. 

It’s a terrifying new development. 

“Another migraine?” One of your crew mates whispers with concern when they see you sink into a dark corner of your current ship, and you give them a strained smile as answer. They pat your shoulder and promise to bring you water and some painkillers, even though you know it won’t help. 

This is not a migraine. 

It’s a call, a summons that echoes into a roar that manifests into near-blinding scorching pain that threatens to leave you sobbing and retching almost three times a week. It never lasts longer than an hour, and then the feeling is gone as if it was never there. 

“Are you sure you don’t want us to stop in to see a doctor next time we’re grounded?” Your captain asks you when the most recent one fades, and you force your lips to form as reassuring of a smile as you can. 

“No, that’s alright,” you reassure this man who barely knows you, who will forget you when this job is done, whose worry is professional at best. “My father used to have headaches too, I think it’s just a… hereditary problem.”

It’s close enough to the truth. But it’s easier than admitting to these strangers that the Force has been screaming in your head for the past month, and it was starting to get more and more insistent that you listen.

—x—

You never particularly liked the Jedi. 

Well, that wasn’t entirely fair. You hadn’t met any Jedi and couldn’t speak of any _personally_ , but as a concept, as an _order,_ the stories you heard just tended to make you feel a general discomfort that turned your stomach away from even the best retellings of Luke Skywalker destroying the Empire. 

It wasn’t that the stories didn’t inspire you, quite the contrary. You took to interstellar travel primarily _because_ of those old war stories. But there was something about what the stories said about the Jedi way that rubbed you oddly. “Bringing balance to the Force,” had been remembered as their creed long after the order went extinct, but you could never truly agree with their methods. Balance, you reasoned, should result from an equilibrium. Not from an over abundance of light. 

There was also the whole thing about kidnapping small children, which wouldn’t have sat right with you even if you hadn’t been raised in sheltered isolation for that very reason.

“The brighter the light, the stronger the shadow,” your father had whispered, after you watched the grainy holo depicting the newly-formed First Order destroy the first planet that refused to bend their knee. He had turned to you and said, “Tuck away your crystal.”

So your crystal stayed, tucked away forever on a leather cord around your neck that kept it warm against your breast. With any luck, it would never see the light of day again. 

But the Force was insistent. Clamoring around inside your skull no matter how desperately you willed it to remain silent as it had for so many years in the back of your mind. It would not cease, not until you finished your job and said goodbye to your crew for the last six months and ventured out on your own again. 

You felt a bit as if you were indulging a toddler, if you were being honest. It drew a suffocating hand around your lungs and tugged you along through the starport city, driving a wedge of doubt into the pit of your stomach as you left your most recent crew behind. “Trust in the Force above all else,” your father had said instead of saying goodbye. 

You wandered. You wondered. Your crystal hummed, a childlike energy in tune with your own, as the sensation in your thoughts drew you further and further down into the city underbelly. Down here, less savory market stalls had been set up on the street corners, displaying disassembled droid parts and colorful spices strung up from poles to dry. You felt your lip curling at the sight of an insectoid individual attempting to ply their “live wares” onto passers-by and wondered why in the universe your supposed destiny would lead you down here.

A glint of sunlight hits your eyes between the towering skyscrapers above your head. _Sand_ , the vision whispers, _stretching as far as my eyes can see. Sunburnt skin, prickling on my cheeks and nose._

You shake the images away, scowling deeper. Where are you supposed to find _sand_ in a city like this? 

Sometimes you wish you could speak to the Force directly. It would, at the very least, make you feel better to yell about all the grief it’s been causing you lately.

Sometimes, you hate that you feel it so intimately. _Sensitivity,_ your father had called it. It could be an immense help in a firefight and got more than one of your crews out of more than one sticky situation, but you knew it was also a dangerous liability. Instincts or no, training or no, it would be easy for anyone else with a small amount of sensitivity to pick you out of a crowd like this with your mind so open. But if you closed it—

_Boots heavy on polished floors, my cape billows behind me as I storm down the corridor. Heads turn and knees quake as I pass, their terror makes me strong—_

_I feel you, where—_

You shake your head and press on through the black market stalls, ignoring the voices trying to chip their way into your thoughts. It’s not worth it, but the _feeling_ —you can’t shake it and you can’t escape it. Your dreams are a drug you will never be free of. 

Your feet slow to a stop. Soft music is drifting over you, and it takes a moment for you to realize that it is coming from outside your head. You turn to face the source, and find a grim-looking bouncer is giving you an unimpressed look for standing in front of his door for half a second too long. You brush past him with your head held high as the fist in your lungs bids you, and leave the midday sun behind as you step into a dimly lit cantina. The music continues uninterrupted as you drift your way inside, compelled to take a seat in an inset booth along the walls of the bar. 

It’s been too long since you’ve had time to yourself like this. The music is mellow and pleasing for a bar so deep in the underbelly, nothing like the broadcasts that your last crew enjoyed, or even the one before that. You had been taking jobs left and right for the past year, trying to shake off an impending sense of anxiety that had taken root in the bottom of your stomach. You realize now that the feeling was likely the Force’s first method of persuasion. Your headaches are the second. 

A waitress floats up to you, a smile too easy on her face to be forced. You doubt they get many women here. “What’ll it be, sweetheart?”

_Sweetheart. I’m dying of thirst in the desert. Two portions. Only two portions. I can make it last. It has to last. One more night. One more--_

“Water, please,” your voice scratches harshly. She looks momentarily concerned as you clear your throat and repeat yourself. You’re getting tired of strangers showing you concern. 

She shashays off with a twirl of her short skirt and you sink into the rough upholstery of your seat. You rub your temples and sigh heavily, once again wondering why you’re here. The Force has gone silent and released its hold on your lungs, at least for the moment. Whatever it wants from you, it wants you to be here. 

You trace your thumbnails into the chipped edges of the table as your mind wanders over your last few jobs. Life as a smuggler wasn’t an easy one, but it was safer than mercenary work and it kept you out of the First Order’s eyes—at least for the most part. You were safer the further away from them you could be, and hiding as a smuggler kept you just noticeable enough on their radar to ignore you. 

_Black leather. Heavy breathing. I see you again. Where are you. Show me. WHERE ARE YOU._

_Metal under my fingernails. Dust in my lungs. Aching and heavy. Just a little further. Just a little higher. Show me where—_

_Where—_

**_Where—_ **

“You okay, sugar?”

You pop your eyes open. The waitress has set your water down on the table in front of you and you stare at it for a moment with eyes that are not your own. A hand wrapped in thick dirty cloth reaches up. A hand gloved in black leather picks up the glass. You press it to your lips and take a sip.

“Fine,” you smile tightly. You’re getting very good at lying to strangers. She returns your grin and you start to wonder if maybe you’re just going insane. 

She leaves you with your water and you focus on the here and the now. You watch the ice in your drink float and clink next to each other as it slowly melts in the warmer liquid. You listen to the music. You hear the faint murmuring of common conversations between the other patrons of your momentary refuge, picking up bits and pieces of conversation and even a more bestial tongue in between. This is where you are, thank the Force for that. Now you just had to figure out why. 

Minutes go by of your silence. Then a new feeling, a different feeling, solidifies in your spine and manifests as unease creeping up the back of your throat. It’s your only warning before two stormtroopers come storming into the cantina. 

The music abruptly cuts off. 

The two soldiers stomp further into the bar and you feel like your nerves are lighting on fire. You want to bolt but your instincts are keeping you rooted to your seat. Dimly, you feel a whisper of reassurance in the back of your head, but you shake it off. This is _not_ good.

A shifty mole-faced individual slinks out of the back and wrings his hands nervously as he approaches the stormtroopers. “S-something I could help you with, g-gentlemen—“

He scarcely has the words out before the trooper on the left says, “We’ve been given orders to search for Resistance sympathizers in this establishment.”

You feel another tingle. A very familiar tingle. _Not here!_ You hiss to nothing. _Not now!_

Behind you, you hear the sound of a chair scraping against the stone floor. 

“Cooperate, and this will be painless for everyone,” the second trooper continues from his partner, and as a unit they split off and begin their sweep on either side of the bar. 

You clutch your water and struggle to stamp down your panic. This is exactly why you had been trying to stay in space as often as possible. A new Resistance was steadily gaining traction and supporters against the First Order now that they had allied themselves with the Republic, but that just meant increased patrols and more regular raids on the smaller planet-bound folk. A nobody in space can be ignored. A nobody on the ground will raise suspicion, always. You can feel bile in the back of your throat as the tingle threatens to grow into an ache. The reassuring press against the back of your skull almost feels as if it is trying to push the pain out. 

"Did you hear me?"

A stormtrooper is standing over you. His blaster is clutched in his hands. His posture is tense. “H-huh?” You mumble.

“I _said_ ,” the stormtrooper growls. “State your name and show your credentials.

Fear claws at your throat at the same time something territorial makes you want to sneer. But your sensitivity did not buy you free combat training, nor did your credits buy you the proper identification for this planet. 

Your hesitance must show on your face, because you hear a distinct click and hiss of a blaster safety being taken off. The pain is coming hard and fast this time. At this point, it is a race of time between who will kill you first. 

“This is your _last chance,_ you filthy pile of—“

“‘Scuse me,” a new voice cuts in. “Is my daughter giving you any trouble?”

The reassuring press recoils at the voice. You are left suddenly feeling more alone than before, even as an older gentleman shifts into view above you, carefully easing himself into the space between you and the stormtrooper. 

The trooper sounds dubious. “Your daughter.” It’s not a question. 

“We’re here on holiday,” your rescuer explains, far too casual for the conversation. “Thought we might see the town before I have to send her back to her mother. You know how it is. Messy reunions, am I right?” The man continues to prattle on about useless facts and false relationship drama while you clutch your head and try not to melt into your seat. Eventually, the stormtrooper finally gets fed up and moves along. The man slides into the bench opposite you and keeps up a fake smile until the stormtrooper moves their attention to the other patrons of the bar. 

You slump forward immediately. The pain is howling, but you manage to grit out a grateful “Thank you,” despite it. 

Without his smile, the man looks considerably older. “Bad time for a migraine, kid,” he grunts. You purse your lips, extremely tempted to snark back at him that your headaches are _divine intervention_ , but that would be downright suicidal with a stormtrooper still standing less than ten feet away from you. Instead, you plaster another fake smile on your face. 

“I know, _Dad._ ”

Despite the lie being his, the man flinches. You ignore his reaction and try to bend forward around the table in a way that will allow you to press the cold glass against your forehead without picking it up. This is not at all how you had imagined this day would go.

The stormtroopers leave the two of you relatively alone after that, going through the rest of their inspection without incident. The mole-faced man, who you assume to be the owner, looks so relieved when they leave that you suspect he is trying not to cry. 

When the coast is finally clear, you feel the man’s eyes on you and you decide it is probably time to lift your head. The cold glass wasn’t really helping, anyway. He’s giving you a rather calculating look for a man so scruffy, running his knuckles against the stubble along his jaw as he watches you. His blue eyes narrow for a moment, and you wait as patiently as you can until he speaks. 

“You don’t look like Resistance.” It’s a statement, something close to suspicion in his eyes. 

“Because I’m not,” the Resistance is the last thing you want to be mixed up in. “I’m just here to find another job.”

He raises his eyebrow and crosses his arms on the tabletop. “What kind of jobs are you looking for?”

You shrug. The pain is receding, but you wish you could pinpoint the source of your growing unease. Perhaps it’s just leftover anxiety from such a close call? You try to shake it. It doesn’t feel like the normal warning you usually get. “Anything that gets me off planet.”

“This planet?”

“Any planet.”

The man strokes his stubble again, then flags down your waitress. She looks less enthused to approach your table than before, but the man gives her a charming smile that has her quickly brightening. “Bring me a shot or two of whatever you recommend,” he requests before turning back to you. “I think you and I have a lot to talk about.”

_One half portion. Lights and mechanical hum. Blinding sun and blistering heat. I feel you. I feel you. Where are you. Come back. Show me again. Don’t leave me. Don’t._

The waitress returns with a tray of two shot glasses and you knock back the first one without blinking. You set it back on her tray, and give the man a leveled look. 

“I think we do, too.”


	2. Chapter 2

You’ve been having the dreams for as long as you can remember. 

Since before your father had felt your mind spreading out farther than the confines of your skull, you have been having dreams that left you feeling torn up and torn apart and pulled in two different directions. You dreamed of sand and hunger and loneliness that clawed at your stomach and woke you with tears. You dreamed of impossibly long and lavish hallways with your every need catered to and felt lonelier still. 

You dreamed of being left behind and abandoned.

You dreamed of being hated and betrayed. 

None of it was true, but all of it was real. Your emotions were volatile, left you shaking and angry or seeking out small hidey-holes to escape an oppressive sun you could not feel. 

“They are just visions,” your father had finally explained when he realized that it was not your imagination making up fun and games. “Of different places and maybe even people. But they cannot hurt you, and you cannot allow them to rule you.”

That made sense, but it didn’t make it any easier. The way your father described it, being Force-sensitive with an ability to see visions was regarded as a gift by the Jedi, but you didn’t see it that way. He implied that some users had been able to see the future, had been able to stretch their minds far across the galaxy and see what was needed, but it was always random. 

You never admitted that your visions were constant. Always the desert. Always the stars. Starving, burning, dying of thirst in a barren wasteland. Angry, desperate, fighting for your life on a ship filled with enemy allies. You did not know what your father would have said if he had known. It had just felt safer to keep it to yourself. 

Were you seeing the lives of other people? You had wondered about that for countless nights when a phantom emptiness in your stomach kept you awake. Or perhaps it was visions into a future, different stages, where you were betrayed by a hostile crew and left to die on a deserted planet. (This assumption was part of the reason why you never stayed with one particular crew for too long, just in case.) How could you know? You never would, until it was too late.

But there had also been other dreams, gentler dreams, that came as your mind and body matured. A man and a woman on either side of you, both stretching beyond in different directions but always reaching for you between them. One was a blinding silhouette of white and the other was a yawning chasm of black, both stark against the cloudy nothing around you. You are the cloudy nothing, surrounding them, connecting them, but never close enough to touch.

You don’t know what you would do if you could.

So you put your head down and ignore it, despite the Force attempting to convince you otherwise. You leave your childhood home when the First Order begins cracking down, when your father leaves in the dead of night, when you are old enough to hire on with some spice haulers desperate for crew. You travel, and you dream, and you keep your nose to the ground when the First Order comes around. 

It’s worked well enough so far, and you have no reason to believe this next job will go any different.

\--x--

He tells you his name is Soloman, and he’s looking to hire on temporary crewmates. 

That’s enough information to catch your attention, but he continues to explain what kind of jobs you would be running for the duration of your contracted time with them. It makes no difference to you, so long as you don’t deal in smuggling intelligent life. 

You and Soloman work out some verbal details and agreements over the course of the next few hours and a few more shots. Before long, you have a sparkling new contract and quite a bit of alcohol in your belly, which leaves you feeling floaty and warm as Soloman pays and tips the friendly waitress and beckons you to follow him. 

Outside, the sunlight is just beginning to fade into orange, reflecting gold and copper off of the skyscrapers towering above your head. Soloman leads you down the street to an old speeder, and you accept his offer of giving you a ride back to the ports where your new ship is docked. 

It’s a large _Baleen_ -class heavy freighter, docked on the very edge of the port, looking about as haggard and scruffy as its captain. Soloman parks his speeder in a hangar filled with old equipment and hastily-piled storage crates, next to a pile of smaller salvage ships that had been only half-picked over. You curl your lip slightly at the dust and dirt on the floor as Soloman leads you towards a bulkhead and out into a corridor. If that’s the state of the hangar, you’re dreading the state of the living spaces. You swear, if he just hired you to clean, you’re going to deck him. 

Turns out, the living space of the ship is surprisingly livable, with only some small amount of grime and clutter that you can live with. The rest of the crew is as rough around the edges as Soloman, but they all greet you respectfully enough. From a Twi'lek, a pair of Mandalorians, to even a Wookie of all things, interspersed between a handful of humans, they are probably the most colorful crew you’ve ever had. Soloman asks the Wookie to take you to an open bunk before he’s distracted by one of the Mandalorians, so the Wookie gives you a trill and you assume that means you should follow him now. 

The hallways and corridors are industrial with exposed wires and grates, and your footsteps echo through the metal as you go. The Wookie grunts and trills and murmurs at you over his shoulder, but you only give him a regretful smile in return. “Give me a week,” you say when he stops and opens a door into a sparse but comfortable personal chamber. “And I’ll be able to handle any conversation you like.”

The Wookie gives you a thumbs up, and leaves you to your privacy. You throw your bag onto the open bunk and drop into the thin mattress, not even caring about the amount of dust you kick up. You’re safe behind a floating fortress of steel walls and behind a dozen or so hardened smugglers, about to embark back out into the endless expanse of anonymous space. They won’t find you, not yet, not this time.

_We’ll see._

_Come back._

_Show me again._

_Tell me._

You turn and press your face into the ratty old pillow, and push the voices out of your mind.

\--x--

Turns out, it takes you two weeks before you start to pick up on the more nuanced bits of the Wookie language. 

Life on board the _Eravana,_ as you learn your new home-ship is called, isn’t that bad. Soloman is gruff but fair, and his rougher edges are smoothed over by the sarcastic grumbling of his Wookie co-pilot and second in command. 'Chewie', he introduces himself when you can understand the introduction, is patient with your fumbled attempts to learn his language as the days and the jobs pass. He seems amused by your attempts, and according to Soloman you get the hang of his dialect surprisingly fast. 

You don’t tell them it’s because the language feels familiar somehow, in a way that tickles you into discomfort when you mull about it for too long. It’s easier to just pretend you’re a natural polyglot, the same explanation you give when you surprise yourself by understanding the hums and beeps of a maintenance droid while out on a job. Soloman squints at you when you offer your half-hearted explanations, but doesn’t comment. He gives you the same look when you mention that you have a bad feeling about your next job for an ambassador of King Pruna, but Chewie just laughs away your unease as the crew loads up to do some rathtar hunting. 

He and the Mandalorians are the most excited about this upcoming job, polishing their brand-new plasma-bolt crossbows as they talk animatedly about their plans for the mission. You almost envy their enthusiasm, as the unease in your lower belly only gets worse the closer Soloman pilots the _Eravana_ to Twon Ketee. It is a minor swamp planet with an atmosphere comprised mostly of toxic vapors, which means that just getting down to the surface is going to be tricky. Which doesn’t even take into account the dangerous flora and fauna that have made this planet their home. Luckily, Soloman already has a guide waiting in the wings with your crew, a plucky fellow by the name of Varond. With his help, the plan will ( _hopefully_ ) be a lot easier. 

Why Soloman agreed to haul one of the most dangerous species of carnivorous organism halfway across the galaxy, you will never know.

“Remember,” Soloman says as he straps his blaster into the holster on his hip and the rest of the crew are gearing up in toxin-proof helmets and masks. “Keep the bay doors open, but all the residential doors closed.”

“I remember,” you reply, annoyed that your inability to hide your discomfort with the mission has led to Soloman leaving you behind for the first part of the mission. Someone has to stay topside to close the right doors, he reasons, and you try not to feel too condescended about it.

You close your eyes as you wait on the bridge, listening to the chatter filtering through the radio headsets connecting your crew to the ship. Things are calm and jovial so far, so you let your mind wander. Just a little. Just for a moment.

_A village. The sand shifts underneath my feet as the soldiers fan out across the crowd to flank me. The heat is worse under my cape. No. This isn’t right. Why is he in the sand. Why am I in the sand?_

_A man looks back at me, calm in his defiance. You cannot deny the truth that is your family. Your family. My family? Whose family?_

_Gone._

_Fire. Fire and explosions and screaming and blood and--_

The screaming isn’t coming from your thoughts, from your vision. You jerk upright and knock the radio receiver off the console, and the screaming only gets louder as it cracks against the metal floor. You scoop it up, the voices blowing out the speaker, just in time for Soloman to shout: “Start the tractor beam! Now, damn it!”

You slam your hands into the controls, engaging the tractor pulse and locking onto the shuttle that the crew had taken to the surface all the while the screams and the smell of smoke and burning flesh burns your eyes. 

The whole _Eravana_ shudders when the shuttle docks, and the sound of screams and animalistic shrieking echoes through the halls. You stare at the controls under your hands, then the open door behind you as an explosion rocks the whole ship.

Soloman’s voice crackles across the radio. “Lock her down!”

“But--”

“Every bulkhead, kid, do it! Now!”

You’ve never done it before but your hands fly to do as Soloman orders, as if someone just behind you is guiding you through it. You can feel terror gripping your throat--and anger. But also resignation. Confusion. 

_Let me help._

_I can help._

_Show me._

_Tell me._

_Teach me._

You slam your open hand into the last button and the bulkheads behind you close, leaving you alone in the bridge as the shrieking and the screaming continues long through the next few hours.

\--x--

Soloman is sweaty, dirty, and covered in dried blood when the bulkhead into the bridge slides open. He finds you curled up underneath the console, the long-silent radio transceiver clutched in your white-knuckled hands. You open your mouth, but he holds up a hand to stop you from speaking. 

“I had a bad feeling about the rathars too,” he grumbles bitterly. “Come on out of there. You just got promoted.”

“Promoted?” Your voice scratches. _Parched in the fading sunlight._ “Promoted to what?”

He tosses a satchel at you as he leads you out of the bridge and into the hallways. You ignore the blood smearing the walls, ignore the curling disgust and horror and confusion and regret pushing on your throat. Inside the satchel is a datapad and a sheaf of flimsy, plus a few cards full of credits and a shiny black metal blaster. 

“Third in command. Welcome to the new hierarchy, kid. You ever shoot a blaster before?”

“Yes,” you pull it out and strap it to your hip while avoiding looking at what you desperately hope is the empty helmet of one of the Mandalorians, abandoned on the side of the corridor. 

“Good. We’ve still got a delivery to make, so you, Chewie, and I are about to start pulling triple duty.”

You swallow because you don’t want to ask. Something compels you to be brave. “What about the others?”

Soloman stops short and holds out his arm to steer you down a different corridor, but not before you see the top half of your Twi’lek crew mate laying in a pool of her own blood a few paces ahead of you. 

This time, when the tingle builds into the tearing agony between your temples, you really do stop to retch. Soloman is considerate enough to leave you be.

\--x--

The _Eravana_ is deathly silent after that.

Soloman assures you up down and sideways that the three rathars-- _th_ _ree rathtars this man is a lunatic he got_ three _of them--_ are safely secured in quarantine bays, but that doesn’t stop you from twitching at every creak and groan of the ship. She’s not meant to be run on such a skeleton crew like this, but the three of you make do as best as you can. 

You curl up next to Chewie in the once-crowded common area to watch old holovids during whatever downtime you manage to scrape together, if only because the only other thing for you to do is be uncomfortably aware of the dangerous beasts lurking just a few handfuls of chambers away. You can faintly feel them on your periphery, mindless in their hostility. They’re hungry. 

Chewie, thankfully, is an oddly comforting presence by your side as Soloman goes about the ship to do the dreaded task of cleaning up the remains of your old crew. You can still hear those screams through the static of the radio, can still see the torn-apart body of the Twi’lek crewmate who’s name you never really learned. Even as you sink into the once-plush seating that surrounds the common area and stop paying attention to the holovid, Chewie remains sitting beside you. The warmth of his body and the tremors of his laughter keep you grounded, even as you feel the temptation to slip into despair.

They were not your friends, but you have never lost a crew before. You were always the one who left first. Sometimes leaving behind memories, and sometimes not.

You draw your legs up and curl in tighter on yourself. You wonder why you didn’t feel the usual trepidation that usually warns you away from these types of crews. Why would the Force lead you to Soloman only to subject you to watching his crew be slaughtered?

You really hate the Force sometimes.

_I know._

_You’re okay._

_I’m here._

_You’re safe._

You scowl at the voices. The only person here is Chewie.

Soloman stumbles into the common room not long after that, looking as if the whole weight of the universe is dragging him down. Dried sweat, blood, and dirt is still clinging to his face and shirt. 

Chewie grunts and rumbles a few quick sounds that adds up to an approximation of, “You look like shit.”

Soloman glares at him. “I feel like shit. Don’t rub it in.”

He leaves the two of you in the common area again, this time headed for his own captain’s bunk and likely the refresher beyond that. He’s gone for several more minutes, during which you feel Chewie’s gaze land heavily on your head. When you look up at him, he’s giving you a toothy grin that reassures you better than words ever could. He pats the top of your head with his bearish paws, and you return to watching your holovid.

Until Soloman comes storming back into the common room, still-half soaked and barely dressed, yelling, “I found it!”

Chewie straightens up, makes a noise of question.

“What do you _think_ it is?!” Soloman hurries to fix his leather jacket. “Come on, hurry up, before we lose her again!”

“Her?” You stumble to rise after Chewie scrambles to his feet, rushing to follow them up to the bridge. “Lose who? Who did we find?”

Neither of them take the time to answer you, but in their flurry of activity you manage to figure out that what they’ve managed to find isn’t a person at all, but the trace signal of a ship they’ve been searching for. Soloman and Chewie throw the _Eravana_ into a quick and reckless hyperspace leap, dropping the ship into a new section of space just above the target. Soloman engages the tractor beam, and the _Eravana_ ’s freight doors swallow the smaller ship whole. 

“ _Yes!_ ” Soloman pumps his fist in the air and Chewie roars triumphantly. They scramble out of the bridge, still refusing to answer your questions as you follow them all the way down to the hangar.

“This,” Soloman says to Chewie before the bulkhead doors open. “This is the best damn thing that could have ever happened to us today.”

They sprint out into the hangar as soon as the doors open, but you skid to a stop and stare open-mouthed at the ship they’ve captured. 

It’s a YT-series light freighter that has clearly seen better days. It’s sun-bleached on the top, caked in dirt and sand, and has been endlessly retrofitted with dozens of after-market modifications from an advanced hyperdrive engine to an enhanced shield generator. It’s distinct disk-like shape and left-mounted cockpit, not to mention Chewie and Soloman’s excitement and frantic determination, tell you one thing.

That’s the _Millennium Falcon_. 

Chewie and Soloman. You feel like an enormous idiot.

You’ve been travelling with _the_ Chewbacca and Han Solo, and your goal of staying far away from the Resistance has just flown right out the airlock.


	3. Chapter 3

_ Her light is blinding you but you cannot look away.  _

_ She is closer now than she’s ever been. You can feel her but she’s outshining you, warming you from the inside out. For the first time, she doesn’t feel like sand and heat and starvation. She feels… you feel… you… _

_ He breathes against the nape of your neck, heavy and deep. Where are you.  _

_ She’s here. _

_ I’m here. _

_ And we are together. _

\--x--

You think the artificial gravity of the  _ Eravana _ has gone haywire. You can feel yourself tilting, spinning out of orbit, struggling not to lose the ration bars you ate an hour ago as the girl stares up at you from below the floor of the  _ Millenium Falcon. _

Chewie and Soloman-- _ Chewbacca and Han Solo _ , you remind yourself with annoyance, stand on either side of you with blasters pointed down at the group you found inside the bowels of your newly captured-- _ recaptured-- _ ship. It’s not a crew of trained mercenaries like you had expected. They’re just a boy and a girl, neither much older than you, with a little orange and white astromech droid cowering behind their legs.

The girl is thin and waifish with a round face, her skin surprisingly pale.  _ Why does that surprise you? _ Sunburn kisses pink across her skin, from her forehead to the bridge of her nose to her bare shoulders. She’s dressed in dingy white linens with thick brown leather boots, and her chestnut hair is tied back in three sloppy buns down the back of her head. “I’m the pilot!” she blurts out when Han demands the location of the rest of the crew, her light brown eyes wide and wild with barely restrained panic. 

Her companion, a tall young man with dark skin and short black hair, inches in front of her when Han voices a noise of disbelief. “You?” he repeats incredulously, flexing a hand around his blaster. Chewie growls, you barely catch something along the lines of ‘this might be a trap’ before the girl’s eyes flick towards him and she hurries to correct him. 

“It’s true!” She exclaims. “We’re the only ones on board, I swear!”

“You can understand that thing?” the boy asks, incredulous, and Han’s scowl deepens. 

“Yeah, and  _ that thing _ can understand you too, so  _ watch it. _ ” He glares between the two strangers for several more moments before he sighs heavily and finally lowers his weapon. “More kids. Just what I need. Come on out of there.”

Chewie steps back to put down the grate, and you step forward to offer your hand. The boy takes your hand first, and you grunt as you heave him back up into the  _ Falcon _ ’s common room floor. The girl scurries out easily without losing a hair from her buns, and finally she lifts her eyes and fixes them on you.

Her thin lips part but no sound comes out. She stares at you, through you, into you, and the hair on the back of your neck stands on end. 

She is gigantic in this tiny room, dwarfing and outshining everyone. You’re suddenly terrified by her gaze. Can she feel you? Can she see you the way you see her? Does she know what you both  _ are? _

Something is stretching between you, the tickle in your temples is growing into a roar of pressure without the usual pain. Your blood rushes in your ears like a tidal wave. 

Han breaks the spell when he cuts in front of you, breaking your eye contact with the girl and leaving you blinking dazedly to try and reorient yourself. “Where did you find this ship?” Han growls at the two of them, and the girl blinks several times and licks her lips before she finally manages to explain.

“N-Niima Outpost,” her voice sounds dry.  _ The dry voice, it was her voice, it was hers! _

“Jakku?!” Han blurts out in surprise. “That desert  _ junkyard? _ ”

_ Sand. The sand. It was always the sand. Not a future, a person. She’s a person. The light. The blue. She’s here! _

You feel faint. The air is too thin in here for you to function as your thoughts become a whirlwind. You reach behind you for something to lean against as Han demands more information from the two--still nameless--thieves. They go back and forth about how many hands the  _ Falcon _ has been changed over to since Han lost it, but you barely hear the conversation. 

Your visions hadn’t been about the future at all, yours or otherwise. You know this girl, as deeply and as intimately as you know yourself. You’ve dreamed her nightmares and felt her hunger, you know her loneliness as well as you know your own.

But she hasn’t given you a second look since she figured out who’s she’s speaking to. “ _ You’re _ Han Solo?!” She exclaims, almost childlike in her excitement. 

“The war hero?” her friend asks, surprised.

“No, the smuggler,” the girl corrects him with a frown. “ _This_ is the ship that made the Kessel Run in fourteen parsecs?!”

“Twelve!” Han’s voice sounds far away. He isn't in the room any more, must have wandered off to inspect the rest of the ship when you stopped paying attention. “Chewie, make sure they don’t wander!”

You snort to yourself at the irony of Han ordering someone not to do exactly what he’s doing, but then again the  _ Millennium Falcon  _ is his ship. He has every right to wander it as he sees fit. The noise you make catches the newcomers' attention though, and when you look up again you realize that they’ve both turned to face you. 

“Uh,” you straighten up as the girl’s gaze electrocutes you. You force on a smile. “H-Hi.”

The boy crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow. “Well, I know  _ you’re _ not a war hero.”

Your smile twitches. “I’ll try not to be offended by that,” you manage to snark, and the girl's lips spread into a smile. 

“I’m Rey,” she says kindly. “That’s Finn, and our droid is BB-8.”

You bow your head and give them your name in return. “Charmed,” you add, trying to be polite even though you're reeling. Now the light that’s been haunting you your whole life finally has a name. You look at her, at  _ Rey, _ and don’t see a single sign that she’s feeling anything at all similar to how you’re feeling. She tilts her head to the side when she meets your gaze, smile questioning, oblivious to the turmoil inside you. “Sorry,” you say quickly, shaking your head. “It’s just--”  _ I’ve been having visions of you my whole life. _ “You look very familiar. Have we… met before?”

Finn looks back and forth between the two of you while Rey does something with her face that makes her simultaneously look like a kicked puppy and a slamming door. “Have you ever been to Jakku?” she asks. “That’s where I’m from.”

You’ve never been to Jakku but you can see the rolling dunes vividly. You can feel the fine sand between your fingers, your toes, your everywhere. _The AT-AT half buried in the sand._

Has she seen the forest? Where the trees are so tall that entire cities are housed in their branches? Has she ever seen the monsoons that flood the ground for miles and turn streets into canals for half the year? “I don’t know,” you murmur. “Have you ever been to Arcadia?”

There isn’t even a flicker of recognition at the mention of your home planet. “No,” she says immediately, dashing your hopes. “I’ve never left Jakku.”

She doesn’t know. She didn’t feel you like you felt her. But then why had you heard her voice? How could you have recognized her so easily if she doesn’t feel the same way? How could you know so much about her, when she doesn’t recognize you in return?

Circumstance has trapped between Han Solo’s money, moral obligations to the Resistance and the greater good against your better judgement, and now a girl you’ve been sensing your whole life who doesn’t recognize you.

You really,  _ really _ hate the Force sometimes. At least things can’t get any worse.

\--x--

You come to the conclusion, as you scramble on all fours down the auxiliary passages below the  _ Eravana  _ corridors alongside Rey and Finn, that things could, in fact, have gotten much worse.

First, you found out that the little round droid accompanying Rey and Finn held a secret map to the mythical Luke Skywalker, and it had to be returned to the Resistance as soon as possible. That wouldn’t have been so bad, if Finn hadn’t appealed to Han’s sense of nostalgia and convinced him to help them. It seemed that your current path was sending you on a collision course with the Resistance after all, and you were in too deep to get out now.

Secondly, while everyone was distracted on the  _ Millenium Falcon _ by Han and Rey debating about some unnecessary compressor, the  _ Eravana  _ had been tracked, breached, and boarded. Han sent you down below with the ‘new kids’, into the maintenance tunnel below the grate flooring where the power and circuits for the whole ship were run along the walls, keeping the precious droid for themselves to protect while they dealt with the intruders. The intruders turned out to be loan sharks, two individual gangs that had teamed up to demand a return on the investment they made into Han’s rathtar job. 

Then you found out that little BB-8, and Rey and Finn for that matter, were being hunted by the First Order. So you wouldn’t be escaping  _ them _ either.

And then…

And then Rey set the rathtars loose.

She had a good plan, in theory. The gangs had flanked Han and Chewie and cornered them in the corridor above you. Rey had recognized that they could access the bulkhead doors from below by tripping their connected fuses on the wall, which would trap the gangs in their corners between the bulkheads and give everyone some time to escape. But when she hit the fuses, the lights on the  _ Eravana _ went dim, and an unholy shrieking filled the corridors.

“Uh oh,” Rey whispered, as ice ran down your spine.  _ Not again.  _ “Wrong fuses.”

The screaming had erupted not long after that, two of the vicious creatures immediately setting their teeth and tentacles on the gang members. You hadn’t seen the rathtars when the crew first got them on board, and you sure as Hell didn’t want to see one now.

“This was a mistake!” Rey yells.

“Huge!” Finn agrees.

“Move!” You order them, and they go.

Which is how you find yourself crawling behind Rey and Finn down the maintenance tunnel as fast as you can. You’re chased by the sounds of terrified screaming and tearing limbs— _ the Twi’lek torn in half on the walkway, oh, why didn’t you learn her name?! _

_ Focus. _

The Mandalorian’s helmet laying upside down in the blood. More bodies now, littering the corridors in pieces—

_ FOCUS! _

You hear your name being called from above you. You look up--Rey and Finn have found another access hatch and have already climbed out of the tunnel. “Come on!” Rey yells at you desperately, her big eyes wild. You reach up for them.

They snatch your wrists in equally calloused hands, rough palms scratching your skin as the two of them haul you back up onto the grate floor of the corridor. You look up. A boot is laying on the walkway in front of you. A bloody stump of an ankle is still sticking out of it.

You want to retch. Right then and there, you want to upend the contents of your stomach. It’s getting harder and harder for you to breathe. You can’t do this. You can’t watch them all die again. Your legs won’t move. You can’t get up.

_ Come on, come on, yes you can! _

Finn’s hand is warm as he touches your back. Rey kneels in front of you, both of them somehow finding the time in their own panic to be worried about you.

“We can’t stay here,” Rey says urgently. “We need to find Han and BB-8!”

“Can you walk?” Finn asks quickly. “We gotta hurry, come on!”

You suck in deep breaths of air, as hard and as fast as you can. You close your eyes, trying to Will yourself to stand.  _ Get up. Get up! _

Something almost like hands reaches into your bones and pulls you to your feet. You stumble but Finn catches your elbow, and the three of you take off sprinting together. 

Rey leads you down the corridors toward the sound of blasters and laser rifles and screaming. You round a corner as the cacophony grows louder, and all three of you skid to a stop at the sight that meets you.

A gaping circular maw with multiple rows of razor-sharp teeth has eclipsed the whole corridor. Multiple gang members are standing between it and the three of you, shooting their blasters and rifles down the beast’s gullet without slowing it an inch. Flailing tentacles lash about at random, catching limbs and throwing men into walls or into the creature’s jaws. 

You understand, now, the real reason why Han had banished you to the bridge. 

_ Run. Run! _

_ Can’t move. It’s horrible. Never seen something so horrible. My legs won’t work. My feet, I can’t—can’t look away— _

_ RUN, BOTH OF YOU! _

You’re roughly yanked backwards. You stumble and turn—Finn has both you and Rey by the wrists, dragging the two of you together behind him in the opposite direction of the fighting and the screaming. 

The corridors become a blur. The ship that has been your home for nearly a month is unfamiliar to you now. You should be the one leading the way, guiding Finn and Rey to safety, but your rational thoughts have completely shut down. You’re at the mercy of your panic now. 

As you sprint, another rathtar rolls out of an open hallway and sets its sights on the three of you. You don’t know if it’s the same one from before or if it’s one of the other two, but Finn is quick to push you and Rey into a sharp 45-degree turn down another corridor. When had the  _ Eravana _ become such a twisting maze of hallways? Why can’t you remember which way leads back to the hangar?

_ Why do you know you need to go to the-- _

_ Get in the Falcon get in the Falcon escape get out we can get out-- _

Finn screams. You and Rey stop short and lurch around just in time to see the rathtar’s tentacle has caught him by the ankle, quickly coiling further up until it has him around the stomach. “ _ Finn! _ ” Rey shrieks. 

“ _ Rey! _ ” Finn screams both of your names as the rathtar lifts him from the ground and drags him away, down another corner and through an intersection. Rey takes off after it and you’re right on her heels, but the remaining tentacles are still flailing around behind it. You just barely manage to push Rey out of the way before it can grab her too, but by the time you both climb back up to your feet, Finn and the rathtar are gone.

_ The Twi’lek torn in half--Finn torn in half--can’t let that happen--can’t-- _

The thoughts are pushed abruptly out of your mind, cut short and unfinished. _Have to focus._ _Gotta find Finn._

“Shit,” you gasp for breath, raking loose hair out of your face and looking around the intersection for some kind of sign as Rey pants beside you. “ _ Shit. _ ” 

Rey grabs your wrist. Fire ignites in your stomach as she pulls you forward, shouting Finn’s name. You can just barely hear him respond, and Rey drags you in that direction for another few corridors. You look left, Rey looks right, but Finn’s voice comes from right behind you.

It’s the main security room. Finn’s voice is leaking out of the video screens for the ship’s cameras, and Rey rushes to the control panels. “Bulkheads,” you tell her, as her eyes flick across the screens.  _ I can trap him I can save him he won’t end up like-- _

“Don’t--” You barely manage to yelp, as Rey’s hand slams down on the control button.

Finn’s screaming stops. Rey grabs your arm again, and the two of you find Finn just around the corner.

He’s frantically kicking the bisected tentacles away from his body and yelps when you approach him. His eyes are wild. “It had me!” He says as you and Rey check to make sure he still has all of his pieces. “But then--the door--”

“That was lucky!” Rey quips, and the three of you take off as one back towards the  _ Eravana _ hangar. 

You find Han and Chewie just inside, beyond the shot-out remains of the bulkhead door. Chewie is favoring his right arm, growling in pain, as what remains of the two gang members fire their blasters over your heads. 

“You!” Han points at Rey as she passes him. “Close the doors behind us! You, take care of Chewie!” He pushes the Wookie onto Finn, who grunts as his weight is passed over. Han snaps your name as well, ordering harshly, “Get to the cockpit and get her started for me!”

Rey darts up the  _ Millenium Falcon _ ’s ramp first, vanishing inside. Finn follows after her as quickly as he can with Chewie’s weight dragging him down. You jump to help as Chewie stumbles, putting your hands on his furry back to hurry him up the ramp. 

You lose sight of Rey and Han as you help Finn half carry and half drag Chewie to the open bunk on the side of the  _ Falcon’ _ s common room. You haven’t known the wookie long, but you know he’s a big baby when it comes to injuries, and you’re certain that blaster wound on his arm is going to cause you and Finn a lot of trouble. 

Blaster fire is rattling across the  _ Falcon’ _ s hull as you and Finn struggle to force Chewie to lay down. BB-8 rolls around behind you worriedly, a long string of beeps and whines escaping him as Chewie roars and snarls. “Come on,” you growl back at him, definitely not in the mood to deal with a Wookie tantrum right now. “Finn, find a first aid kit!”

“I’m working on it!” he snaps back at you, tossing random items across the room as he searches the drawers and compartments.

You hear your name being shouted from the front of the ship. “I need you up here!” Han is yelling. 

“Busy!” You shout back, and catch Rey dart down the hall to the cockpit out of the corner of your eye. 

Finn finally finds a first aid kit as the  _ Millennium Falcon _ shudders to life, her engines roaring underneath your boots. He tries to hand you a roll of bandage gauze, but the floor shifts as the  _ Falcon _ lifts from the floor and he stumbles into Chewie’s side. Chewie snarls and swats the roll out of Finn’s hand, sending it flying across the room.

Anger, hot and fierce floods through your whole body. You have watched half a dozen people get torn apart by rathtars that want nothing more than to eat you all while another dozen gang members rain blaster fire down at your ship and Chewie is pitching a fit over getting a scratch?!“That’s  _ enough! _ ” you snarl at him, loud and fierce enough that Finn freezes and Chewie’s eyes swing up to look at you with surprise. “Cut this  _ shit _ out right now and let us help you, or I  _ swear-- _ ”

Your words are cut short as the whole ship shudders and launches forward, pitching you face-first into the metal shelf above the bunk.

As the  _ Millennium Falcon _ jumps into hyper-speed, you slump to the floor, unconscious.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I would like to mention that in the process of writing this chapter I realized that I had been incorrectly spelling the word "Wookiee". I apologize if this has been bothering anyone, and it will be corrected moving forward.  
> Secondly, I would like to thank everyone who has left their kudos and comments on this fic so far. It means so much that you're all enjoying this story that began as a random thought in my head, and I hope you continue to enjoy it as it unfolds!

_Forgive me._

_I feel it… again._

\--x--

This time, the vision is different. 

Before, when you would drift to sleep and be gifted with images of far away places, they were all just dreams. Always hazy around the edges, blurry enough that you could only just barely make out a bigger picture. You’ve never been able to see such... specific details. 

This is entirely new.

You’re standing in a room so large it may as well be a cavern. The walls reach up so high you cannot see the ceiling, jaggedly carved from black stone. A dark haze clings to the air here, causing the small amount of low-positioned light to cast slivered beams across the polished black floor. 

You shiver from the cold, but you cannot see your breath when it leaves you in one long gust of amazement. As you rub your arms for some feeble amount of warmth, you look down and realize--you cannot see your own body.

“The droid will soon be in the hands of the Resistance,” a deep and booming voice echoes through the cavern, rattling inside your skull and making your blood run cold. “Leading them to the location of _Skywalker_.”

You turn slowly, hesitant to face the source of the chilling voice. A man--what you _think_ is a man--towers above you in the hollow room. His face, haloed and hidden by a thin light cast down from behind him, is wrinkled and twisted in a way that borders on disfigurement. He reclines in the shadows on a black granite throne, the arm of which is at least three times as tall as you. His size only amplifies the pressure of his presence, making you feel light-headed and faint. Even the black figure from your dreams has never felt as dark or as intimidating as this man.

“If Skywalker returns,” his voice is grave and slow. “The new Jedi… will rise.”

“Supreme Leader,” a new voice speaks up, lighter and not nearly as all-encompassing. You look down, startled by the sight of two human-sized figures standing between you and the giant. The one speaking is a ginger-haired man in a pristine black uniform, hands clasped at attention behind his back. “I take full responsibility for--”

" _GENERAL!_ ” 

You flinch as the giant roars, rising to his feet to tower even higher in the cavernous room. The ginger-haired man falls immediately and obediently silent. “Our strategy,” the giant growls. “Must now change.”

On the other side of the ginger-haired man, you see a shadow move. 

Just the faintest tilt of a head in your direction is enough to distract you. The figure beside the ginger-haired man stands taller and broader, his whole body obscured by thick leather robes and a cowl. As he turns, you see the glint of silver inset on a mask that completely hides his face. 

Covered head to toe in black, you wonder how you could have known the figure was male--and then you recognize him. The shape of him beneath the robes, the way his presence comforts you under the terrifying presence of the giant, the way you _know_ he can feel you standing behind him. 

Your shadow. The darkness to match Rey’s light. 

“Go,” the giant says now, and the masked figure turns away from you. “Oversee the preparations.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

You suddenly feel as though ignoring the ginger-haired man in favor of the black figure has cost you dearly. He turns to face the mask of your shadow on his left, and you see a glint of his smug satisfaction in the gaze they share. Then the ginger-haired man turns sharply on his heel towards you. 

You stumble back, certain for a split second that his body will run straight into you, but the ginger-haired man does not pause in his stride. He phases though you like wind without even the slightest disturbance. You breathe out sharply and clutch your upper arms, heavily unsettled by the sensation. 

As the ginger-haired man leaves, the giant settles slowly back down into his throne. The silence that stretches through the next few moments is more deafening than his voice. He sits there and just watches your shadow, completely still, until his giant eyes slowly slide towards the empty space beside him.

“Did you think I would not see you, _girl_?”

Your shadow jerks, like he’s been struck. You lurch backwards as if you’ve been shoved violently in the chest. The giant roars again, furious, leaping back up to his feet--

“HOW _DARE_ YOU TRY TO HIDE SOMETHING FROM ME--”

\--and then you see nothing at all.

\--x--

When you open your eyes, Finn is leaning over you.

He’s less than half a foot away from your nose, his wide eyes blinking down at you for a split second before he jumps back in surprise. Behind him, BB-8 rolls around making little frantic beeps as he exclaims, “You’re awake!”

Perhaps, but you sure as hell wish you weren’t. Your head aches terribly, all but throbbing behind your eyebrows and Finn hasn’t helped at all by scaring the life out of you. The pain is too localized to blame on a Force-induced migraine, so you come to the conclusion this one is entirely physical. 

Finn backs away as you try to sit up, his surprise quickly morphing into a frown. “Woah, woah, not so fast,” he murmurs, strong and calloused hands gently but firmly pushing you back to laying down. “You got knocked around pretty bad, take it easy for a second.”

That’s a bit of an understatement. You reach up to touch your head and wince when your fingers brush against a tender spot just above your eyebrow. That must have been where your head slammed into the cabinet during take-off. Since then, you’ve been moved to the lounge seats across the room since Chewie’s hulking unconscious mass is still dominating the only bunk. 

Finn’s gaze is obviously concerned and obnoxiously patient. “How are you feeling?”

Honestly? You feel like absolute garbage. Your thoughts and emotions are an absolute mess, trying to make sense of what you’ve just seen with a splitting ache in your skull on top of it all. That new kind of vision makes you uneasy, not helped at all by the image of that terrifying giant turning his piercing gaze on you. The ginger-haired man had called him the ‘Supreme Leader’, but surely that didn't mean he was the same ‘Supreme Leader’ of the First Order. Right? 

Dread settles in your stomach with an ache that weighs you down heavier than the pain in your head. Not even knowing you saw the figure of your black shadow as close to real-life as you’ve ever gotten is enough to shake the feeling away. 

But Finn is still waiting expectantly, so you put on as best of a wry grin as you can manage and say, “Not great.”

Finn raises an eyebrow but thankfully accepts that as an answer. BB-8 pushes the first aid kit from before closer to him across the floor, and Finn leans down to root through it. “I had wanted to wait until you came back around to give you some pain killers, but Chewie ended up using most of them.” He shudders slightly and your grin becomes easier at his disturbed expression. “Would have applied bacta, but it turns out that Plutt’s-his-name hadn’t bothered to resupply anything while the _Falcon_ was collecting dust on his lot.”

“It’s fine,” you mumble, brushing your fingertips against the tender spot again. You cautiously make another attempt at sitting up, and this time Finn lets you. “How long was I out?”

“Only a little while,” he shrugs one shoulder. “We’re still in hyper-drive. Hold still for a second.”

You still, and Finn reaches up with a thin pad of gauze moistened with antiseptic. You wince as he dabs the pad across the sore spot on your head, but make no comment even though discomfort is bubbling inside you. How long has it been since someone else took the time to tend to one of your injuries?

When he's done with the antiseptic, Finn produces a small rectangular sticky bandage from the first aid kit. You can feel just how calloused his fingertips are when he brushes them across your forehead, pressing the bandage into place. He leans back when he's done, nodding with satisfaction. 

"Thanks," you mumble as he packs up the kit.

"Don't mention it," he replies easily, but you can tell that being able to help you has pleased him greatly.

BB-8 rolls up to your feet when Finn rises to put the first aid kit away, and you reach down to give the little worried droid a reassuring pat on the... head? Brain-casing? Head is probably the most accurate. He zips around in a few little circles, chirping happily, and you laugh as you pick up how happy he is that you're doing okay. 

You lean back on the lounge seat and Finn returns to take his place by your side. He drops his head against the back of the seat with a tired sigh, and you sympathize. Your eyes roam across the common room, taking it all in for the very first time. Everything is old and outdated with a thin layer of grime, but you can tell it have been loved dearly once upon a time. With any luck, Han and Chewie would be able to bring the _Millennium Falcon_ 's interior back to her former glory.

But then you realize that someone is missing. Finn jerks his head back up as you spin sharply towards him. “Where’s Rey?!”

BB-8 yelps and rolls quickly away from your harsh voice. Finn puts up his hands in mock surrender. “She’s co-piloting for Han,” he explains quickly. “Since Chewie is out of commission.” His eyes narrow slightly. “...why?”

You blink once and reach out in your mind. On one side you hit something that feels like a wall, but in the other direction you sense Rey’s gentle white glow from just a few dozen feet away. From what you can gather, she’s having the time of her life. Thoughtlessly, you prod a bit at the wall you feel, only to be stung back into the confines of your skull. Is your shadow rejecting you, now that you've been caught by the Supreme Leader? 

Finn crosses his arms and leans back, frowning deeper. You shake the sting of the mental rejection away and focus back on the person in front of you. “Sorry,” you murmur. “I couldn’t remember if she got on the ship or not. I was just worried she got left behind.”

Finn’s expression softens at the lie. You feel a little bad about it, but at least he doesn’t look quite so suspicious anymore. “I understand,” he says with something like sadness around his eyes. “Things were pretty crazy before. Hang on, let me go grab you some water.”

You thank him as he gets up, more for giving you space than for getting you something to drink. You sit in the quiet as he leaves the room, letting each breath shudder out of you as they come. 

When had your life spiraled so far out of your own control? Just last month you were leaving behind a different crew and lifestyle as easily as some species would shed a skin. Today, you’ve been through two ship-wide massacres, joined a pair of First Order fugitives in their mission to escort a droid to the Resistance, and had the most vivid vision of your entire life that left you right in the sights of the First Order’s Supreme Leader.

You used to be so careful. Now all of your previous efforts were going up in smoke.

After another moment to reflect on all your bad decisions since your chance meeting with Han Solo, you find your gaze drawn to the other side of the room. Chewie is still snoring loudly, with his head slumped forward and his knees bent awkwardly so he could fit inside the human-sized bunk. A hastily-wrapped bandage circles the site of his blaster wound, thanks to Finn. Gingerly, you push to your feet and cross the room towards him. 

Guilt eats at you as you remember how angry you had been before. Adrenaline and stress had taken over. Chewie has always been calm and comforting to you, and you responded to his injury like a child. 

Your eyes drift down to the bandage on his arm. Finn had done a good job despite Chewie’s struggling and the lack of bacta, and you’re surprised by how oddly… militaristic the field-dressing is. Still, the wound is seeping red through the white gauze, and you know it will be far too long for Chewie to get back in fighting condition. You have a bad feeling you'll all be doing a lot more of it soon.

Taking another shuddering breath, you hold up your hand and close your eyes. You reach out in your mind, brushing up against Rey’s warmth and the boundary holding you back until you find the Wookiee’s energy where it edges up against your own. Coarse fur and tough skin, fat and muscle, tendons and ligaments and bones as strong as durasteel. You furrow your brows as you seek out what has been burned away by plasma, pinching the ends with your thoughts and willing them to knit back together. 

When you open your eyes the wound has scabbed over, and Chewie has stopped snoring. He’s staring at you, expression grave, and you lift a finger to your lips. You look down to find that BB-8 has rolled up to your feet again, and you give him the same gesture. Both of them give you tiny nods. _Our little secret._

Finn returns soon after that with a bottle of clean water and a ration bar that hasn’t yet expired. As you sip and chew you start to feel a little bit better, and it isn’t long before Han finally reappears from the cockpit. He looks a little haggard and rough around the edges, but no worse from the wear. 

“How you doin’?” He asks Chewie, who glances your way before starting up a short list of pitiful complaints about his injury for Han’s benefit. “Oh, don’t say that,” Han says, gruff even in his reassurance. “You did great, just rest.” 

Han turns to you and lifts his eyebrows. “What about you?” he asks next, gesturing to his forehead. “How’s the, uh…”

“I think I’m okay,” you grin. “Who are you, again?”

Han scoffs and rolls his eyes, but you can see a little bit of tension leave his shoulders. Next he looks at Finn beside you, and though Han’s expression doesn’t exactly soften you can tell he’s grateful. “Good job, kid,” he praises Finn quietly, nodding at you and at Chewie. “Thanks.”

“You’re wel--” Finn stops and clears his throat, averting his eyes. “You’re welcome.”

Another set of footsteps come down the hall from the cockpit, but you don’t have to look up to feel Rey enter the room. Her glow can’t be ignored but it’s getting easier to see around it. Having her closer makes you feel better, too. 

“So,” Han says as she stops behind Finn, both of them looking up as he puts his hands on his hips. Amusement colors his voice. “Fugitives from the First Order, huh?”

“The First Order wants the map that BB-8 is carrying,” Rey explains. “Finn is with the Resistance, I’m just a scavenger.”

The concept that Rey is ‘just’ anything is almost laughable but you keep your face as schooled as you can. She has to realize her potential in her own time, when she’s ready. 

Beside you, Finn shifts awkwardly. He pointedly looks away when Han glances down at him. Han’s lip quirks up slightly, and then he turns to BB-8. “Alright. Let’s see what you’ve got, ball.”

BB-8 turns to Rey and chirps inquisitively. Her returning smile is warm and encouraging. “Go ahead.”

At her nod, BB-8 rolls out to the middle of the room. Tilting his ‘head’ back, blue light springs to life above him as he projects the holographic map into the open air above him. Stars and planets materialize around you, filling the room with a miniature galaxy. You’re no stranger to star maps, but this one is intricately detailed in a distinct way you’ve never seen before. You can’t quite put your finger on what’s wrong with it until your eyes land on an orange dotted line spanning the whole map. You furrow your brows. Don’t maps usually _lead_ somewhere? This one just charts a single route from one end to the other with no destination in sight. Why would it--

“This map’s not complete,” Han says after a moment. “It’s just a piece.” 

“Why would they split the map into pieces?” You ask in confusion. 

“Probably to make it harder to follow,” Han explains grimly. “Ever since Luke disappeared, people have been looking for him.” He takes a few steps through the little section of the galaxy, his eyes never leaving that dotted orange trail. 

Rey settles into a chair by the navigator’s corner, her legs drawn up under her in lotus-position. “Why did he leave?”

Han stops, his face morphing through a few different emotions before he speaks again. “He was training a new generation of Jedi,” he says finally, and you wonder why it sounds like he’s admitting something. “One boy, an… an apprentice… turned against him and destroyed it all.”

_Fire and rain. Crumbling walls and screams. No! I didn’t want this! The betrayal is sour in my heart--_

“Luke felt responsible,” Han continues his slow stride around the room. “Just… walked away from everything.” _From everyone,_ you don’t hear him say.

Finn slowly rises from the lounge seat. “Do… you know what happened to him?” he asks Han’s wandering back carefully.

Han shrugs slightly, distracted. “There were a lot of rumors. Stories. But the people that knew him best think he went looking for the first Jedi temple.”

Your own discomfort is at war with Rey’s reverent excitement. “The Jedi _were_ real,” she says, breathless with wonder. 

“I used to wonder about that, myself,” Han sighs heavily. “I used to think it was just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo.” He huffs a small laugh. “A magical power holding together good and evil, the dark side and the light? It’s almost laughable… but... the crazy thing is...”

Han slowly turns back around. His eyes move from Rey to Finn and finally land on you. You swallow thickly, discomforted by what you see in the weight of his gaze. “It’s true. All of it. The Force, the Jedi, the struggle for balance… it’s all true.”

 _A figure of white and a figure of black. You had never realized that they were standing on either side of you, in opposition. Rey, sparkling blue in the space beside you, and your shadow, flickering red at the side of the First Order_.

It never occurred to you until now that they might have been enemies all along. 

A soft beeping fills the air, breaking the tension of the moment. 

Han blinks and BB-8 stops projecting the map, leaving the room to feel momentarily empty. Shaking his head, Han takes a few short steps to the navigator’s terminal. Chewie growls about wondering if he needs any help, but Han scolds him back into the bunk with a firm, “No, you rest.” He flicks a few buttons and switches as Rey does her best not to hover over his shoulder. 

“You kids want my help?” Han mutters, still swatting at switches. “Well, you’re getting it. We’re gonna go see an old friend, she’ll get your droid home. C’mon, the lot of you. This is our stop.”

Chewie settles back into the bunk while Han leads you, Rey, and Finn back towards the cockpit. He slides into the pilot’s seat and Rey quickly plops down beside him, leaving you and Finn to take the two passenger seats behind them.

With a few careful directions to the toggles and knobs on the dashboard, the _Millennium Falcon_ drops elegantly out of hyperspeed. A mid-sized green planet speckled with spots of blue immediately leaps up to greet you. 

Han angles the _Millennium Falcon_ down towards its surface. “Welcome to Takodana.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to start cross-posting this fic onto my FanFiction account as well. You can find me there (and some older works I've since abandoned) by my username 'clashingHarmonyx'.  
> As always, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy this next chapter.

Takodana reminds you of home.

Not for the height of the trees here, because you have memories of forests that tower high into the clouds on your home planet. Whole villages could be nested within the branches, held together with bridges and rope-swings and walkways. In comparison, Takodana’s forests look juvenile. Wild and over-encompassing perhaps, but still just infants. 

The sense of nostalgia comes from the colors more than anything else. Green covers most of the planet, the plants and foliage have overgrown into almost complete dominance. Pockets of sparkling blue lakes connected by thin rivers are interspersed throughout. 

Han flies the  _ Millenium Falcon _ over the treetops, doing a few quick laps of one particular area of the forest. Wistfulness pokes at your eyes, and you blink away tears that are not your own.

You follow the feeling to Rey. She sits in dumbfounded wonder across from you in front of Finn, her hands gone slack on the console board. You remember the orange sand spreading out for miles in every direction. The only blue she has ever known is the sky. If she never saw your home the way you see hers, then she’s never seen a forest before at all. 

Her voice is breathless, barely a whisper. “I never knew there was this much green in the whole galaxy.”

Han’s head turns slightly towards her. The last time you had seen him make that expression, he was sitting across from you in a dusty old cantina and giving you a place on the crew of the  _ Eravana. _ A smile curls your lips upwards at the idea of taking Rey to every green world you could possibly imagine. 

Finally, Han finds what he’s been looking for. A stone castle rises up from between the trees on the edge of a wide lake, with towers reaching tall into the sky as the  _ Falcon _ flies past. You catch the barest glimpse of a statue standing on the inward edge of a small quartyard, a figure with their arms outstretched above their head in welcome.

A collection of low-atmosphere cruisers and small ships are scattered around the grounds surrounding it the castle, but Han ignores this obvious parking zone. He directs the  _ Falcon _ to an open clearing half a mile away from the castle, and settles her down on a ridge that overlooks the castle and the calm lake behind it.

Rey is up and out of her seat before Han has even finished the landing sequence, darting out of the cockpit and down the hallway. Han rolls his eyes as the rest of you get up to follow her. 

Finn trails after Han as he heads deeper into the  _ Falcon _ , so you head to the ramp and bounce down to find Rey. Her and BB-8 haven’t gone far, you find them standing on the ridge taking in the view. You walk over, and the crunch of grass and leaves under your boots makes you smile. 

“Hey,” you say, and Rey turns to give you a wide grin that nearly blinds you. 

“This is…” she shakes her head slowly, overwhelmed. “I’ve never…”

“I know,” you chuckle, until she glances your way and you hasten to finish, “W-what you mean. Yeah. It’s really, uh. Really pretty.”

“Jakku wasn’t like this,” she murmurs, toeing her boot into the dirt. “There’s so much… there’s just… there’s so much.”

You nod along, picturing the world she came from in your mind. You can see her, sitting in the dusty sand as the sun sets low on the horizon, huddled from the harsh rays in the shadow of a half-buried AT-AT. Little wonder why Takodana in all its lush glory would overwhelm her. 

“You’ll get used to it,” you assure her gently, just taking a moment to appreciate her in the soft sunlight until you hear footsteps approaching you from behind. When you turn, Han is stepping up to Rey’s other side with a silver blaster pistol in his hand. 

“Here,” Han says, surprising you by handing it to Rey. “You might need this.”

Rey raises an eyebrow, but her smile only grows. “I think I can handle myself.”

“I know you can,” Han says, glancing at you and then back to her again. “You think I give these things out like pity prizes? Go on, take it.”

Rey looks somewhere between dubious and elated as she takes the blaster from Han. She immediately holds it out in front of her, one eye closed and her elbow locked while pointing the barrel off into the distance. Han puts his hands on his hips as she attempts to aim without a target. 

“You know how to use that thing?” He asks warily.

“Yeah,” Rey says. “You pull the trigger.”

You and Han share a look over Rey’s head and you cover your amusement by coughing into your fist. Shaking his head, Han gently but firmly pushes Rey’s arm down. “There’s a little more to it than that,” he grumbles. “You’ve got a lot to learn. Both of you.”

You perk up slightly, surprised by being included. Rey glances back at you before looking up at Han again, and you can’t see the question in her eyes but you can feel the curiosity bubbling inside her. Han’s face works through a few different stages of expressions, before he eventually lets out a long sigh. 

“Listen,” he begins finally. “Now that we’ve got the  _ Falcon _ back and the  _ Eravana _ has been overrun by rathars and death gangs… I been thinkin’ about hiring on a new crew to help man her.” He glances your way and his lips scrunch sideways. “So far, you two have proved you can keep up with Chewie and me, and you appreciate the Falcon, so...”

Rey crosses in front of him with a giddy smile. “Are you offering me a job?”

“I’m thinking about it!” Han corrects her, scowling. “I wouldn’t be nice to you, and it wouldn’t pay very much!” 

When Rey’s excitement doesn’t fade, Han sighs again and glances towards you, almost warily. “I know  _ our _ contract was only good for a few weeks, but would you  _ possibly _ be willing to negotiate a new one?” 

Stars help you, but you think you are. What happened to the girl who would jump from job to job and ship to ship and backstory to backstory, never in one place for very long? You don’t know where she went, but you also don’t know if you want her back. “I’ll think about it,” you reply, smirking faintly when Han rolls his eyes at his own words given back to him.

You glance at Rey, just to catch a glimpse of her happiness again, but the smile is slowly fading off of her face. She’s looking down, excitement going dim like a setting sun. You think of the sand dunes again, a desperate longing drawing you back to them. You turn to Rey fully, but by the time you do, the smile is gone. 

“If you  _ were _ offering me a job,” Rey murmurs, sadness clinging to her voice. “I’d be flattered. But I have to get home.”

Han’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “Where,  _ Jakku _ ?” He asks incredulously. 

You feel Rey’s reluctance, but she nods, her shoulders slumped. “I’ve already been away for too long.”

You and Han share another look over her head. You shrug, feeling a little helpless. While whatever connection you share allows you to sense Rey’s emotions, it doesn’t offer insight into her thoughts. She had been so lonely on Jakku, so desperate for  _ something  _ different, you can’t imagine what would be worth going back there for.

Finn and Chewie come down from the  _ Falcon _ ’s ramp then. Rey turns her head when Finn calls out to her. She jogs back to them, leaving you and Han alone on the ridge. 

You look up at Han and he looks down at you. You look back out over the view that had enthralled Rey, just taking a moment to enjoy the sunshine and the birdsong and the peace of a calm moment. This moment overlooking the lake and the castle beyond is the first moment you’ve had time to breathe, and you don’t want to waste it. You doubt you’ll be able to keep going if you don’t take this time to rest.

But it doesn’t last forever. Han groans softly, ruining your moment with, “Alright, out with it.”

“Out with what?”

“Don’t give me that,” he frowns at you. “I know you’ve got something to say, so you might as well get it over with while we have time.”

You purse your lips. The dirt under your boots crunches as you grind your heel. Is this the best time? You don’t know when you’ll have the chance to talk to Han like this again, but at the same time… is this even a conversation worth having?

He’s persistent in his silence though, gaze heavy on the side of your head. Finally you let out a long breath and cross your arms, not looking at him when you say, “Why did you call yourself Soloman when we first met?” Your frown deepens. “When were you planning on telling me the truth?”

“Depends,” he shrugs. “When were you gonna tell me you’re Force-sensitive?”

Your head snaps around so fast your vision blurs. Han is still making a face that’s mostly impassive, but you can see a gravity in his eyes that makes your blood run cold. “How did you…” your voice is strangled in your chest. Your eyes narrow. “Did Chewie tell you…?”

“Chewie didn’t have to tell me anything,” Han scoffs. “I’ve known Luke Skywalker for _ thirty years _ , kid, including the time I spent married to Leia Organa.” He stares off into the distance for a moment. “I’ve got some experience recognizing kids with the power, especially considering--” 

You look up when he cuts himself off, arms crossed over his chest and one hand pressed against his mouth. His brows have furrowed and his expression has turned stormy. “...considering… what?” You probe him carefully. There’s an open wound here, and you’re not sure how to proceed.

“Never mind,” Han shakes his head firmly. “My point is, you saw the Death Gangs that came as soon as we had the  _ Millenium Falcon _ back. It shouldn’t surprise you that I gave you and the old crew a fake name.”

\-- _ the nameless Twi’lek laying in the corridor-- _

_ Don’t think about that now. _

_ Quiet. _

_ No. _

Han gives you a pointed stare. “If you want to keep your power a secret, I’m not gonna question it, kid. Just remember you’re not the only one who’s running from something in this galaxy. Consider that while you think about my offer.”

He stalks away after that, leaving you alone. Curiosity is bubbling in your stomach but you stamp it down firmly. He’s right, of course, but that still leaves one question remaining. What could the Han Solo, fearless smuggler and stone-faced criminal, general and war-hero of the old rebellion, possibly be running from? 

\--x--

The walk from the  _ Millennium Falcon _ ’s landing zone to the castle only takes about half an hour. Chewie stays behind, to rest and take stock of what has been damaged or changed on the  _ Falcon _ , while the rest of you follow Han down a winding trail through the thick forest. Rey smiles the whole way through, while Finn keeps to the back of your group. It’s odd that he puts so much space between himself and Han, but you decide it’s not worth worrying about when you finally reach the front of the castle.

“Solo,” Finn says as you approach, addressing Han for the first time since leaving the  _ Falcon. _ “What exactly are we doing here?”

Han sighs, but you’re looking for a more clear explanation as well, so you just give him a raised eyebrow until he finally offers more details. “We’re here to get your droid onto a clean ship.”

“Clean?” Rey questions. You feel her doubt that the layer of grime on the  _ Falcon  _ would affect anything, but you understand what Han’s goal is now.

“He means that we need to put BB-8 on something that won’t show up on scanners,” you clarify for her. 

“Wasn’t luck that Chewie and I were able to find the  _ Falcon _ once you two got her in the air,” Han says. “If we could see her, it means the First Order isn’t far behind. So, if you wanna get BB-8 to the Resistance in one piece, then Maz Kanata is your best bet.”

From this angle, the castle looks even larger and more imposing than it did in the air. The small courtyard you had seen before leads you right up to the front doors, with dozens of colorful flags hung off the walls and strung across thick cables above your head. The statue stands above the door, welcoming your group with open arms and giant bug-like eyes.

“We can trust her, right?” Finn asks uncomfortably. You can imagine he’s had some bad experiences with trusting people in the past. You doubt that running around protecting such a valuable droid would offer many opportunities to make friends.

Han’s easy-going confidence is a welcome comfort. “Relax, kid,” he chuckles faintly, leading you up to the copper double-door entrance of the castle. “She’s run this watering hole on neutral territory for a thousand years.” Just before the door Han pauses, turning back around to face the three of you plus BB-8 with something close to wariness in his eyes. “Now listen, Maz is a little bit of an acquired taste, so let me do the talking.” His eyes dart between the three of you. “And whatever you do, don’t stare.”

You look at Finn and Rey, and they look at each other in turn. “At what?” you ask in unison.

Han takes a deep breath. “At any of it.”

The doors slide open and immediately music starts pouring out. You’re immediately reminded of the little cantina where you first met Han, only this establishment is much better populated. The main entrance hall of the castle has been retrofitted into a bustling bar scene, with clusters of tables and chairs from dozens of different eras and cultures littered about. More people and species than you can count have packed themselves into the space, pirates and smugglers and average cargo pilots and mercenaries all taking the time to relax and put their feet up for a drink. The sight of it all brings a smile to your face. With so many different kinds of people here, in all different walks of life, it would be painlessly easy to slip away and become nobody again. 

_ Still have a chance. Still have time. I could-- _

_ You shouldn’t-- _

_ Leave. _

_ Stay. _

_ Come to me _ .

Your group barely takes five steps before a distinctly feminine voice rings out above the din, “ _ HAN SOLO! _ ”

The music stops. Conversations grind to a halt. Every face in the room turns immediately to Han and you in his little entourage. Every hope you held of vanishing into anonymity are squashed. Clenching your fists, you wonder for a moment that if the Force could laugh, would it be laughing at you?

“Oh boy,” Han groans to himself tiredly. Putting on a smile you instantly recognize as fake, Han waves into the crowd and weakly calls back, “Hey, Maz!” 

You barely catch Rey staring at you from the corner of your eye. You face her, but before you can ask, Maz Kanata is approaching your little group by the door.

She’s a rather diminutive creature, the top of her head just barely reaching the bottom of your rib cage. Her skin is a warm orange shade, leathery and wrinkled. Her dark eyes still hold a bright spark, betraying the youth of her spirit despite her outwardly aged appearance. You realize now that the statue outside had not depicted bug-eyes at all, but the vision-enhancing goggles Maz wears over her eyes. 

She squints up at Han from behind these goggles, barely sparing a glance at the rest of you. “Where’s my boyfriend?”

“Chewie’s working on the  _ Falcon _ ,” Han says with a chuckle. 

Maz huffs again, unimpressed. “I like that Wookiee,” she mutters, clearly implying she likes Chewie's company better than Han's. Her eyes leave Han after a moment to roam across the group of you behind him. You can’t see her eyebrows beyond her headgear, but her forehead wrinkles deepen slightly. “I assume you need something.” She glances down at BB-8 and the expression intensifies. “Desperately.”

“Maz,” Han sighs. “I--”

“Could use a bath and a real bed,” Maz finishes for him. When Han opens his mouth, she cuts him off with a wave of her hand. “Don’t lie to me, boy, I can see the exhaustion in your faces. How long have you kids been awake and on the run, hm? When was the last time any of you slept?”

While your brain is struggling to make sense of anyone looking at Han and choosing to call him a ‘boy’, you come to realize you cannot remember the last time you saw your little bunk on the  _ Eravana _ . Have you really not slept since before Twon Ketee? It feels like a lifetime has passed since your old crew-- _ the twi’lek, no stop-- _ had faced the rathtars, since Han and Chewie found the  _ Falcon _ , since you met Rey. It could not have only been one cycle. Has it really only been one cycle?

The thought makes you waver in your place. Rey catches your arm as your eyes flutter, holding you upright, and her touch lights you up like fire. Exhaustion is creeping in but you keep it stubbornly at bay. 

_ Careful. _

_ Easy. _

_ The twi’lek-- _

_ Shh. _

_ Don’t follow that thread. _

Han is staring at you when you lift your head. You put your shoulders back defiantly, but it’s too late. Shaking his head, he looks down at Maz with all the exhaustion you’re reluctant to show. 

“A few hours,” he agrees finally. “Then…”

“Then we’ll get to business. Come on then, all of you.” Maz beckons you to follow her as she walks off into the crowd towards a set of stairs that lead further into the castle. Han follows her, and Finn is close behind. 

You hesitate at the door. Exhaustion be damned, it would still be so easy to--

Rey’s hand finds yours and she holds you tight, dragging you along behind her. You’re helpless to do anything but follow her, a moth captivated by her light.

_ Leave. _

_ Don’t go. _

_ Come to me. _

_ Stay with me. _

Maybe sleeping for a few hours is a good idea after all.


	6. Chapter 6

Your boots pound heavily on the grate flooring of the _Eravana._ The power is out, nothing but red emergency lights to guide your way. Echoing screams surround you. You cannot find your way out. 

You turn a corner and Rey is there, but her light has gone out. She smiles at you like a stranger. A rathtar tentacle wraps around her waist and yanks her out of view. You scream her name but your voice is muffled. You’re choking on your breath, chasing after her desperately.

You turn a corner and the twi’lek is waiting there. She’s leaning against a bulkhead, a silver blaster held limply in one hand. She shudders, her mouth falling open, as her dead eyes roll to look up at you. Her legs are across the corridor, bent at odd angles, separated at the hips.

 _“You cannot… deny… ”_ she gasps.

She blinks, and then it’s not the twi’lek lying bisected before you. It’s Rey. Her pretty light brown eyes turn glassy, her mouth slack as she stares back at you. 

_“The truth… that is… ”_

A rathtar screeches behind you. You turn--the rolling mass of death is coming straight towards you, tentacles outstretched, razor-sharp teeth ready to shred you to death. You choke on the breath you need to scream.

_“Your… ”_

A red lightsaber slices the rathtar in half. You crumple to your knees as the pieces of the monster fall away, revealing your savior. The black shape walks slowly down the corridor towards you, the silver in his black mask reflecting the red glow of the emergency lights. He stops before you, and holds out a gloved hand. 

_“Family... ”_

The word echoes on into forever. The masked shadow disappears as the walls of the _Eravana_ fall away. You are left floating alone in a sea of empty gray, voices in languages you don’t recognize washing over you from all directions. The echoing cacophony grows until it’s deafening. You cover your ears but the voices don’t cease, screaming and pleading and scolding, harsh and sad and agonized.

Then… it stops.

You open your eyes to face the nothing, but you are no longer alone. A shape has phased into being before you. Darker than the shadow of your childhood, darker still than the giant man from your vision. This figure is a black mass barely defined as a person, with angry yellow eyes glowing violently in the center of it’s faceless head. You can tell, instinctively somehow, that it is ancient, twisted, and evil. A spindly arm weakly rises, fingers tipped with long claws slowly stretching out towards you. Ice smothers your breath and numbs your limbs as you try to recoil from it’s reach. It will not allow you to escape so easily. The vaporous claws sink into your stomach.

Blood and pain and screaming--rain and fire, sand and lighting, a ship that leaves you behind and a green light that betrays you--screaming, echoing into the gray--

Red and blue rushes to meet you and--

\--x--

You lurch upright with a scream.

Silence roars in your ears. Your head swivels around, searching for the rathtars or Rey’s body or the burning eyes of the shadow creature, but all you find is the empty guest room of Maz Kanata’s castle. 

Soft sunlight is still filtering in through the tall windows on either side of your bed. You couldn’t have been asleep for more than two or three hours at most, but you feel sluggish and slow like you’ve been sleeping for days. You press a hand against your chest in an attempt to calm your racing heart, but you would not have peace and quiet for long.

Outside the door to your room you hear a loud crash and a bang, and then Finn comes bursting into your room. You cry out and scuttle back in bed, screaming, “What the _fuck?!_ ”

“What’s wrong?!” Finn yells, waving one of Han’s blaster rifles around your room. “Are you okay?!”

“ _Yes,_ Finn, Stars above! What the hell?!”

He focuses on you after a moment of frantically looking around. Very slowly he lowers the rifle and relaxes, drawing a hand down his face. “Sorry,” he mutters finally, shaking his head. “I just… I heard you scream, so…”

Now you feel a little bit like an asshole for yelling at him. You slouch and look away, ashamed of yourself. “No, I’m sorry,” you murmur awkwardly. “It… it was just a nightmare. I’m fine.”

“Oh,” Finn says. 

Something about his tone makes you look up again. You expect to find worry on his face, but you’re surprised when you see something closer to understanding. He lowers the rifle and awkwardly scratches the back of his neck. “Do you… uh… want to talk about it?”

The question surprises you. Since finding them on the _Millennium Falcon,_ you’ve been more focused on your personal feelings about Rey to really give Finn the time of day. Looking at him now, you can see genuine concern on his face, and it doesn’t rub you the wrong way like it usually does. Maybe it’s because of the way he bandaged your head, or maybe…

You’re starting to make a habit of leaving people waiting for answers. Finn is once again almost obnoxiously patient, so you sigh and force yourself to make a decision. “No,” you say, and Finn’s shoulders slump slightly. 

“...right,” he nods. He jabs his thumb over his shoulder. “I’ll just… leave you to it, then.”

He turns to leave. 

You hug your knees, trying to shake the image of that black mass with the yellow eyes. That part of your nightmare hadn’t come from a memory, and it has shaken you more than you’re willing to admit. You wonder if it had been a vision, or just something nonsensical your fears had come up with thanks to all the stress you’ve been under. 

Biting your lip, you blurt out, “Hey, Finn?”

He immediately turns back around in the doorway. “Yeah?”

“Why…” your voice is small, you quickly clear your throat and start again. “Why did you join the Resistance?”

His eyes shoot wide for a split second. He looks down, his free hand coming up to feel the lapel of his old leather jacket. You watch him as the moments stretch on, giving him the time to work through the answer.

“I…” he takes a deep breath, then shakes his head. “I’ve seen a lot of things,” he murmurs. “I’ve seen a lot of things that the First Order has done. One day, I just… couldn’t take it anymore. When I met Poe--” he shakes his head. “I mean, Poe Dameron. He was a pilot in the Resistance, he was the one who found the map and gave it to BB-8. Poe gave his life to help me realize I didn’t have to live under the thumb of the First Order. That I could make a different choice.” He smiles, sad and grim. “That it was _worth_ it to make a different choice.”

It’s a better look into Finn’s identity as a person than you were expecting. He’s still fingering the edge of his jacket, and you can tell that whoever Poe was, he clearly had a strong effect on Finn. Strong enough that he’s still here, still willing to take BB-8 home. 

You take a breath and let it out slowly. “Giving your life something you believe in, huh? I wish I could be that brave.”

Finn shakes his head. “Yeah,” he mumbles. “Me too.”

You don’t get the chance to ask what he means, because Finn leaves you alone after that.

\--x--

Maz was right about one thing. Nightmare or not, you definitely feel a lot better now that you’ve gotten the chance to step into a refresher. Finally clean of sweat and grime, your stomach is howling for something more substantial than ration bars. Having no choice but to give in to those demands, you put aside your conflicted feelings from your conversation with Finn and make you way back downstairs to the castle’s cantina.

The bar is still bustling with patrons, some new arrivals and some are still in the same spots they were in when Maz led you all upstairs. The music from the band in the corner is still lively, filling the whole room with a bouncy fun energy that you slowly start to forget your lingering unrest. 

You find the others around a small table in a private corner of the cantina. Rey gives you a smile when she sees you, looking less dusty and her hair buns neater than before. That is almost enough to make you feel completely better. You draw up a chair in the open space left between Finn and Han, and start helping yourself to the plate of food in the middle of the table. 

“I’m glad to see you’re looking refreshed,” Maz greets you, amused as you stuff your face with fried meats and mashed starches. 

“Better, yes,” you say around a mouthful. “Did I miss much?”

Maz shakes her head. “We were just talking about your little droid problem. A map to Skywalker himself.” She laughs, pointing one of her delicate hands across the table at Han. “You’re right back in the mess, aren’t you?”

Han rubs his forehead tiredly. You wonder if he got any rest of his own. “Maz,” he groans. “I _need_ you to get this droid and these kids to Leia. You know what’s at stake.”

Maz leans back in her chair and nods slowly. She rests her hands on the edge of her chair, silent for a whole minute. She comes to a decision and says, “No.”

You pause mid-chew. You catch both Rey and Finn’s matching looks of surprise. Han’s mouth drops open in shock, growling out a short “ _Maz_ ,” in disbelief.

“You’ve been running from this fight for too long, child,” she reaches out to pat the back of his closed fist on the table. “Han,” she murmurs a few more words in a language you don’t understand, finishing with a playfully blunt, “Go home!”

Han leans away, averting his eyes. “Leia doesn’t want to see me.”

Finn leans across the table towards Maz. “Please,” his voice has a weird edge of desperation to it. “We came here for your _help!_ ”

Rey sets down her food, looking back and forth between Han and Maz. “What fight?” she asks, curiosity.

“The only fight,” Maz explains. “Against the _dark side._ Throughout the ages, I have seen evil rise in many forms. The Sith, the Empire, and today, it is the First Order. Their shadow is spreading across the whole galaxy. Our only hope is to face them. Fight them.” Maz’s gaze flicks over each of your faces in turn. “All of us.”

You try to keep your face even despite a sour turn in your stomach. The image of that shadow you had seen flashes to the front of your mind, and you cross your arms to avoid shuddering. It had felt absolutely vile when that… _thing_ reached into you. You’ve never experienced real evil on the scale that Maz is describing, but if it’s anything like _that_ , you’re suddenly not sure if your connection to Rey is worth staying for.

You run your index finger against the leather cord against your neck, indecision hot in your stomach. Can you really give in to the temptation to run away from this fight now, now that you’re in so deep? If you are, now is the time.

You close your eyes, trying to work up the courage to break the news. It will hurt to leave Han behind, but this might be for the best. If this path is leading you to _the only fight_ , it might be smarter to escape while you can. Ignoring the voices clamoring in your head--

_Come to me._

_Don’t go._

_Let me find you._

_Don’t leave me._

_I’ll protect you._

\--you open your mouth.

“There is _no_ fight against the First Order!” Finn blurts out angrily, cutting you off. “Not one we can win!”

“Finn,” Rey admonishes him, her shock bleeding into your own.

“Look around!” Finn snaps, short and harsh. “All these people here--there’s _no way_ we haven’t been recognized already! I’ll bet you _anything_ that the First Order is on its way here right--”

He’s cut off by the sound of Maz’s goggles clicking. She twists the lenses around a few times, magnifying her eyes until they become three times larger, squinting at Finn with her lips pinched into a deep frown. “Wh-what’s this?” Finn looks away and quickly back. “What’s she doing?”

Maz rises from her chair and crawls across the table, knocking plates and dishes full of food off the sides and ignoring when they crash and shatter on the floor. Finn leans back in his seat as Maz gets closer to him, trying to find a way out while pinned to his seat by her eyes. “ _Solo_ ,” he looks to Han for help. “What is she _doing_?”

“I dunno,” Han doesn’t look even slightly concerned. “But it ain't good.”

Maz takes her time searching Finn’s face, heedless of his growing discomfort. “If you live long enough,” she says slowly. “You see the same eyes in different people.” She leans in closer to Finn, who looks more and more ready to bolt by the second. “And right now… I’m looking into the eyes of a man who wants to _run._ ”

“Hey, c’mon,” you try to cut in. It doesn’t seem fair to put Finn on the spot for something you’ve also been seriously considering, even if his behavior seems like it’s coming out of nowhere. You almost agree with him--the First Order has always been an ultimatum. You never really considered it something that you could fight _._ Disagree with and run away from, sure, but _fight_? In another life, when you were a different person with a different crew, you wouldn’t have stayed here half as long. If it weren’t for Rey tethering you down, you’d have been gone hours ago. 

But Finn doesn’t need you to defend him. His face turns hard as he leans forward into Maz’s space. “You don’t know a thing about me,” he says gravely. “Where I’m from. What I’ve seen.” He shakes his head. “You don’t know the First Order like I do. They will _slaughter_ us. We _all_ need to run.”

You think about what he said before, about his friend Poe. You hadn’t considered it before, but now the implications were obvious. However close they might have been, Poe’s death was clearly on the First Order’s hands. 

_Good riddance to rebel scum._

_What?!_

You’re sent reeling by the invasive thought, horrified that it even crossed your mind. Horrified more when you realize it hadn’t been your own.

You lock eyes with Rey. Her expression of outrage grounds you. 

Very slowly, Maz crawls back across the table and puts herself down into her chair again. She adjusts her goggles back to their normal setting, and lifts a hand to point across the room. “See those two?” She indicates a pair of mercenary smugglers sitting in a small alcove by themselves, “They’ll exchange work for transportation to the Outer Rim. There, you can disappear.”

Finn turns to look, easily making the decision you’ve been struggling to make since arriving on Takodana. 

“Finn!” Rey exclaims. Horror and outrage flicker on the edge of her presence, making you wince under the weight of it. 

Finn turns back to her. “Come with me,” he implores her.

Rey shakes her head, “What about BB-8?!” She demands. “We’re not done yet! We have to get him back to _your_ base!”

Very slowly, Finn shakes his head. He leans away from Rey. “I can’t.”

Her mouth falls open in disbelief as Finn pushes his chair away from the table and rises to his feet. He turns to walk away, but not before silently offering Han’s rifle back to him. Han looks at the rifle for just a second before making a face of acceptance. “Keep it, kid.”

Finn only looks back one last time before he walks off into the crowd in silence. 

A wide mess of emotions tumble out of Rey and over to you. You want to say something, to comfort her or at least calm her down, but she leaps out of her seat before you get the chance. “Rey!” you call after her, but she’s already chasing after Finn. You slump back into your seat, completely thrown for a loop. Han and Maz are both staring at you. “Wh--what was that?!” You demand of them.

“Child-” Maz begins. 

“You know what, no,” you get up too. “I don’t even… Stars above…” 

You slip carefully through the hoard of people populating Maz’s cantina, ducking under tentacles and carefully stepping over tails until you finally catch sight of the glinting silver of the blaster tucked into the back of Rey’s belt. 

By the time you reach her side she is already confronting Finn in a quiet corner just a few steps away from the mercenaries. “You can’t just leave!” She says to him, outraged. “I won’t _let_ you!”

“Hey,” you slide up to them easily, putting up your hands both to try and calm Rey and to keep her from attacking Finn. There’s so much anger pouring out of her that it unnerves you. “Come on, let’s just try and talk this out, okay?” You turn to Finn and raise an eyebrow, which causes him to sigh heavily. 

“Listen,” he mumbles, “I’m not who you guys think I am, alright?”

“What are you talking about?!” Rey snaps.

“I’m not Resistance!” Finn says quickly, the words spilling out easily now that he’s letting them go. Rey stiffens beside you but she doesn’t interrupt him again. “I’m not… I’m not a hero, okay? I’m a stormtrooper.” The weight of this admission drags him down. Finn’s shoulders slump a bit as he speaks and a palpable sadness overtakes his words. “Like all of them, I was taken from a family I will never know, and was raised to do _one_ thing. But during my first battle, I made a choice. I wasn’t going to kill for them. So I ran.”

He reaches up and takes Rey’s hands, squeezing her fingers within his own. Rey parts her lips on a soundless gasp, barely a breath, when Finn says, “Straight into you. You looked at me like no one else had. You are the first people who have ever known me as _Finn_ , not as the number they gave me instead of a name.” He lets go of Rey’s hands and takes a small step back. “I was ashamed of what I was,” he murmurs. “But I am _done_ with the First Order, and I am _never_ going back.”

“Finn,” you say, because Rey is still struck completely silent. He turns to you, then, and you can see faint tears in his eyes that he’s refusing to shed. “Trust me when I say I understand how you feel, but there’s more you can do here. More that _we_ can do, here. You don’t have to…”

But he’s already shaking his head. “No, you don’t understand,” he says firmly. “But you both…” his breath shudders. “You’re the closest thing to friends I have. Please, Rey, both of you… come with me.”

You could say yes. It would be so easy. Half of you seriously considers just saying yes and being done with it. But then Rey’s hand finds your wrist and you feel an agony you cannot place that leaves you rooted to the spot when she begs Finn, “ _Don’t go_.”

He presses his lips together and then looks at you. You want to say something, anything, but he sees Rey’s hand on your wrist. Slowly he bows his head in a quiet nod and takes a step back. “Right,” he says quietly, looking between the two of you one last time before returning to the table where the mercenaries are packing up to go. “Take care of yourselves.”

“Finn, wait!” You take a step to chase after him. “Don’t--”

_Stop wait please come back don’t do this don’t leave me don’t go not again come back please wait stop don't leave me here all alone--_

Rey’s grip is iron on your wrist and it holds you firmly in place. Together you watch Finn’s back as he follows the mercenaries across the cantina, walking farther and farther away. Rey’s grip on your wrist tightens as the front doors open.

Then they shut, and Finn is gone.

Rey’s hand slips off your wrist. By the time you turn around, so is she.

“Rey?!” You call over the din of voices and music, worry creeping up the back of your neck. From the turmoil of emotions that is radiating through your bond, it’s clear that she’s not in the right state of mind to be left alone. “Rey! Where did you--?!”

BB-8 rolls out of the crowd so suddenly you almost kick him. He chirps at you, a frantic and beeping approximation of ‘this way!’ before he rolls off again. You hurry after the droid through the throng of people until you reach the edge of a staircase that descends into the depths of Maz’s castle. 

You hesitate at the top, looking skeptically down at the droid. “Are you sure she went down there?” 

BB-8 chirps an affirmative, then starts the slow process of trying to carefully roll his little ball body down the steps. Seeing no other choice, you steel yourself and step down into the darkness after them.


	7. Chapter 7

The music and voices from the cantina fade away almost immediately after you take the first few steps down the staircase. The air becomes more stagnant the further down you go, a soft chill slowly curling around your shoulders. Each footstep echoes off the stone surrounding you, and it would feel like a much more tense and dramatic moment if BB-8 wasn’t making little comical ‘thud’ sounds as he carefully maneuvers down the stairs beside you. You’d be tempted to giggle if your stomach wasn’t twisting itself into knots.

“Rey?” You call out softly, worried that you might be chasing a wounded animal. The pain you had felt when the doors closed on Finn’s back nearly broke your heart. You can’t name the mess of emotions she’s feeling now, but you can still follow them. 

At the bottom of the stairs, a long hallway unfolds before you. Thick metal doors line the walls, some open and some not. The rooms that are open give you short glances of piles of gold and artifacts from dozens of different species, most likely the spoils of Maz Kanata’s many ventures across the galaxy in her time. None of this particularly catches your attention, not after you finally catch a glimpse of Rey’s dusty cloth wrappings vanishing into one of the open rooms. 

“Rey, come on,” you call out. BB-8 chirps his concern up at you, and you stop to reach down and pat him on the head. “It’s alright,” you assure the little droid. “I’m gonna talk to her.”

Talk, yes, but you aren’t sure what you want to say. You still don’t know if it’s fair to criticize Finn for walking out, especially now that you know the truth about him. A stormtrooper defecting from the First Order was completely unheard of. You can’t bring yourself to blame him for wanting to get as far away from the front line as possible. Not when you’ve been running from something similar for so long. You’d be gone too, if not for the spider-thin tendril of the Force that keeps you tethered to Rey. 

_ What is she looking for? _

That tether is still pulling your forward insistently. Rising again, you cross the last few steps to the open doorway and look inside. “Rey--”

She’s kneeling on the floor in the center of the dark room. An old wooden box sits open on a table before her, and…

She’s holding a lightsaber in her hand. 

Your chest constricts at the sight of it: a tiny little cylinder of silver and black barely the length of two palms. All of your breath floods out of you with a single word, “Rey--”

She turns. 

The vision crashes into you without warning. The stone walls of Maz’s underground storage room goe black, and in their place you find white electric lights coming to life to illuminate a long black corridor. Running footsteps erupt from behind you and you spin, coming face to face with a horde of men in black uniforms running down a chrome and black-paneled hallway. In the middle of them is a gurney, a white sheet covering the body they’re escorting. You stumble back as they rush into a room beside you, one single man left in the hallway after them. 

He takes the time to adjust his officer’s coat before he enters. He glances towards you, and you suck in a shocked breath when you recognize him.

The man in uniform standing before you is your father.

He enters the room with no concern on his blank face. You reach out to him but by the time you turn the vision has changed. Rain is pouring down on now, soaking you to the bone. A burning ruin lays in the distance. A different man in a hood kneels in mourning before the blaze.

The sound of your name shakes you to the core. You lurch around again, this time coming to face a different group of men in black. These ones are cloaked and heavily armored, masks covering each of their faces. The one in the center is the one from your dreams, his red lightsaber illuminating the silver around the opening for his eyes. 

Blue light explodes from behind you. Rey appears, but not as you know her. She stands taller, more confident, a lightsaber of her own wielded in her capable hands. “It doesn’t have to end this way,” she says softly. 

“I know,” says the man in the mask. 

“Don’t!” You scream out as their lightsabers clash, but it’s too late. Dark laughter fills your mind, followed by pain. You clutch your head and drop to your knees, pain struggling to crack your skull open. Tendrils of darkness reach down your throat and threaten to choke you, suffocate you. 

_ Submit. _

“ _ NEVER! _ ”

Their voices push the darkness out. You look up and they stand before you together, lightsabers crossed and light holding the darkness at bay. You see them--abandoned in the sand, watching the ship fly away--kneeling in the mud, watching the temple burn--and they hold out their hands to you but it’s too late.

The vision yanks you back to your body. Rey, the real Rey, tumbles backwards in her haste to leave the storage room and knocks you down with her. She grabs you by your sleeves and clings to you, shaking violently in your arms. 

The world is silent. You’re back in the hallway of Maz’s castle basement, the violence and chaos of the vision now fading into the ache in the back of your skull. You hold Rey as she trembles, trying to make some sense of what the Hell just happened. 

“A-are you okay?” You ask Rey when you find your voice, when she slowly loosens the death grip she has on your jacket. 

“What was that?” She whispers. Her eyes are wide and her face is sheet white when she finally looks up at you. Her brows knit together in terrified frustration, “What  _ was _ that?!”

You hold her hands as tight as you can, searching her face. “What did you see?”

She shakes her head slightly. “I--I--...”

You sense a new presence. You and Rey turn as one, finding Maz to be standing several feet away with BB-8 at her side. She’s staring intently at the two of you, looking back and forth between you with an expression you can’t place. 

“What was  _ that _ ?!” Rey demands of her next, pushing your hands off of her so she can scramble back to her feet.

You get up as well, unnerved to find that you’re shaking too. Two visions and a nightmare, all in the span of a few hours? You desperately hope this is not going to become a regular occurrence. 

“I shouldn’t have gone in there,” Rey gasps, struggling to catch her breath again. She rubs her hands across the wrappings that cover her upper arms, still trembling like a leaf. “I wasn’t--I didn’t--”

“It’s not your fault,” you tell her when you feel like you’ve calmed down enough to explain. Both Rey and Maz look to you, question in their faces but for different reasons. “That lightsaber was just… extremely steeped with the Force.” You sigh heavily and rub your forehead. “What you saw was just the emotional echo of what that lightsaber has seen.”

“E-emotional echo?!” Rey parrots. “The Force?! But I’m not--”

“You are,” you assure her gently, nodding once. “Trust me,” you add when her incredulity leaks over to you. “ _You are_.”

Rey looks back down to Maz, desperate for better answers. “That lightsaber,” Maz murmurs. “Belonged to Luke, and his father before him, but  _ now _ … it calls to  _ you _ , Rey.”

You had wondered what had drawn Rey down here in the first place. Knowing that it was the  _ lightsaber _ itself unnerves you, slightly more than your own vision had. You still have to wonder, though… “If that was Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber,” you ask Maz if only to give Rey another moment to adjust to what’s happening. “How did you get your hands on it?”

Maz lifts her lips in a weak smile. “I’ve been around the galaxy a few times, child,” she says with a dim amount of mirth. “And on those travels, I’ve found quite a few interesting things. But when I visited the planet Bespin some time ago, it was that lightsaber that found  _ me _ .”

That does little to ease your discomfort, actually. You think of the crystal tied around your neck, so warm from your body that you no longer feel it. The idea of it suddenly growing the ability to interact with the Force  _ on its own _ makes you feel a little queasy. 

“It can’t want me,” Rey shakes her head, scowling. “I can’t--I have to get back to Jakku.”

_ Abandoned in the sand as the ship flies away, come back-- _

“Han told me,” Maz nods, her smile turning soft and gentle. She lifts her goggles away from her eyes, small and wrinkled to the point where they’ve sunken slightly into her face. She reaches out one of her small hands, drawing Rey forward to kneel down at her eye level. “Dear child, I see your eyes. You already know the truth. Whomever you were waiting for on Jakku, they are never coming back.”

Rey’s lower lip trembles. Tears slowly begin to slip down her cheeks. She closes her eyes and bows her head, choking back a sob. The sight makes you want to hold her in your arms again, desperate to chase her sorrow away, but you hold yourself back by clenching your fists. She has to come to terms with whatever the vision showed her on her own, just like you did. 

“But,” Maz continues with a whisper, just as Rey looks as though she will fall into complete despair. “There is someone who still  _ could. _ ”

“Luke,” Rey murmurs, sniffling.

“I am no Jedi,” Maz says. “But I know the Force. It moves through and surrounds every living thing. Close your eyes,  _ feel it _ . The light… it has always been there, with you and within you.” She carefully cups Rey’s hand between her palms. “It will guide you.”

_ Just like you’ve been guiding me. _

Rey looks up at you as the thought crosses your mind. Her eyes widen, just a fraction. Your mouth falls open, realization dawning slowly.  _ She heard you. _

You want to say something but Maz is faster than you. She tightens her hold on Rey’s hand, recapturing her attention and looking deeply into her eyes. “The saber,” Maz says firmly. “Take it.”

Rey holds Maz’s stare for just a few more moments. Then her expression shifts like a slamming door, and she snatches her hand out of Maz’s grip. You step back as Rey jumps to her feet, fear flickering around the edges of your connection. “I am  _ never _ touching that thing again,” Rey says firmly, shaking her head. “I don’t want any part of this!”

She darts past Maz, rushing back down the hallway where she takes the stairs back up two at a time. You call after her, but she vanishes around the corner without looking back. A split second of annoyance sparks through you. For a girl who is desperate to not be left behind, she runs off on her own quite a lot.

When you look back down, Maz’s knowing eyes have now been trained on you. She lowers her goggles back down, squinting at you in silence. “What?” You say finally, twitching to chase after Rey but rooted to the spot by Maz’s stare.

“Take the saber,” she tells you. “Give it to her when she’s ready.”

You look back into the storage room, at the innocent little wooden box sitting on the table in the dark. You reach out, but you don’t feel it reaching back. “I can’t,” you tell Maz, and her face falls. “She has to make the choice on her own.” You take a deep breath and rake your hands through your hair. “I--I’ll bring her back. Try and talk to her. That’s all I can promise.”

Maz accepts this with a nod. “Go.”

\--x--

By the time you make it back upstairs and out the front doors of Maz’s castle, Rey is just a gray blur at the edge of the forest. You race after her, pushing your legs as hard as you can to catch up. 

The forest swallows you immediately. Low-hanging branches and exposed roots all reach out to slow you down as you sprint through the trees. But you trust your feet to know where to land, and every step leads you closer and closer to the place your tether is dragging you to. 

_ Find her, find her. _

_ Stay together. _

_ I’ll find you. Both of you.  _

_ Come back! _

_ I’m coming. _

_ I’ll protect you. _

“Rey!” You shout when you finally get close enough, just a dozen yards away from her back. “Rey,  _ stop _ _!_ ” Desperately, you yell out, “How is  _ this _ going to get you back to Jakku?!”

Finally, Rey slows down. She stops about ten feet ahead of you, leaning on a tree and gasping for breath. You take a few more steps through the dead leaves scattered on the ground and stand there panting, letting her turmoil wash over you. “Rey,” you say as patiently as you can. “Where are you  _ going _ _?_ ”

“Home,” she grits out through her tears. “I never should have left. I-I never should have even saved BB-8…”

“You don’t believe that,” you tell her, taking another step forward with your hand extended. “You know you’re better than that--”

“What do  _ you _ know about me?!” Rey whirls around, all of her confusion and pain and regret coiling together into a red-hot spike of pain she aims directly at you. You wince as it impacts your mind, rattling around your skull violently. “I just  _ met _ you! You don’t know  _ anything  _ about me!”

You hold your chest, leaning heavily on a tree for support. The pain is getting harsher. She’s trying to force you out of her mind without knowing that she’s doing it, but the tether keeping you connected refuses to stretch or tear. You’re straining just to stay focused against her fury. 

“That’s not true,” you whisper. The pain intensifies and you dig your fingernails into the bark of the tree. Shaking your head, you say it again, stronger, “That’s not true!”

You take a deep steadying breath and look up into her eyes. She looks wild and lost and so very afraid, wounded and frightened and abandoned too many times. “I  _ do _ know you, Rey. I know _everything_ about you.”

She shakes her head, taking a step back. The spike of pain slips through and you sigh when you can think straight again, getting more confident as it fades. “I know… that you were left with Unkar Plutt when you were only four or five years old,” you tell her, straightening up fully. “I know that he forced you to work until your fingers were bleeding, until you grew enough to do work for yourself.”

“No,” Rey says. “Y-you can’t…”

“I know how you were forced to crawl through the ruins of dead Star Destroyers out in the wasteland of the desert, scavenging anything you could find that might be worth enough to put food in your belly. I know you crafted your staff out of useless bits of metal after you were robbed on your way home one time too many. I know about the busted out AT-AT--”

“Stop it,” Rey sobs.

“--the one half-buried in the sand that you turned into your home.” You take half a step towards her, hands raised to try and calm her. “I know about the wall, Rey. I know that every night when you got back home, while you waited for your food to cook, you would scratch a new line to mark every day that passed. Every day that passed since you were left behind.” You bite your lip, your own tears beginning to form in your eyes. “Five thousand, four hundred, and twenty-eight days. That’s how long you were on Jakku.”

Rey’s legs buckle and she collapses into the underbrush on her hands and knees. You crouch down in front of her, leaving a space between the two of you. She covers her mouth, the tears still falling. “How?” she croaks out. “How… how can you know so much about me?”

You close your eyes. The memories of your dreams wash over you one by one. “Because I saw it. I saw all of it. Ever since I was a child I could see everything that happened to you. Every time you went to sleep crying, I cried too. Every time you went to bed hungry, I was hungry too.” You look away, into the quiet distance of the thick forest. “I had hoped you had felt me too… but you didn’t recognize me.”

“The  _ Falcon _ ,” Rey murmurs. “That was why… why you asked if we had met…”

“I thought you might have seen my life the way I saw yours,” you admit. “But you hadn’t come into your abilities yet. Even if you had been getting the visions, you wouldn’t have known what to do about them.”

“I heard you in my head, after the vision,” Rey rubs her eyes, leaning back on her heels with a sniffle. “I-is this normal? D-does everyone with Force powers have visions of other people?”

“I don’t know,” you tell her honestly, shrugging. “You’re the first one I’ve ever met.”

She looks up at you, then. Her eyes are still red but the tears have stopped, thankfully. “Is it just me?” She murmurs. “Am I… am I the only one you see?”

“No.”  _ The black mask staring out of the darkness, the giant man towering over him to scream. _ “I see someone else, too.”

“Who?”

“I…” You feel your stomach constrict. Dread is bubbling up the back of your throat, but it isn't yours so you force it down. “I don’t know. But, to be fair, I didn’t know who you were until I met you, either.”

Rey runs her hands down her face. Exhaustion is slowly starting to drag her down. “This doesn’t make any sense,” she complains quietly. “Why is this happening?”

“I don’t know that, either,” you chuckle faintly. “I just know that… When I met Han, I knew that I was meant to follow this path. Fighting it only made things worse.” You hold out a hand to her. Rey stares down at your open palm, dubious. “Trust me. What’s happening right now, to us… it isn’t something you can run from. It won’t be left behind.”

Rey is still staring at your hand. Her fists tighten into the loose cloth of her pants, jaw set, eyes unsure. 

“Listen,” you try and switch tactics. “Just… come back to the castle with me. You don’t have to take the saber. Or we’ll go straight back to the  _ Falcon _ , and wait with Chewie for Han to get back. We’ll take BB-8 to the Resistance, but we don’t have to stay with them.”

She lifts her eyes to meet yours again, finally. You give her your warmest smile, hand still extended. “We’ll go anywhere you want,” you assure her. “We’ll go all the way out to the furthest reaches just to see their stars and come back again. We’ll find the other person in my head, and the three of us will travel to every green world we can possibly find. Hell, we’ll track down those assholes who left you if you want, just to tell them they suck, if you’d like to.”

A small laugh bursts from between her lips. The tears are back, but she’s grinning now. 

“I’ll take you anywhere,” you swear, knowing in the bottom of your heart that it’s true. “Anywhere but back to Jakku. You’ve never been alone, Rey, and you’ll never be alone again.”

She chokes on her next breath, her eyes so big and bright and hopeful and sad. “Can you really promise me that?” She whispers gravely. 

You raise your open hand just a little bit higher. “Anything, Rey. That’s what I promise.”

She stares at your hand for just a few more seconds. Slowly, shakily, she raises her own hand and hesitantly slips it into your palm. Her light glows, glittering and blinding, when she smiles at you. 

“Okay.”

_ It’s a sweet sentiment. _

_ Stay with me. _

_ But I’m not going to let you go that easily. _

Hand in hand, you get to your feet together. You turn to head back towards the castle, only to find BB-8 sitting in the grass a few paces behind you. He beeps at you inquisitively, ignoring your gaping mouth. 

“Are you kidding me?” You glare at the droid while Rey laughs softly beside you. 

“What are you doing here?” Rey asks him, kneeling down again but not letting go of your hand. “You’re too important to go wandering off, you know.”

BB-8 chirps and beeps, a string of sentences that you can only follow because of Rey’s understanding of his language. The understanding had been Rey’s all along, slipping over to you from your connection. You wonder, idly, what other kinds of skills you might be able to share now that Rey has opened the door to her own abilities.

She looks up at you. “I guess we should head back to the  _ Falcon. _ BB-8 can’t stay out in the open like this for--”

You double over like you’ve been struck in the stomach. Rey cries out your name as you hand slips from hers, another vision wrenching you out of your body. 

You’re standing on a balcony overlooking a city. Dozens of people swarm you on all sides, deathly silent. A red light is shining in the sky, getting brighter and brighter. Heat washes over your face as you realize the light is getting closer. In the distance, the light crashes into another planet and you watch, horrified, as the planet crumbles and explodes. 

Screaming fades in slowly. The light is blinding, the heat is agonizing. 

A black shadow reaches out of the light and shoves you back into your body.

You’re laying on your back in the grass. Rey is leaning over you, worry glinting in her eyes. “Are you all right?!” She asks hurriedly. “Wh-what happened?”

Above her head, through the leaves on the trees, you see a red light streak like a comet across the crystal-blue sky. As you watch, the light separates into multiple beams, each one reaching its target. Tiny, barely perceptible planets explode in the sky like distant fireworks.

Rey says your name again, shaking your shoulder. BB-8 nudges your knee, beeping worriedly.

You are feeling the deaths of trillions.

Reaching out blindly, you catch Rey’s shoulder and use her to help you sit up. “The castle,” you blurt desperately. “Gotta--go back--”

_ No. Stay there. _

_ We can’t. _

_ I’m almost there. _

You can’t waste time questioning the voice in your head. Rey puts your arm around her shoulders and helps you rise, but when you’re back on your feet a chilling sound stops you both in your tracks. 

In the distance, you can just barely hear the sounds of ion engines whirring on the wind, getting closer and louder with every passing second. 

_ Wait for me. _

The First Order has arrived.


	8. Chapter 8

You, Rey, and BB-8 race back through the forest as fast as your legs can carry you. You hadn’t realized just how far Rey had gone while you were chasing her down, but now it feels like an eternity before you can finally see a break in the treeline. By the time you reach the edge of the forest, your boots skidding in the dirt as you stop short, Maz’s peaceful smuggler’s haven has become a war zone.

TIE fighters are whizzing through the air, blaster cannons cracking across the blue sky like thunder. Explosions rock the ground under your feet, sending whole pieces of Maz’s castle cracking off and crumbling from the walls. A single well-placed shot decimates the tallest tower, knocking the welcoming statue of Maz down with it. The broken pieces land in the courtyard, covering the flags of welcomed planets and allied pirates in the burning rubble.

Stormtroopers are storming the open ground around the castle, mercenaries and smugglers and pirates locked against them in desperate battle. Men and women and creatures in between are steadily being cut down by the forces in white armor. It’s a horrible sight that you cannot look away from, no matter how badly you want to. 

Your breath catches in your throat. Somewhere in that chaos is Han and Maz, probably Chewie too. You need to help them. 

Rey’s shocked breath has you looking up to the sky again. From behind the castle, a black ship slowly glides into view. The V-shaped wings fold upwards as it comes to land in an open space in the middle of the battlefield, settling down gently like a vain bird come to roost. Anticipation slithers up the back of your neck. But is it yours? You can’t tell the difference any more.

The wall that had been holding you back from sensing the other half of your connection drops as abruptly as it had been raised against you. A black presence, warm as Rey’s, nuzzles up against you. Another tether draws taught.

_ I’m here. _

You take half a step towards the ship.

The crackle of a stormtrooper’s radio stops you. “FN-417, hold position.” 

You turn because it’s close. Too close for comfort. On the other side of you, only about fifteen feet ahead of Rey, a single stormtrooper is standing just beyond the treeline. It doesn’t look like he’s noticed you yet. Maybe you can slip past him, if you just--

Rey lifts her blaster. It clicks once. She hurriedly pulls it back, gasping, “Safety--”

Panic sparks up your spine. “What are you  _ doing?! _ ” You hiss.

She lifts the blaster again before you can stop her and fires blindly at the stormtrooper. She misses by at least three feet, but now she has the stormtrooper's attention. He shouts into his radio before Rey shoots again, this time catching him in the chest and knocking him backwards. 

“Stop!” You slap her arm down and her wild eyes swing up to you. “Now they know where we are!”

Rey opens her mouth, maybe to apologize or maybe to explain herself, but it’s too late. Two more stormtroopers appear where the first one fell, both with their blasters already aimed in your direction. “Fuck!” You shove Rey back towards the forest, ducking as two quick blasts sail over your heads. Fire explodes behind you as the blasters strike against the trees. “Dammit!  _ Run! _ ”

_ No. NO! _

She runs. You’re right behind her, ducking back into cover as the trees once again swallow you. Blaster fire continues to crack, never far behind as you sprint deeper into the forest again. BB-8 is still on your heels, and you can’t help but feel that the little droid isn’t doing much more than painting a giant target on your backs. 

You also notice that Rey is running in a straight line, while you try your best to bob and weave in between the trees. You suck in a breath to yell out, to warn her to zig-zag so the stormtroopers can’t aim, but she abruptly ducks sideways just in time for a blaster bolt to impact against a tree where she just was. 

_ I heard you. _ Her voice rings clear as a bell through your thoughts.  _ I-I can hear you! _

_ Come. Back! _

_ Duck! _

You drop to the ground and expertly slide through the mud underneath a large exposed root, knowing instinctively that you would fit and that Rey would be waiting on the other side. She hauls you up to your feet, and when you stand, you pull out your own blaster. 

“Together?” She says as the running footsteps begin to close in. 

“Together,” you agree. BB-8 rolls up and you carefully nudge him behind you. You flex your fingers around the grip of the blaster and take a steady breath. “As soon as you see them,” you tell Rey. “Don’t hesitate. Because they won’t.”

Rey nods once. For the first time ever, you feel her presence reaching back against you.  _ I understand. _

_ Hold your ground. I’m coming. _

The anticipation is growing, your stomach is fluttering, but when the first white helmet appears through the trees, you don’t hesitate.

Your first shot lands smack in the middle of the stormtrooper’s chest. Rey gets the next one in the stomach, but even more are coming. You both step back as one, BB-8 chirping worriedly behind you. 

The idea crosses your mind and Rey picks it up instantly. While you cover her, she bends down to BB-8’s level and speaks to him quickly. “Go,” she tells the little droid, ignoring his beeps of protests. “Keep going, and stay out of sight. We can hold them off, just get as far away as you can.”

You blast another stormtrooper. You sense another coming up on your left and jerk your hand in that direction to shoot him, too. You don’t think about the fact that these stormtroopers have faces and feelings. You don’t think about the fact that any one of them could have been Finn. You can’t afford to think about that, now that they’re trying to kill you.

_ If they kill you before I get there, I’ll kill them all myself. _

_ Who--?! _

_ Ah. She’s in here now, too. Good. _

You don’t get the chance to ask what the other voice means. BB-8 finally agrees to Rey’s instructions and darts off into the bushes, quickly vanishing from sight. Rey jumps back to her feet and fires off three quick shots to refocus the stormtroopers in case they saw the exchange, and you both take off as one in the opposite direction to lead them away. If nothing else, the stormtroopers definitely know how to chase a hostile.

_ Would you just--stop--running?! _

_ Tell your stormtroopers to stop shooting at us, _ you think back with acid,  _ and then maybe we can stop running! _

You feel a soft burst of surprise that isn’t your own. The second tether tugs against you, towards the warm darkness, but he doesn’t reply after that. You focus your efforts on shooting and running, ignoring the feeling of pride that’s slowly trickling across the connection. If he catches up, you’ll deal with his involvement in this situation then.

_ Running through this damned forest--if those troopers hurt even a single hair on their heads--wait for me, wait for me--my lightsaber cuts through the trees in my way--I’m coming. _

You fire off two quick shots into a stormtrooper just about to shoot Rey when you hear it. It’s a distant sound, and when it catches your attention Rey looks to the sky too. She squints and frowns, tilting her head to aim one ear higher. “You hear it too?” You ask.

She nods once, hand still flexing anxiously around her blaster. “More fighters,” she whispers. “Reinforcements?”

You close your eyes and listen as intensely as you can. It’s hard to focus, Rey shoots down another two stormtroopers in quick succession. You randomly wonder if that’s her own skill or if she’s using yours, but you shake the thought away. You can just barely hear the sound of incoming ships, but it sounds different from the ion engines of the First Order TIE fighters. Had one of the smugglers from the cantina called in their fleet for backup?

_ No. _ The flash image of an X-wing starfighter crosses your mind.  _ It’s the Resistance. _

The Resistance? The Resistance is  _ here? _ An odd mix of relief and annoyance curls together in the pit of your stomach, giving you flickers of both dread and excitement. You don’t know where the emotions end and you begin, you don’t know how to feel about this new information. The black presence doesn’t feel particularly comforted, you think the annoyance is coming from him. Rey, on the other hand, is beaming and exhausted, so the relief has to be hers.

“The Resistance,” she breathes, reverently. She looks at you with eyes that shine. “I-it’s gonna be okay--”

There’s a flicker of white between the trees. Distracted, you had dropped your guard and allowed a trio of stormtroopers to get too close. Before you can react, the stormtrooper in the center lifts his blaster, aiming high. Rey turns just in time to see him, too.

_ NO! _

“NO!”

She and the voice scream as one when the stormtrooper fires. The blast impacts your left shoulder and knocks you backwards, pain worse than anything you have ever imagined, worse even than the most intense migraine, explodes throughout your entire body. You land hard on your back on an exposed root, piling even more pain up your spine. 

Everything hurts. You stare at the sky through the trees because it is the only thing you can see. You wheeze on every breath, the simple act of expanding your lungs causing more fire to lick across your body.  Was this how Chewie felt when he was shot? You can barely think through the agony. You feel even worse now for how you had treated him back on the _Falcon_.

Rey’s voice screams your name. A stormtrooper shouts, “Halt!” but she rushes to your side and drops down to her knees anyway. Her shaking fingers reach towards the burning part of your shoulder and you flinch when her touch only intensifies the pain. Her worry and panic is white-hot and blinding, almost as strong as the dangerous fury you can feel coming from the other end. 

“Shh…” you struggle to say. “Shh...shit…”

“D-don’t move,” Rey’s hands wave about frantically. You can feel her trying to pick around in your brain to find what she should do. “I-it’s gonna be okay, I-I’ll--”

“You aren’t going to do anything.” 

You swallow thickly as the stormtroopers approach you. Each one has their blaster drawn and aimed at you and Rey. Rey leans over your body protectively, lips curled into a snarl as the troopers aim each of their weapons at her head.  _ No… no leave her alone…! _

The one in the center pulls out his radio. “Commander, we’ve cornered the fugitives. What are your orders?”

Seconds tick by. The radio only responds with static. 

“Commander,” the trooper tries again. “Orders for the arrest of these fugitives?”

Every shallow breath you take draws the darkness closer. You can feel him when he bursts out from between the trees, red lightsaber drawn, nothing but death on his mind. 

The stormtrooper on the left doesn’t get the chance to scream before the angry red glow of that lightsaber stabs into his back and out through his chest. The other two lurch around, raising their blasters to the black-robed figure standing behind him, but a sharp swing slices through the one on the right. He falls apart into evenly-cut pieces, crumbled in the dirt.

The lead stormtrooper quickly backs away as the black figure crosses around him. He stands between you and the soldier, fury unimaginable rolling off of him in waves. 

“C-Commander Ren!” The stormtrooper sputters. “Wh-what are you--”

The black figure darts forward with savage grace and swings his lightsaber one last time. The final stormtrooper doubles over as his stomach is burned open, collapsing to the ground with nothing but a dying gurgle.

Silence fills the air, broken only by the sharp sound of your wheezing breaths. The figure presses a button on the hilt of his lightsaber and the crackling red blade vanishes with a hiss. Slowly, he turns his head to look back over his shoulder. 

Rey does not rise from her protective crouch over your body. “Who the  _ Hell _ are you?!”

The figure turns around to face you fully. The silver edges of his mask glint from within his oversized hood. He takes two careful steps forward and stops just a few more away from your feet.

“I am Kylo Ren,” he says calmly, as if he hadn’t just brutally murdered three stormtroopers with ease. His voice is hollow and distorted by a vocalizer on his mask, but you can tell his voice isn’t particularly deep or hard. It could almost sound kind, if his tone wasn’t so cold. “And I have been waiting for this moment for a very… very long time.”

When Rey doesn’t respond, the figure,  _ Kylo Ren _ , takes another few steps closer. He comes to your other side and bends down carefully beside you while Rey watches him like a hawk. You can feel her suspicion and distrust, but it pales in comparison to what you’re feeling now.

It’s just like on the  _ Millennium Falcon _ , when you first locked eyes with Rey. You cannot see his face but his presence slides home within your spirit like a missing puzzle piece, locking into place where it belongs. A million thoughts are whizzing through your head, growing louder and more insistent the longer he stares at you behind his mask. You have so many questions and not a single breath to voice them. “I--” you struggle to say. “Y-you--”

“Shh,” Kylo Ren murmurs. A gloved hand brushes against the skin of your wrist. “It’s all right. I’m here now.”

“You killed those stormtroopers,” Rey accuses him sharply. Her hands curl into fists on your stomach, gripping your shirt tightly. “They had--they were--”

“--going to kill you,” Kylo Ren finishes shortly. “And now they are not.” He tilts his head to the side and you wish you could see his face. “Such gratitude, for your savior.”

Rey’s scowl deepens and her grip on you tightens. She leans back, slightly enough that one of her hands can land on your other wrist and grip that instead. “I don’t know if 'savior' is the right word for what just happened,” she grits out through her teeth. “I still don’t know why you’re here, or why you saved us.”

Kylo Ren shrugs. A simple lift and drop of his shoulders. It’s such a comical sight from a figure dressed so severe and menacing that you almost want to laugh. But the pressure of their combined presence is taking a toll on your mind. So much is happening and you can barely focus long enough through the pain to process it all. 

They’re here. They are  _ here. _ Together, with you. Both of the people you have been sensing and dreaming of your entire life are sitting on either side of you, talking, interacting,  _ touching you. _ You feel like you might be on fire, like you might just pass out from being so overwhelmed. Or… maybe that’s just the blaster wound in your shoulder.

Kylo Ren looks down at you again like you just reminded him of your injury. You feel him frown in your mind. “We don’t have much time,” he says darkly, looking up at Rey again. “The droid. Where is it?”

Rey leans back a little further, eyebrows knitting together. “Do you mean BB-8?” She gestures to your prone body laying between the two of them. “Is now really the time to worry about him?”

Kylo Ren’s hand tightens almost painfully on your left wrist. Rey’s fingernails begin to bite into the skin on your right wrist. You wonder, for a split moment, if they’re getting ready to tear you apart.

“Yes,” Kylo Ren stresses. “I still need to complete the mission I was sent here for. So tell me. Where. Is. The droid?”

Rey’s suspicion intensifies. Her eyes narrow dangerously. “Why do you need to--” then her eyes shoot wide. “The troopers--they called you commander! You--You’re with the First Order--”

“Rey--” You gasp, to warn her, but she’s already scrambling for her blaster. 

Rey swings her arm back around but only gets halfway before she abruptly jerks to a stop. She’s frozen in place, struggling in vain, as Kylo Ren holds a single hand across your body to paralyze her. “N-no--” you try to plead, pawing desperately at Kylo’s arm. You grip his bicep and fight through the pain to sit up, to put yourself between them as much as you can. “D-don’t--”

He turns towards you again, staring you down from behind his impassive black mask. You open up to him, showing him the memories you’ve shared with Rey to convey that she’s someone important, someone you trust, someone you will  _ not _ forgive him for hurting. 

But it backfires. Kylo Ren relaxes his arm but does not free Rey, picking out a single specific memory from your mind and drawing it to the forefront of your thoughts. You’re forced to remember, just for a moment, when BB-8 displayed the fragment of the map for Han back on the  _ Millennium Falcon. _

“You’ve seen it,” Kylo Ren breathes. “Both of you.”

You slam your connection shut but it’s too late. Kylo Ren bends forward and you yelp softly when he scoops you off the ground into his arms. He jostles your shoulder with the movement and your vision swims violently. Your thoughts turn sluggish and you feel light-headed and nauseous. 

“Nnnnno!” Rey grits out the sound from between her teeth. She struggles harshly against Kylo Ren’s paralyzation. 

“You have two choices,” Kylo Ren tells her calmly. He carefully tries to adjust you in his arms until your head is resting on his shoulder. It’s getting harder and harder to stay alert no matter how hard you try to fight it. Black is slowly creeping in on the edges of your vision. Rey’s panic is getting stronger. She’s rattling around in your skull but you can’t offer her any comfort. It’s taking all of your willpower just to focus on the black cloth underneath your cheek. “You are both coming with me one way or another, but you can come willingly, or as a prisoner.”

Rey’s gaze is heavy on the side of your head. You don’t want her to get hurt. You try to convey as clearly as you can that while Kylo Ren is using both hands to hold you, she has a chance to run. She could save herself and find the Resistance, find Han, to leave while she still can. You know being taken by the First Order is likely to be a death sentence, but you don’t have the strength to fight it. She could still save herself.

Rey sets her jaw. She relaxes into the paralysis.  _ I’m not leaving you. _

Kylo Ren nods once. “Smart girl.”

Rey stumbles when Kylo Ren lets her free. She straightens back up, glaring darkly at the man holding you, but begins to put her blaster back into her belt.

“No,” Kylo Ren stops her. He nods down at you, specifically the open space atop your stomach. “Give that over.”

Rey makes another face, but steps forward to click the safety back on and gently rest the blaster over your stomach. Kylo Ren nods again, satisfied. He turns on his heel without a single backwards glance to the stormtrooper bodies he’s leaving behind. “Follow me.”

You can’t see her anymore but you feel Rey fall into step behind him. Her light rubs up against you worriedly, and you try to reach back as much as you can. Every blink is lasting longer and longer. You’re losing the battle of staying conscious. 

_ Rest, _ you finally have a name for the masculine voice crossing through your thoughts.  _ Please. _

_ Can’t, _ you think back. You need to know where he’s taking you, what he’s planning on doing with you and Rey. Your instinct is to feel safe in these arms but you can’t allow yourself that luxury, knowing that he’s taking you straight into the lion’s den. 

_ I’ll protect you, _ he assures you.

_ No, _ Rey’s voice is ice.  _ I will protect her. _

They don’t even know what they’d be protecting you from. You doubt they’d be so eager if they did.

Miraculously, you manage to stay conscious for most of the second walk back through the forest. Halfway back, another group of stormtroopers spot your group and come jogging up with their weapons drawn, but they stop about a dozen feet away from Kylo Ren. “Sir,” they address him quickly. “We have Resistance reinforcements incoming.”

Kylo Ren very gently strokes the inside of your knee with his thumb. Rey is coiled like a spring behind him, ready to fight if any of these stormtroopers try and point their blasters at you again. “Pull the division out,” Kylo Ren orders them darkly. He hasn’t forgiven any of them for shooting you, despite killing the ones responsible. “Forget the droid. We have what we need.”

The stormtroopers salute him, parting as Kylo Ren leads Rey through their group. You fade in and out, hanging on by a thread now. All you are aware of for moments in between is Rey and Kylo Ren, their darkness and light mixing together like a blanket over your fears and worries. You want to be scared, you think you  _ should _ be scared, but you can’t bring yourself to be while they are both beside you now.

Despite the circumstances, this feels  _ right. _

Finally, you make it back to the treeline. Kylo Ren carries you across the war zone, Rey close behind him. Maz’s castle is gone, nothing left but a mountain of blackened rubble where it once stood. Sorrow chokes you and you blink back tears. It had been beautiful, and now it is gone.

“Hush,” Kylo Ren whispers.  _ They will rebuild _ .

He takes you to the black ship with the V-shaped wings. The ramp descends as you approach, two stormtroopers waiting on either side. Kylo Ren stops just at the base of the ramp and turns back to Rey, gesturing her to board with his head. She gives you another look, and gives Kylo Ren another glare, but doesn’t say a word as she stalks up the ramp. 

Kylo Ren speaks to the stormtrooper on the left, ordering, “Keep your eyes on that girl.” To the other, he says, “Prepare the ship to disembark. We will return to Starkiller Base at once.”

As he gives out orders and preparations, a tickle of a presence catches your attention. Your head rolls slowly out of Kylo Ren’s shoulder and you squint out across the smoke-filled battlefield. A single figure is racing through the destruction towards you, still dozens of yards away. You frown, trying to see them through the haze. The ship’s engines roar, drowning out the figure’s screams, but you think you recognize him.

“...Finn...?” you whisper. But it couldn't be. Finn left. Hadn't he?

Kylo Ren turns in the direction you’re facing. He looks out into the battlefield, just for a moment, before carrying you up the ramp. As he ascends and the ramp begins to close, he leans his head down until the cold edge of his mask brushes against the top of your head. 

“ _ Sleep. _ ”

You have no more strength left to fight him. You sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Rain slicks your hair flat against your skull. Your robes are soaked, dragging you down, leaving you collapsed in the mud as you stare into the distance. Open-mouthed and numb, the rain does nothing to calm the blazing temple. Everything you have ever loved is going up in smoke on this night. 

You can barely breathe under the weight of it. You want to scream. Rage and agony are pushing at the back of your eyes, a distant pulse in your blood tempting you to exact your revenge. You almost want to. It isn’t fair. It isn’t  _ fair! _

“What have you done?!”

You know the voices but not the faces. Children behind you--no, not children, but young--faces blurred and blotted out by tears and time. You can’t remember what they looked like, but their disbelief and horror is plain as day. 

You try to tell them it wasn’t your fault, that  _ he _ betrayed  _ you _ , but it doesn’t convince them. They were never your friends, barely even classmates. Ever since they learned who you truly are, ever since  _ you _ learned who you truly are, they didn’t trust you. 

When they draw their sabers, glowing blue and green and sizzling in the rain, you must defend yourself for a second time. You cut them down but feel no satisfaction from it, tears streaming down your face washed away by the rain. It isn’t fair. This isn’t  _ fair! _ You didn’t want this! You didn’t want  _ any  _ of this!

You fall to your knees again, arms wrapped around your torso to keep yourself from falling apart. “Mom,” you croak into the rain, into the nothing. “I didn’t mean it--”

_ Get out of my memories. _

\--x--

You awake to the feeling of calloused fingers brushing against your face.

Rey is leaning over you, the worry creasing her brows easing slightly when she meets your eyes. “Thank goodness,” she sighs, leaning away. “You’re finally awake.”

You’re really starting to get tired of this. If these involuntary visions are going to be plaguing you every time you close your eyes, it’s really going to become a problem. You try to shift and sit up, but a firm tug and a sharp ache from your shoulder force you to remain lying down. “Ow,” is the first thing you manage to groan out, which earns a soft laugh from Rey. 

“I guess I don’t need to tell you not to move too much,” she murmurs humorlessly. 

You reach up to touch the shoulder that had been shot. The burn is much less severe now, with a comforting chill creeping into your burnt skin. Your jacket has been removed to make room for a hastily-wrapped gauze cloth that winds around your shoulder and chest, covering the worst of it. You press against the outside edge of the bandage and your fingers come away feeling slick and oily. You turn back to Rey. “Bacta?”

She nods once, “That guy… gave it to me.” Her face clouds over slightly. “ _ Kylo Ren. _ ”

Hearing his name causes the memory to return to you. Bursting out of the forest like an angel of death to bring swift retribution down on the stormtroopers that had hunted and attacked you. Though… if you were going to be fair, Rey  _ did _ shoot at them first, but that's besides the point. 

You don’t know how to feel about it. On one hand, he is clearly someone with a high rank in the First Order if it means he can slaughter three of his own foot soldiers and not have anyone raise an eyebrow. On the other hand… he was the black figure from your dreams, and no one had ever defended you so desperately or viciously before. You could still feel him if you reached out, his imposing presence in your mind not far away. 

Coy as a cat, you feel him rub back against you when he notices you reaching.  _ You’re awake. _

You don’t respond to him. You shake your head and instead focus once again on sitting up, this time by using both your free hand and Rey’s help to finally get yourself upright. You rub your eyes when you finally manage it, squinting into the darkness. “Where… are we?”

The room that you and Rey are sharing isn’t very large. Black durasteel walls surround you on all sides, polished to the point where they reflect the low light running along the ceiling. The bed you’re laying in is wide and plush, the blankets soft under your hands. Besides the bed, a small console table, and a long bench on the far side of the room beside the bulkhead door, there isn’t much else to the room. 

“I don’t know where we’re going,” Rey sighs heavily. She sounds tired. You don’t know how you hadn’t noticed until now, but there are faint bags under her eyes. Her whole body is slumped on her knees beside the bed, leaning with her arms crossed on the edge to pillow her head. “But we’re still on Kylo Ren’s shuttle. We docked with a larger ship just before he stuck us both in here and gave me a first aid kit.”

You feel a faint grin curl across your lips. It’s entirely devoid of humor. “Prisoners, then?”

“That’s my guess.”

“Lovely,” you rub your forehead. “At least this isn’t the  _ worst _ prison cell I’ve ever seen.”

There is still a faint lump from where your head connected with the shelf back on the  _ Millennium Falcon. _ At this rate, you’re going to end up looking like a shipwreck victim. Now that your shoulder is wrapped up, you decide to peel off the bandage Finn placed on your forehead. No use making yourself look even more pathetic by leaving it on.

_ You’re not pathetic, _ his voice is almost amused.  _ I’m on my way. _

You flick the discarded bandage across the floor and lean back against the wall with a heavy sigh of your own. Rey looks up at you curiously. “He’s coming,” you tell her, and her face shifts into something uncomfortable.

She doesn’t sit up, but she lifts her head and averts her eyes. “You said… before, you said that… I wasn’t the only person in your head.” She takes a deep breath. “Does this mean that… that he… is he the other one?”

You can taste her discomfort on the back of your tongue, but there’s no use denying it. “Yeah,” you admit to her quietly. “It’s… it’s not…” you take a second to find the right words. “ _ Ideal, _ but yeah. It’s you, and it’s him.”

Her fists clench into the soft bed sheets. Her whole body is tense and coiled, but it’s more than discomfort. Even if you couldn’t feel her apprehension you could tell that there’s something wrong just from her body language. You reach out with your good hand and touch the top of her head, making her jump slightly. “What is it?” you ask quietly. “Talk to me.”

She scowls up at you, “You can’t tell?”

“I can only feel what you’re feeling,” you shrug and immediately wince from the movement. “I can’t hear your thoughts unless you let me.”

Her face begins to soften slightly. She looks down again, tilting her head into your hand. It almost looks like she’s  _ melting _ into your touch. Just how touch-starved is she? “It’s just… I’ve seen him before,” she murmurs. “In… the vision, back at the castle. I saw him.”

You pull your hand back, feeling discomfort that is now your own. “Rey,” you begin. “I know that vision wasn’t… wasn’t  _ easy, _ you don’t have to--”

Rey catches your hand. She holds it tight, desperation sharp in her eyes. “He isn’t a good guy,” she hisses. Her grip is tight enough to hurt, just a little. “You have to know. What I saw… we  _ can’t _ trust him.”

You squeeze her hand in return and smile sadly. “I know.” You knew that since the moment you realized Kylo Ren was a part of the First Order. 

Rey opens her mouth to say something else but she’s cut off by the bulkhead door hissing open. You both turn, watching as it reveals the black-cloaked figure of Kylo Ren in the equally-dark hallway. 

He enters the room with deliberately slow steps, stopping just a few feet away from you and Rey. He holds his hands behind his back, hood drawn low over his black mask and the hilt of his lightsaber hanging off a clip on his belt. Moments drift by in silence, the three of you just sitting and staring at each other. 

Finally, he tilts his head to the side. “You don’t trust me.”

Rey flinches like she’s been stung. She jumps off the floor and lands beside you on the edge of the bed, one arm across you defensively and a deep scowl on her lips. Kylo Ren doesn’t move in response to this, still as a statue while Rey sits coiled like a spring. Sighing, you put a hand on her thigh to make her look at you. “Rey,” you say as gently as you can. “It’s all right.” Trust is a strong word, but you’re certain that he isn’t going to hurt you. For now.

“I honestly cannot blame you,” Kylo Ren says easily, the distortion of his mask making his voice sound deeper and more mechanical than it should be. “Trust is something of a desperate commodity these days, not to be handed out lightly. But I must remind you, I  _ did _ save you.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Rey nearly snarls. “You basically kidnapped us, and now you’re holding us prisoner!”

Kylo Ren snorts. “I gave you a choice,  _ scavenger. _ You  _ chose _ to come willingly, if you’ve forgotten.”

Now it’s your turn to scowl. “Her _name_ is _Rey_.”

Kylo Ren shifts his gaze to you. You can feel it as he probes against your mind, but you keep everything below the surface under lock and key. You aren’t going to make the same mistake as you did in the forest. 

It might be a trick of the dim light, but for a moment it seems like he deflates slightly. His confidence slips, just for a second. “You don’t trust me, either?” 

You reach out. There’s just a taste of sorrow before he smothers his emotions down and retreats from you. “Very well,” he continues like the moment hadn’t happened. “ _ Rey. _ If it might help, then I would ask you both to come with me.”

Rey stiffens. “What makes you think we would go  _ anywhere _ with you?”

Kylo Ren turns to the side and nods back towards the still-open door. “I was under the impression you find your current accommodations distasteful,” he remarks smartly. “But if you would rather stay here, I will just ask  _ her _ to accompany me alone.”

Rey leaps to her feet, fists clenched. “ _ Fine _ , we’ll come!”

You look back and forth between them, completely unimpressed. “You guys know I’m sitting right here, right?” They both look down at you, equal amounts of surprise sparking off of them. “Completely conscious, and capable of answering questions for myself?”

It’s kind of funny to see them both look somewhat scolded. Kylo Ren is the first to shake it off while Rey still looks a little embarrassed. He clears his throat and steps back, gesturing down the dark hallway behind him. “Very well, shall we?”

You roll your eyes because you can feel his embarrassment, too. Gingerly you get to your feet, hissing when a quick movement jostles your shoulder. Both of them step forward instinctively, hands raised to help you, and immediately pin each other with glares. If you weren’t so sure that this whole situation will devolve into being life-or-death, their interactions would be hilarious. 

But for now you wave both of them off and succeed in standing up straight on your own. “All right, Kylo,” his name makes him tense. “Let’s go.”

“R-right,” he clears his throat. “Follow me.”

Rey stays by your side as Kylo Ren leads you down the hallway and eventually off the shuttle. He stomps down the ramp into the docking bay of a Star Destroyer. TIE fighters line the walls while stormtroopers and officers in stiff black uniforms patrol the floor. Rey grows tense but doesn’t pause in her stride, and you feel completely confident in your ability to keep a straight face through the bay… until your foot takes the first step off of the shuttle’s ramp.

Agony erupts in your skull. You cry out and clutch your head, making both Rey and Kylo Ren stop short. More people are probably noticing, but you can’t care about that now. Images are flashing through your thoughts, too fast to catch any of them for more than a split second.

White sheets and white skin. The steady beep of a heart monitor. Your father’s face in that black uniform. An explosion and heat washing over your body. Falling asleep on your father’s shoulder. Your father's gentle smile as he turns away from you for the last time. A black figure appearing out of the gray, claws stretched out, yellow eyes burning, a screaming voice-- _ SUBMIT-- _

The sound of your name drowns the screaming out. You refocus, reorient, back in your body. Black cloth is blocking the whole world, Kylo Ren’s gloved hands holding your elbows and keeping you steady. You choke on air and lean against him, gasping sharply, on the cusp of tears. There's questions and panic in his presence, and he hurriedly pushes you and Rey back into the shadow of his shuttle’s ramp. 

“What is it?” Rey whispers sharply.

“A vision,” Kylo Ren responds grimly. 

In the darkness, Rey’s hand comes to your back. You can feel her worry, both of them sandwiching you between them and eclipsing the evil that is still struggling to reach down your throat. At odds, at each other’s throats, but you feel so  _ safe _ with them both touching you. The pain and the emotional feedback loop and the insistent visions… all of it is just too overwhelming to handle.

You clench your fists in the front of Kylo Ren’s tunic and press your face against him, no longer caring that he is a First Order commander and an enemy of the galaxy. Under that mask, he is someone you have known since you were a child, and you have never felt like more of a child than you do right now. 

“It just keeps happening,” you sob into him, frustrated and so  _ tired _ of this. “It just… keeps  _ happening _ …”

Silent helplessness rolls off them both. Rey and Kylo Ren say nothing as you shake between them, quiet until your pain is gone.

\--x--

Your second attempt at leaving the shuttle goes smoother than the first. Rey holds your hand as you step onto the floor of the Star Destroyer, and both she and Kylo Ren visibly relax when it becomes apparent that you aren’t going to be assaulted by more intrusive visions. 

Kylo Ren leads you and Rey out of the landing bay, down endless hallways and past dozens of faceless stormtroopers and officers that sneer as he goes by. You feel a bit like a novelty. Everyone stares at you and Rey behind him and you wonder if he really stopped to think about what it might look like for him to be leading two girls who are clearly not part of the First Order through the ship, especially since neither of you have any form of restraints on. 

_ I don’t care what they think, _ Kylo Ren drifts into your thoughts.  _ Are you okay? _

You purse your lips slightly, staring at his back. It’s still odd to feel his concern, it directly contrasts the image he physically presents. But it feels genuine, as much as you can tell. You don’t want to talk about it, but it doesn’t seem like you’ll be reaching your destination any time soon.  _ I think so. _

_ I wasn’t aware that your visions were that bad, _ he thinks to you.  _ If I had known… _ he isn’t sure what he would have done.  _ But that’s not the point. If you had a teacher-- _

_ I don’t need a teacher. _

His annoyance spikes.  _ If you had a teacher, _ he repeats himself.  _ You could learn to control the visions. _

_ I’m not a Jedi. _

_ But-- _

_ I don’t want to  _ be _ a Jedi. _

He goes silent in your head, and after a moment you feel him retreat. His annoyance is still crackling across your connection, clearly displeased. You try to convey that you have a  _ reason _ but he doesn’t reply, so you drop it for now. The last thing you need is to irritate him while in enemy territory.

\-- _ hear me--can you--can you hear--me--can--can you hear me can you hear me can you hear-- _

Rey clamors into your skull, absolutely graceless in comparison to the way Kylo Ren had opened the connection. You wince and rub your temple, glancing down at her from the corner of your eye. She’s staring intently at you, jaw set and a vein almost popping from her effort to concentrate.  _ Yes, Rey, _ you think in the direction of her light. Her expression widens and her mouth drops open in a grin.  _ I can hear you. Just--gently. Do it gently. _

_ Sorry, _ her mouth closes but her grin doesn’t fade.  _ I wasn’t sure how to do it. This is--I don’t know how to even describe this.  _

You would describe it as the feeling you got when a Rathar clamored down the corridor of the  _ Eravana _ , but you keep that thought to yourself. Or you try to, anyway. Kylo Ren’s presence shifts with amusement.  _ If anyone needs a teacher, it’s probably Rey. _

_ Hm. Food for thought. _

_ What do you mean? _

Can they hear each other? You look from Rey to Kylo Ren and back again. Neither of them rise to answer, but you don’t have any more time to explore that line of thought. Kylo Ren stops walking at a large door at the very end of a wide hall. You tense, immediately expecting that he had led you to the bridge of the ship and is about to toss you into a room full of officers and commanders.

But when the doors open it’s just an observation deck. Wide viewports almost twice as tall as you stretch along the whole wall, opening out into the black openness of space. Distant stars twinkle as Kylo Ren leads you into the room. He stops just before the viewport, looking up into the empty distance in silence. The stars are still, no blue streaks of hyperspace flying by. Wherever you are, you must be close to the destination. 

Rey is still by your side when you join him. Both of them are quiet, their emotions gone dim. It gives you a chance to just reflect on what has transpired up to now. You don’t want to admit it but you know all these visions are trying to point you toward something, or warn you of something. Not for the first time, you wish that the Force would just state its intentions with you obviously, instead of letting you try and figure it out on your own. 

Maybe Kylo Ren was right. Much of your abilities had developed on their own, through trial and error. Having a teacher to explain why this was happening to you wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, even if your aversion to the Jedi made the idea uncomfortable. 

“ _ What _ ,” Rey’s voice is hushed by horror, “Is  _ that? _ ”

You’re pulled back from your thoughts and give her a curious look, but she’s staring out into space with her face sheet-white. You turn, and horror of your own grips your heart when she see what she’s looking at. 

The Star Destroyer is steadily approaching a large white planet, growing larger as you get closer. The planet itself isn’t what affects you, but what has been imbedded inside it. A large hole that must be several hundred miles wide is digging into the side of the planet,embedded in a stripe of machinery strapped around the middle of the planet like a belt. You feel woozy from the sight of it, unable to properly process the  _ scale _ of what you’re looking at. It’s a show of force and savagery that you’ve never seen before, a weapon you’ve never had to comprehend.

“That,” Kylo Ren says simply. “Is Starkiller Base.”

You put a hand on the glass of the viewpoint to keep yourself from falling over. If you faint you’ll probably have more visions, so you stubbornly stay focused on that horrible sight. You remember the red light that had streaked across the sky on Takodana, the red light that had eviscerated half a dozen planets and annihilated the lives of trillions.  _ This _ planet, this  _ weapon,  _ was responsible. This  _ man _ was responsible.

“You--” You turn to Kylo Ren, horrified and furious. You can still feel the ghost of that death vision clutching your heart and suffocating you. “How  _ could _ you--”

“ _ I _ did nothing,” he cuts you off, gesturing to the planet. “This project has nothing to do with me, and it will have nothing to do with you. It is, however unfortunately, where I am currently stationed. When we arrive, we will discuss the matter of the map.”

In the chaos of your vision and the joy of having Rey and Kylo Ren together with you, you had completely forgotten about that. Rey once again coils beside you, defensive anger rising up to meet your growing distress. 

“We’re not telling you anything,” Rey says through her teeth.

Kylo Ren’s mask is as impassive as always. Your affection had blinded you to the truth that no matter how safe he makes you feel, he is First Order, and he will use you as a resource as he sees fit.

Still, his voice sounds sad when he responds, “We shall see.”


	10. Chapter 10

“Any questions you have…” he leans forward slightly. “Now is the time to ask them.”

You press your lips together into a firm line, staring hard and unblinking into the completely impassive mask of the boy you’ve known your whole life. A boy that, you’re starting to wonder, you might not actually know at all. 

Kylo Ren is sitting across from you, on the other side of a polished metal table. His eyes are trained on you just like yours are trained on him, and the both of you are sitting completely still in this interrogation room. 

Or, you _would_ be completely still, if you could just stop _shivering_ every thirty seconds.

From the viewport on the Star Destroyer, you had seen that Starkiller Base was embedded into the side of a large white planet. What you had not realized was the fact that it was a _tundra_ planet, both hemispheres bisected by the superweapon frozen over by snow and ice. Passing through the atmosphere in Kylo Ren’s shuttle had blocked out the worst of the temperature change, at least until the ramp had descended and blasted you all with the chill. 

You had been forced to leave your jacket behind when Kylo Ren escorted you off his shuttle, leaving you virtually unprotected from the cold. You felt worse for Rey though, knowing that her body is more acclimated to heat and dry air. Her white linen clothing would do even less to protect her from the cold than the clothes on your back.

You had assumed the thick layers Kylo Ren wore had been part of his black-knight gimmick. You didn’t realize that the cowl and cape and long coat had actually been to protect him from the planetary conditions of his current home base. 

He shrugs his shoulders, a simple slow movement that re-catches your attention. “It is something you get used to,” he says, commenting on your inner monologue far too casually for your liking. “Now. Your questions?”

You bite the inside of your lip and breathe deeply through your nose. When he had stormed to your rescue on Takodana and slaughtered his own men to protect you, your mind had been absolutely flooded by questions. Now though, in this cold and dim little room, you’re finding it hard to think of them. Here, you are silent.

At the very least, he seems to realize that it’s his own fault. 

The long sigh he releases is heavily garbled by the vocalizer in his mask. He stares back at you, falling back into the chilly silence for the stretch of another few moments. “Please,” he whispers finally, “Talk to me.”

Talk? Talk?! He wants you to _talk?_ White-hot anger flashes through you and he winces. “How _dare_ you,” you seethe at him, baring your teeth in a snarl that doesn’t feel right pointed at him. “The First Order _just_ _wiped out an entire solar system_ _,_ and you just want to sit here and talk to me like it was _nothing?!_ ”

You can still see the red light. You can still see the faces of those people collected on the balcony, can still hear the screams of their final moments echoing into the abyss as the red light blots them all out of the sky. You can see it, streaking across the blue sky of Takodana, watching the planets crumple from the grass as Rey frantically tries to ask you what’s wrong.

You don’t need to ask if he can see this memory. Kylo Ren’s uncomfortable body language is answer enough. “I assumed you would have already known what was happening,” he says after a moment to pick these images out of your thoughts. “After all, you were there when the Supreme Leader gave Hux the permission he needed to activate the weapon and target the planets hosting the majority of the Republic. Have you already forgotten?”

You’re confused until you remember the vision you had after escaping the death gangs and the rathtars that had overwhelmed the _Eravana_. You had seen Kylo Ren before you knew him, standing side-by-side with the ginger-haired general under the eye of that giant… man. The Supreme Leader himself, larger than life.

Kylo Ren’s sudden snort draws you back into the present. “He isn’t _actually_ that tall,” he says with an amount of amusement that is entirely inappropriate for this situation. “My master is just…” He trails off at the look on your face. “Never mind,” he sighs again.

“Where is Rey?” Is your next question, and you can feel the frown he isn’t showing you. “Where did they take her?”

 _‘They’_ meaning the group of officers and stormtroopers that had met the three of you when you entered Starkiller Base’s landing bay off of Kylo Ren’s shuttle. They were led by a single stormtrooper in silver-plated armor, standing even taller than Kylo Ren. He had taken you by the arm and the stormtrooper had taken Rey before either of you could react, splitting off into two different groups before Kylo Ren led you and a small group of guards in a completely different direction. 

Which is how you came to be seated in an uncomfortably cold chair in an uncomfortably cold room, staring uncomfortably into Kylo Ren’s black mask.

You can still feel the burning coals of Rey’s panic and worry, just a few sparks away from reigniting into an inferno. Her presence is just barely on the edge of your periphery senses, not terribly far away but still too far away for comfort. You need to know that she’s okay, since she’s too distracted to answer you directly. 

Kylo Ren, at the very least, is willing to give you that small amount of reassurance. “She’s safe,” he tells you calmly. “Captain Phasma simply placed her in a different room of this same block. I’ll be speaking with her once you and I are done here.”

“And what exactly is it you hope to interrogate out of me?” you snap. “I don’t have any more information about the Resistance, if that’s what you’re after.”

“I don’t intend to interrogate you.”

You clench your hands into fists, fingernails scraping against the silver polish of the metal table between you. “If I’m not here to be interrogated,” you start your next question slowly. “Then why _did_ you bring me here?”

He tilts his head again. “Is it so hard for you to imagine that I might wish to just _speak_ with you? That you might have answers to questions of my own?” There is a long, drawn-out pause. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Please don’t blame me if I don’t take that at face value,” you retort icily. “Since you still haven’t even shown me your _face._ ”

“You haven’t asked me to.”

The anger bubbling inside of you is threatening to boil over. Frustration and pain and so much _longing_ are pushing on the inside of your eyelids every time you blink. You push it all back with the force of your sharp inhale, and let it all out at once. The body across from you is drawing you in with the gravity of his presence, making you ache from how hard you’re struggling to keep him at a proverbial arms’ length, despite how badly you want to fall into his arms and _know_ him the way you had wholeheartedly promised the entire galaxy to Rey. 

There are so many other things you should be worrying about: about the map, about Rey, about Finn--Luke Skywalker and the Resistance and the First Order and the war and the galaxy and all those people you felt _die_ \--

But you’re here. In this little room. He’s here, and he _knows you_ , and there are too many other things to worry about to not allow yourself this moment to just… not worry at all.

Your shoulders slump. Kylo Ren stiffens slightly at the movement, but all you do is rub your head and breathe out slowly through your nose. This emotional roller coaster on top of the events of the past few days, not to mention all the Force-visions you’ve been forced to endure, are steadily taking their toll on you. Stars preserve you, you’re just so _tired_. If he wants your questions and won’t let anything progress until you ask them, then fine. You’ll ask them.

“I’m…” you pause to take another breath, closing your eyes, before finally asking the questions that have been plaguing you your entire life. “I’m so _confused,_ Kylo. What… What is this? Between us, between me and Rey? Why… why can I _hear you?_ Who _are_ you?”

Your voice is irritatingly small in this tiny room. Your words fade out into the silence, until Kylo Ren hunches his shoulders and begins to quietly chuckle without humor. “I’ve been waiting to answer that question for so long…” he shakes his head slowly. “I have been waiting… _so long_ for you to be here, so I could tell you. So I could show you.”

Before your eyes, Kylo Ren lifts his glove-covered hands to his mask. He presses a button on the underside, releasing the bottom half with a soft hiss. Your breath catches in your throat as he finally, _finally_ , reveals his face to you.

Dark sad eyes meet yours across the short distance. Thick, sweaty, and long black hair spills out around his face, curling to frame his cheekbones and laying softly against his forehead. A roman nose is perched in the center of his face, just _slightly_ crooked as if it had been broken and healed in his youth. The smile he gives you looks forced but genuine, as if he is extremely unused to the action. “This,” his voice is so much softer without the distortion of his mask as he gestures to himself, to his sad eyes and his handsome face and his tall body shrouded in black. “Is who I am.”

You have to struggle to swallow around the lump in your throat. You never saw his face in your dreams but you can recognize the shape of his eyes and the slope of his nose, the same way you had _known_ Rey the moment you laid eyes on her. This is the boy who had spent his childhood running down empty but opulent hallways, who had yearned to travel the stars, who had been betrayed so viciously he locked the memory away so deep inside his heart so deeply not even you could reach it. 

A lifetime of sadness and loneliness all wrapped up in a body that doesn’t look that much older than you… but you haven’t exactly had it easy either, have you? None of you did, not you, not Rey, not Kylo Ren. Lonely lives and childhoods with nothing… nothing but each other.

“I…” you don’t know what you want to say. You don’t know what you _should_ say. You’ve been struck dumb by the sight of those eyes. You think that anything you might try to say would pale in comparison to what you’re feeling at this moment. 

Thankfully, you don’t have to say anything. Kylo Ren’s forced smile becomes easier and smaller when he breathes out a small laugh through his nose. “I know.”

He sets his mask down on the table between you, forgotten for the moment. He leans back in his seat and rakes his fingers through his hair, such a familiar motion that you don’t know why you recognize it--until you realize it’s something _you’ve_ done when you’re overwhelmed. 

“As for what is happening between us… I wish I could say I knew, but I don’t.” He shakes his head slowly. “Any time I asked my--...previous teachers,” there’s something in the way he pauses that you notice, but he carries on before you can figure it out, “They would simply say that visions are a natural ability of those who are as strong with the Force as we are. My best guess is that we simply have some sort of… bond.” He shrugs again.

You smile grimly. “My father used to say the same thing about visions… that they’d get easier or go away as I got older.” You wave to the empty air for emphasis, referring to all the visions you’ve been having lately. “Clearly, that hasn’t been true.”

“Your father?” Kylo Ren’s eyebrows knit together. You blink, surprised by his confusion. “You…?”

“Yes?” You frown. “What about him?”

“Never mind,” he shakes his head, waving that train of thought away. “I just…” he sighs heavily, covering his face with his hand for a few moments. When he lifts his head, his gaze catches yours and refuses to let go. “I just… I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe I actually _found_ you. I’ve been searching for so long, you know? Ever since you appeared in my thoughts, I couldn’t get you out of my head.”

That comment makes you pause. You tilt your head to the side, finding it somewhere in the mess of his emotions to feel your own slight amount of confusion. You lean forward, picking out the specific choice of his words from everything else. “Wait… what do you mean, ‘since I appeared’? I’ve been… I’ve been seeing you and Rey for as long as I can remember.”

He chuckles lightly, but the soft reaction is a sharp contrast to the sadness rolling off of him in waves. “No,” he says with a dark smile. “I just couldn’t have it that easy. You’ve been feeling me for your whole life… but _I_ … I _felt_ it, when this bond was formed, whatever it is.”

“What…” your voice is strained. “What do you mean?”

“I was ten years old,” he tells you softly. “Before… it was as if there was a hole in my chest. I had everything, but nothing could fill that _ache_ of the emptiness inside of me. But then… suddenly, without warning, there you were. You burst to life inside of me, seizing me into your combined light and gravity like... a sun… and a moon.”

The realization strikes you like lightning, setting you on fire from the inside out. You had assumed he was just a little older than you, but… “You felt it,” you say with a choked voice. “You _felt_ it when I was born?”

“Both of you,” he confirms with a small nod. “I don’t know why it connects the three of us. I’ve tried to find those answers in my spare moments, but... unfortunately, research opportunities into what was previously known about the Force are currently… limited.” 

You wonder what could possibly be preventing him from doing research into something so vital, so personal… but then the bubble that has been surrounding you and insulating you from the outside world pops. 

You remember where you are. You remember that you are seated across from a soldier, a warrior, a _knight_ for the First Order. You swallow thickly to keep your throat from closing, pulling back from Kylo Ren physically and emotionally. The pain that flashes on his face, the sheer panic, almost makes you want to cry more. “Kylo,” you whisper, and he straightens up, whispering your name in return. “Why… _why_ are you serving the First Order?”

It’s the question you’ve been dreading having to ask since your first vision on the _Millennium Falcon_ . But you have to ask it now, so you can _understand_. 

Kylo Ren curls his hands into fists on the silver table top. His mental state turns quickly from sadness into anger, and he glares hotly down at the mask sitting before you. “My first master…” he says eventually, voice shaking from the fury. “Was _not_ the man I believed him to be. The master I have now, he knows what I am. He knows what I am _meant to be._ ” He looks up at you then, desperate longing seeping through your connection. “And I know what we could be. Together. All three of us.”

You’re shaking your head, but his hand shoots out to grab your own, squeezing your fingers tightly. He draws you back, that desperation pulling you down. “We’re so powerful… don’t you realize that? Even the scav--even Rey. My master can temper us into something this galaxy has never _seen_ before. All I need is the map, to convince him. We could be--”

“I can’t stay here, Kylo,” you choke on the tears, shaking your head even as you squeeze his hand back. “The First Order. You don’t understand--I’m not--I’m not _safe_ here--”

“I can protect you,” he hisses, rising from his chair and blotting out the lights, casting a looming shadow over you. “I _will_ protect you, whatever it is. It’s taken me over twenty years to find you, I won’t let _anything_ happen to you.”

He can’t promise that. You can’t _trust_ that. You can't--

_The white sheet on the gurney. The officers in black uniforms. Your father closing the door. Trust the Force. Trust the Force, little one. The black shadow looming into your thoughts and into your skull and down your throat and around your heart and into your veins and into your mind--_

_\--SUBMIT TO ME_ \--

The table goes flying, crashing violently against the wall. Kylo Ren is on his knees in front of you, gripping your head between his strong hands. Panic is spilling over, from him and from Rey and from you, you don’t know where they end and you begin. “ _Please_ ,” you sob. 

His thumb brushes across your cheek and he slowly shakes his head. “These visions…” he whispers darkly, realization blooming in his big dark eyes along with quickly dawning fury. “...they aren’t coming from you.”

You look up at him through the tears. “What do you--” 

Three sharp knocks sound from the other side of the room. Kylo Ren goes stiff, his grip on you tightening just for a moment before he quickly pulls back to stand. In his absence, the cold swoops back in to surround you. 

Kylo Ren stoops down to grab his mask before he turns towards the bulkhead door. “ _What?!_ ” he snarls through the intercom. 

“Sir,” a clipped staticky voice replies. “There is an issue with the other prisoner you brought back. General Hux is requesting an audience with you at once.”

You watch as Kylo Ren’s shoulders rise and fall once. “Fuck,” he growls out slowly, agitation and anger coloring the short curse.

“Wh-what is it?”

Kylo Ren stabs his finger into the intercom: “Tell Hux that I will meet him, after I’ve dealt with the other prisoner.” He turns back to you after that, pulling the thrown table back into place with nothing more than a flick of his wrist. He’s all but prowling with his steps now, looking nothing like the man you had just been speaking with a moment ago. 

“I’m sorry,” he growls to you. “I wasn’t careful enough.”

“Careful about _what?_ ” You demand, scraping the tears off your face and shaking off the tremors. “Kylo, what’s going _on?_ ”

He reaches out and your whole body goes still when his hand cups the side of your face. You’re frozen by the warmth and the sorrow and the anger in his eyes. “It seems… that my master already has plans for you.”

Terror chills you to the bone.

“I have to go,” Kylo Ren murmurs. “But we aren’t finished here. I’ll find where they put Rey, and then I’ll come back for you. Just…” he sucks in a sharp breath and does the forced smile again. It’s much less reassuring this time around. “Just stay here. I’ll be back soon.”

“No--” you gasp as his hand slips off your face and he turns to leave. “Wait--” you get up from your chair and round the table, chasing after him. “Don’t--”

_\--don’t leave me--come back--stop--wait--no--don’t--_

The door slides closed behind him. It locks just before your body slams into it. 

_I’ll be back,_ he assures you through the connection you’re no closer to understanding. _Please. Trust me._

You want to. You want to trust him so _badly_ that it hurts. 

But you can’t shake the feeling that everything is about take a sharp turn towards the worst.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we begin with this chapter I would just like to put out a HUGE thank you to everyone for all their wonderful reviews, comments, kudos and hits! The support really means so much to me, so thank you!! Thank you all so much!!   
> May the Force be with you all! <3

Your head hurts. 

It’s a feeling that, all things considered, you should be very used to. All of those migraines you had been experiencing prior to meeting Han and Chewie should have made you immune to the throbbing ache in your temples, but you’re not. This headache is not all-encompassing or overwhelming. It’s a simple throb, a gentle ache, but overall impossible to ignore.

You rest your elbows on the cold metal table and cover your eyes. Then, after a moment, you cross your arms and bury your head against the table and try very hard not to cry. 

A few weeks ago, you were no one. You had no name, no past, no future. Nothing but the clothes on your back and the voices in your head, an entire galaxy at your disposal. 

Now, your universe is limited by this tiny interrogation room and your mental state is at the mercy of the two people who share your skull like bunkmates in quarters made for one. 

Where had it all gone wrong, you wonder? Had it been when you accepted Han’s job offer in that dusty cantina back at the space port? Was it when you chose to stay with Rey over your desperate temptation to run and hide from the war? 

Or did it happen earlier, when you first woke up in that tiny cot on Arcadia, when your father pushed your hair out of your eyes and told you that everything was going to be alright? 

You miss him the most in times like this, even though you doubt he would have any advice to offer you about all of this. Maybe things would have been different, if you told him about Rey and Kylo Ren sooner. Maybe he would have stayed. Maybe he would have run earlier than he did. You just know that having the strong line of his back beside you would make you feel much better than you do now. 

_ Your father was weak, _ Kylo’s whisper brushes against you. You flinch away from the sensation of it, curling up tighter on yourself. 

You see a flash of his face. Gaunt and pale despite his smile, telling you only to “Trust in the Force above all else,” before closing your bedroom door and leaving your life for good. The pain, the memory of the abandonment—it clenches around your heart and you choke down a dry sob. No, your father had not been weak. He had been strong and kind and good until the end, and having him here now would make you feel better… even if he couldn’t possibly protect you from what is currently trying to prey upon your mind. 

_...I’m sorry, _ Kylo murmurs after a pause.  _ I hadn’t… I thought… _

It doesn’t matter what he thinks, not now. Not now that you’re sitting alone in the one place you’ve been desperately trying to keep yourself from ever ending up. Not now that you’re lighting up on the radar of the most terrifying man in the entire galaxy. 

_ I’ll speak with him,  _ Kylo insists despite how hard you’re trying to ignore him.  _ I told you. I promised. I  _ will  _ protect you. _

_ And I told  _ you  _ that  _ I  _ will be the one protecting her! _

You lift your head, staring with furrowed brows at the empty space before you in the cold interrogation room. Something in your senses has shifted—Rey’s light and Kylo Ren’s darkness are swirling in a way they’ve never done before. Shifting in and out, back and forth in an odd dance that you can almost visualize if you close your eyes and focus hard enough. 

If you open your imagination, just a little, you can see them. 

The image only lasts for a moment. You see another room, just as small and just as cold as this one. You see Rey, hunched over herself and shivering violently at a table identical to your own. Her bright eyes are narrowed and her teeth are barred, fingernails digging into the bare flesh of her upper arms with her growing agitation.

Across from her, sitting where he was when he spoke to you just a few minutes ago is Kylo Ren. His mask has been replaced, but his posture is just as open and welcoming as it was when you saw him. You watch as he lifts his hands and undoes his mask for a second time, revealing himself to Rey as he did for you. Rey’s eyes widen, and she leans back, mouth falling open but no sound coming out. 

They both turn their heads at the same time, eyes rising to meet yours and meeting just for a split moment before you’re alone again. 

_ I saw you, _ you think towards their energies.  _ Are you really together? Or was that another vision? _

_ It was a vision, _ Kylo confirms immediately.  _ But we are together. _

_ I’m not telling you anything, you scruffy-ass nerf-herding kriffing— _

Rey’s thoughts derail in the direction of more cursing, breaking off as she loses focus on your connection. You rub your head, gentle over the still-sore spot where you hit the cabinet. Your head hurts… so bad. 

In the mental space between the three of you, you don’t watch so much as you feel a push and pull of dominance as Kylo Ren speaks with Rey. Her irritation is less concerning than panic, so at the very least you don’t have to worry about her for the time being. As much as she dislikes him, you know that Rey is just as safe with Kylo Ren as you are. 

He had felt Rey, too. He had felt both of you be  _ born. _ As dark as he is, as questionable as his alliances are, you know within yourself that he won’t hurt either of you. While you still aren’t sure where he stands, you know for a fact that he will make good on that promise of protection. 

Without Rey to worry about, though, you just have one more thing that needs your attention. 

What the hell are you going to do about the Sith master currently trying to creep into your mind?

In all of your visions over the past dozen or so hours (you had lost count after Takodana), you had felt the black and evil presence trying to stretch their influence over you. You hadn’t made the connection at the time, but of  _ course _ it was the man you had seen in your first vision. The Supreme Leader had somehow seen you when you saw Kylo Ren for the first time, and now he is trying to claim ownership of your mind and power like he had already done to Kylo. 

Something was still a bit off, though. It didn’t quite feel the  _ same _ , if you thought about it hard enough. The vision of the Supreme Leader had been terrifying and oppressive and violent in its dominance… but the black shadow somehow still felt  _ worse. _

_ Worse how? _

You don’t know how Kylo Ren can juggle having two conversations at once. You try to put your feelings into words, if only to help yourself understand them better, but you don’t get the chance. 

You’re struck from your thoughts and mental conversation by the sound of the metal locks embedded in the door to the interrogation room disengage. You lift your head in confusion, wondering how Kylo Ren had managed to return from interrogating Rey so fast.

But the black-clad figure that steps inside the room is not Kylo Ren. 

“So,” says the chilling voice of the ginger-haired general, the man who ordered the slaughter of trillions with the destruction of the Republic-allied planets. “ _ This _ is the girl that Kylo Ren brought back in the place of our missing droid?”

He looks exactly like he did when you first saw him in your vision. His face is pale and thin, his red hair parted severely and gelled down against his head. He stares down his nose at you with a barely-contained sneer, and you feel a chill roll through your body. 

“Now, now,” he admonishes you, his teasing is so condescending that it makes your skin crawl. “There’s no need to get up. I’m just here to speak with you.”

Your throat is dry. It takes all of your willpower to keep from swallowing and keep your voice even. “I… I’ve already answered all of Kylo Ren’s questions,” you say finally. 

“I’m sure you have,” the general responds, the condescension in his voice only making you feel worse. “And yet, I still find myself believing that your knowledge of the situation has not been… entirely exhausted.”

Your fingernails scrape against the table as you slowly curl your hands into fists. The general tucks his arms behind his back and begins to slowly pace back and forth in front of you, never dropping that smug air of superiority.

“What  _ else _ do you want from me?” You ask, trying to play up your annoyance. Kylo Ren is pushing on your walls to know why you suddenly put them up, but you have to ignore him for the moment. You need to focus on the man in front of you. The last thing you need is drawing  _ more _ First Order attention on yourself. 

“I simply want answers,” the general says, calm and easy but you know it’s just a front. “You see, when Kylo Ren returned to  _ my _ base from the mission to that backwater smuggler’s haven, he did not offer the  _ proper _ report that was expected of him. He allowed one of my  _ soldiers _ to inform me of the change in our plan. Can you imagine it? Such a  _ simple task _ . The Supreme Leader’s personal apprentice, sent out with a full platoon of  _ my _ soldiers, all to collect one little astromech droid… but that’s not what he returned with.”

You say nothing, but the general doesn’t wait long for a reply. He stops and turns sharply towards you, pinning you with an ice-cold glare. “Instead of following those  _ simple _ orders, the ‘great’ Kylo Ren instead returns to  _ my _ base with two useless ‘informants’!”

Rey must notice the wall, because now she is trying to worm her way into your thoughts right alongside Kylo. You hold them back and take a deep breath, knowing that this situation is much more dangerous than it seems. You need to be as balanced and subdued as possible before you let Rey and Kylo back in. You can’t afford to let their influence tip off the general to anything you don’t want him to know. 

From the tone of his voice alone, it’s clear that he doesn’t think quite highly of Kylo. From the smug look the general gave him all the way back in your vision, you come to the conclusion that there’s some form of animosity or even competition between them. If that’s true, and you let Kylo in now, his anger affecting your actions might cause you to make this fragile situation worse.

What you can tell here and now, the general clearly wants to intimidate you. So you take a deep breath and square your shoulders, put up your chin and glare right back into the general’s cold-eyed stare, determined. “So are you just going to lecture me,” you say smartly. “Or are you going to actually ask me a question?” 

The general’s upper lip twitches as if he either wants to sneer or snarl at you. Regardless, it’s a chip in the cold facade of his confidence that almost makes you want to smirk. 

“Very well,” the general scowls. “Perhaps you can enlighten me, then. After all of his over-enthusiastic and vitriol-fueled campaign to find the Resistance droid… why did he bring  _ you _ and a dirty  _ scavenger _ back to my base instead?”

You know exactly why Kylo Ren brought you and Rey to Starkiller Base. It was because when he landed on Takodana, he had felt the two of you on that planet’s crust like a personal gravitational pull. It had taken everything within you to stay at Rey’s side when his ship landed beside Maz’s castle, so you know without a shred of a doubt that there was no way he would have left the planet without you. If he felt that missing puzzle-piece feeling at all like you had, then you can certainly understand why he had taken you both with him. And that had been  _ before _ you got shot! 

Knowing how he feels--knowing that he views you and Rey like his own personal sun-and-moon orbit, you know exactly why he had given up the search for BB-8, grabbed you from the ground where he found you, and split. 

But you can’t exactly tell the general all of that.

So you think, quickly as you can, to spin up a story as best as you can to get this general off your back. 

“Kylo Ren,” you begin, and don’t miss the way the general straightens his back and narrows his eyes as if he is salivating for information. “Is… more or less convinced that since my friend and I have seen the map that the droid is carrying… he can… take the image from our minds.”

The general narrows his eyes just a little bit more. You wonder if he can even still see you. 

The general crosses his arms and glares down at you for the span of several seconds. You keep your face as even as you can, ignoring the undefined whispers of Kylo and Rey trying to get your attention. 

“Interesting,” the general finally says, although his expression is still unchanged. “So you say that  _ both _ of you have seen the map… and yet he chose to bring back both of you when just  _ one _ would have sufficed? How… unprecedented.”

The general turns to his slow pacing again, each footstep feels like a ticking clock counting down the seconds until you slip. Slowly, his expression melts from the cold mask back into a smug grin again and you have to force yourself to keep from scowling in return. “I must say, I’ve never given much thought towards Kylo Ren’s…  _ personal _ interests. I had all but begun to believe he exists solely for the glory of serving the Supreme Leader and the First Order… so you can imagine why I might be skeptical about thinking he may have no ulterior motives in this situation.”

You narrow your own eyes this time. The pressure on your mind is getting harder to withstand. Your headache is getting worse. 

“But I can’t deny it… You  _ are _ quite a young, attractive woman.”

Your eyes all but pop out of your skull. The general has stopped in front of you, a thin black tower blotting out the light. His expression is not warm or even lewd--his comment was not a complement. As your mouth falls open, no words come to you. In your shock your mental walls collapse, and Rey and Kylo immediately scramble in.

_ What is it? _

_ Why did you block me out? _

_ Where are you? _

_ What’s going-- _

_ Oh no-- _

_ That slimy son of a-- _

_ Who is that?! _

**_Hux._ **

You try as hard as you can not to wince as their voices overtake you. The general is smirking down at you but it is clearly not a good sign. “I think I understand,” the general chuckles. “A pair of young women--both of you could be quite lovely...with a severe scrubbing, that is. Perhaps the esteemed Kylo Ren has taken an interest in keeping  _ pets. _ ”

The anger you had been worried about Kylo spreading into you is starting to set in. You grit your teeth against the indignation, trying to stay in control despite the insult. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you say through your teeth. 

“No,” the general chuckles. You curse yourself for reacting to his bait. “I suppose you might not. But, Kylo Ren is a young man, after all. How amusing it would be to think that even with all that training he still is not above the influence of his more… shall we say, basic interests.”

You cross your arms over your chest and lean back in your chair, trying to reclaim the air of indifference you had just a few moments ago despite the growling anger boiling under your skin. It isn’t yours, you can just push it away. You allow yourself just a moment to deliberate over your response before saying, “Alright, I get it, Kylo Ren is horny. Do you have any  _ other _ questions you plan on asking me, or are we done here?”

The smirk instantly drops off the general’s face. He scoffs. “I assure you that we are not  _ done _ here just yet,  _ girl _ . Every member of the Resistance has such  _ smart mouths _ , don’t they?”

Your skin prickles in a bad way. “I’m not Resistance.”

The general’s smirk slowly curls back across his face. “Oh?” he chuckles darkly. “Do you really expect me to believe that?”

“It’s the truth.” You genuinely hadn’t expected to have to resort to  _ honesty _ in this conversation.

“So, let me be sure I have this claim clear… you want me to believe that  _ you _ , a young woman identified as transporting the orange and white astromech BB unit containing a map to Luke Skywalker, on board the  _ Millennium Falcon _ , with  _ the _ Han Solo… were  _ not _ , in fact, a part of the Resistance?”

_...well when he puts it like that… _

_ You’re not helping! _

You clench your fists again and scowl, keeping eye contact and your face as firm as you can. “I was just hired for a job smuggling Rathtars, and he called himself Soloman when I met him. He didn’t want anything to do with the droid. We were trying to get rid of it on Takodana.”

“Of course,” the general says sarcastically. “Which is why a whole army of Resistance fighters just happened to randomly show up just in time for that little droid to get away?”

_ Fuck _ , you think.  _ Kylo, I think I might have a problem. _

_ I know. _ His voice is dark. Dangerous like it was on Takodana.  _ I’m on my way. Stall him. _

_ I’m coming too! _

_ No you are  _ not _ \-- _

“Allow me a moment to try and… clear the air a bit,” the general says easily. “You have a very… delicate situation on your hands. But there is a way that we can all walk away from this in a better state than we went it.”

_ Of course that snake is trying to cut a deal-- _

_ Kylo, shush! _

“You have two choices before you,” the general continues, oblivious to the conversation happening inside your head. “You can continue to deny your involvement with the Resistance, and you will be left at the mercy of whatever Kylo Ren has planned for you.”

_ I actually don’t mind that plan. _

_ Kylo-- _

_ I’m almost there. Keep him talking. _

“Or… you reveal the location of your Resistance base, and I allow you and your little scavenger friend to go free, wherever you like, with a hefty sum of credits to support whatever new lives you may choose.”

You had forgotten, in your anger, how cold the interrogation room is. Sitting here now, as the general’s voice stretches into silence, the cold steadily creeps back into your skin and bones. Your hair stands on end, gooseflesh rising all down your arms. Your throat has gone dry. 

“You…” you croak on the word. Swallow. Try again. “You’re going to… you’re going to target the Resistance base?”

You know what he plans to do. You had seen what this base, this planet, this  _ weapon _ is capable of. All at once, you’re overwhelmed by the truth of it. There is absolutely nothing else the general could be planning to do with that information. 

“Of course,” the general says simply. “It would be quite an impressive help, you know. And the First Order has never been shy about helping those who help us.” He tucks his hands behind his back again and smirks at you. “You could have a new life, anywhere you like. You won’t even have to see the First Order ever again, I could have you and your scavenger friend on a transport to the Outer Ring in less than an hour, if you’d like.”

You remember what Finn and Rey had said to Han, back when you first met them, that they needed to get BB-8 to the Resistance Base in the Ileenium System. You don’t know what specific planet, but that doesn’t matter. You know it won't matter, if the general finds out. 

The red light. The screaming. Planets destroyed. Trillions of people atomized into  _ dust. _

And this man wants to do it again. 

And he wants you to help him. 

You feel sick. You feel dizzy. You feel… you feel anger, and horror, and guilt and sadness and regret and pain. So much pain. So much  _ death. _

“I thought it would be easy for you,” the general taunts you, amused by the range of emotions you must be displaying for him. “They  _ must _ have told you where the droid needed to go. If you aren’t a part of the Resistance, then what would they matter to you?”

It isn’t about the Resistance. It isn’t about loyalty--it’s about  _ decency. _ There are  _ people _ on those planets--people that might  _ not _ be Resistance out in that system that don’t know what’s coming. Billions upon  _ billions _ of lives--and he doesn’t even care. 

“I can see how hesitant you are,” the general slowly crosses around the table, coming to stand in the space behind you. “Perhaps I could sweeten the deal just a bit? Maybe you wouldn’t want to leave right away… maybe I can allow you to watch from… more comfortable quarters?”

The sudden heat of his body makes your whole body flinch when he runs a hand through your hair, brushing a whole lock off your shoulder. Kylo and Rey absolutely  _ snarl _ within you as your stomach churns. You feel so tempted to vomit straight on the table. “Don’t touch me,” you try to snarl and snap but your voice has been strangled silent. 

“Come now,” the general insists, reaching over to do the same thing again on your other shoulder. “I’m sure you can be reasonable… I assure you, I would be much more… agreeable than Kylo Ren.”

Does this bastard seriously think he’s  _ saving  _ you? You shake your head and lean away, finally grabbing Kylo and Rey’s anger and using it to fuel your voice, “Don’t  _ fucking _ touch me!” You snarl at the general. “And I’m not going to tell you a  _ goddamn thing! _ ”

He drops his hand, but his expression does not fall. He doesn’t even look angry. “Well, that is a shame. I had seriously hoped you could be reasoned with… but alas.” He shakes his head, smirk only growing wider. “Oh you stupid…  _ stupid _ girl. Do you think you’re saving anyone? Is that your plan? Do you think that  _ you _ are our only source of information?”

You’re cold again. “What?”

The general laughs. “We  _ know _ where the Resistance Base is, you stupid girl. We’ve known for months! The elimination of the Republic was our first test of the weapon, and without allies or reinforcements, the Resistance is  _ powerless _ against us. Your precious planet D’Qar in the Ileenium System is being targeted  _ as we speak _ .”

You can’t breathe. The room is closing in on you. Not even Kylo and Rey on your periphery can keep you grounded now, everything is spinning uncontrollably into nothing. Why… why would he bother  _ asking _ you?! You want to scream. If he already knew, what was the point?! Why would he  _ mock _ you like this?! Why… “Why?” you finally croak.

“I wanted to see if perhaps your loyalty could be bought, if not shifted,” he explains, mockingly calm. “Clearly not. Although, I am still willing to offer you one thing from my previous deal.” 

He reaches out and strokes your hair again. “Would you like to sit here and wait for Kylo Ren to painfully extract the information he needs from your skull… or would you like to accompany me to my bridge and watch as the weapon charges in preparation to end this war once and for all?”

Fire ignites inside your skull. White-hot fury triple layered over itself burns in your throat. Red and blue and--

Purple.

_ Do-- _

_ \--NOT-- _

**_\--TOUCH--_ **

“ **_M E !_ ** “

Your voice is a shockwave, physical with intensity. The general is ripped off his feet and sent flying across the room. His head connects with the metal of the far wall with a loud crack, and he crumples to the floor like a piece of tossed laundry. 

All you can do is stare. And breathe. Your upper lip is wet. You taste the tang of blood on your tongue. A quick swipe reveals your nose is now bleeding heavily. What have you done?

You’ve never done that before. Not even at your most angry or your most desperate have you ever been able to wield the Force like a  _ weapon _ . Was it even your own power? Was it Kylo’s? Was it Rey’s? 

Was it all of you at once?

The question terrifies you. If  _ this _ is the power of your connection… what  _ else _ is it capable of?

Rey and Kylo are clamoring together in your skull. You can feel them but you cannot hear them, your own thoughts in too much turmoil to listen. Across the room, the general lies still and silent on the floor. 

Too still. Too silent. 

As his worlds repeat endlessly over and over in your thoughts, you slowly get up from the table. You wipe the blood that is dribbling down your chin away with your arm and approach him, wary. You nudge his arm with the toe of your boot, but he doesn’t move. You crouch down beside him and press your fingers against his neck, not sure what you’re hoping to find. 

The anger returns full-force when you feel his pulse still beating underneath his skin. 

You don’t care about Kylo’s sharp worry about guards. You don’t care about Rey’s concern for your bleeding nose. You shove the general on his back and dig through his large black coat, fingers closing around cold metal. 

You pull out the blaster, undo the safety, and point it at his head. 

This is the man in charge of Starkiller base. This is the man who ordered the genocide of the planets hosting the Republic, heedless of anyone else living there. This is the man who is targeting the Resistance, the galaxy’s last hope for true freedom and justice. 

You can kill him. Right here, right now, right at your feet, and avenge the lives of every single person you felt die. You could do it. It would be so easy!

Kylo and Rey whisper your name.

Your hand shakes. 

The trigger is right under your finger. 

The general is helpless, defenseless, and honorless.

But you can’t do it. 

You can sense that leaving this man alive at this moment is going to be the biggest mistake of your life… but you can’t do it. You can’t pull the trigger.

Shame forces you to draw up your walls again despite Rey and Kylo’s protests. You push them out and away, tucking the blaster into your belt and reaching down to root through the general’s coat once again. 

When you get back to your feet, you have a shiny access pass and the general’s long black coat around your shoulders. You pull it secure over your shoulders and take aim at the mechanism keeping the interrogation door locked. 

When the door slides open, you step out into the cold hallway still holding that righteous fury in your chest. 

You have an an system to save, and  _ no one _ is going to stand in your way. 


	12. Chapter 12

The easiest thing about erasing memories, you’ve come to realize, is that it feels almost like packing up your belongings from a pile of shared objects. You sift through and find which ones are yours, dust them off, and pack them away in a little bag before moving on. It isn’t particularly hard to do, even on people you’ve known for months. Many of the crews you left behind had been given the treatment for their safety and your own, leaving yourself as a featureless shapeless silhouette in the back of their minds before moving on. 

On Starkiller Base, it’s laughably easier. The group of stormtrooper guards that must have escorted the general standing outside the interrogation room are helpless to the wave of your hand. They straighten up and lower their blasters, then rush into the room when you leave. It’s probably better that you just knocked out the general instead of killing him. You’re just a missing prisoner now, instead of a missing assassin. That makes it easier for you to wander into the labyrinthine hallways and corridors of the base, erasing memories as you go. 

You had thought it was easy to erase the memories of your old crews, but this is ridiculous. These people don’t know you, their only memory is you walking past them once. A little tug is all it takes for the passing stormtroopers, officers, and technicians to forget your unfamiliar face and think you’re just another uniform going about your business. Stealing the general’s coat was impulsive of you, but it’s a huge help. 

That isn’t to say that erasing memories like it’s going out of style doesn’t take its toll on you. You haven’t fully recovered from the burst of kinetic energy that saved you from the general, or even fully from the wound in your shoulder, but you can’t allow yourself to slow down. 

Not now that you know what’s at stake.

_ Where are you going? _ Kylo breaks into your thoughts, urgent but only mildly annoyed.  _ I told you to wait for me! _

You shake your head and don’t pause in your stride, not even bothering to wave your power at a passing technician who doesn’t even raise their eyes from the datapad in their hand as you pass.  _ Something changed. _

_ What changed? _

_ They’re in the process of targeting the Resistance. Your general friend was kind enough to inform me of that. _

Kylo’s indignation is as sharp as his pang of panic.  _ Hux is  _ not _ my friend, _ he tells you firmly.  _ And I… I didn’t know. _

You don’t know if you believe him or not, but this isn’t the time for that conversation.  _ Where’s Rey? Which way do I go to get to the control room? _

_ Rey is where I left her--or she  _ should be _ where I left her. But that’s not the point. Where are  _ you _ going? _

_ I told you! I’m going to the control room, or the bridge, whatever is closest. _

_ And what are you planning on doing when you get there? Are you going to just walk in and ask them nicely to  _ not _ obliterate the Resistance? _

_ No! _

_ Then are you planning on slaughtering everyone in the room to stop them? Stop and think about this! Just… wait for me. Please. We can… we can talk about this together. We’ll figure something out. Wait for me. _

You shake your head and blink tears away.  _ I can’t wait, Kylo. I don’t know how much time we have! I have to… I have to do something. _

_ Why? _ He’s frustrated.  _ I thought you didn’t care about the Resistance. _

_ I’m not a part of the Resistance, but that doesn’t mean I don’t  _ care! _ Kylo, I felt it when they destroyed the Republic! All of those screams, all of that death--I can’t--I can’t feel that again. I can’t go through that again!  _

He’s silent for a long stretch of time. Then,  _ Wait for me. Please. _

You sigh heavily.  _ You’re not going to change my mind, Kylo. But if you want to catch up, you’d better hurry. _

\--x--

You knew after the view from the Star Destroyer that Starkiller Base covers a majority of the planet it was built into, but somehow it didn’t quite translate the exact  _ scale _ of the base into your mind. You walk for what feels like hours, thinking you’re going in circles only to remember you’ve mostly been going in a straight line. New blocks of technology development, stormtrooper quarters, cafeterias, offices--even  _ schools _ . Your stomach churns as you barely spy the sight of round childlike faces in neat little rows in neat little desks. Starkiller Base isn’t just the size of a city, it is the size of a  _ country _ , with people going about their whole lives squished in between the machinery dedicated to obliterating whole star systems. 

The juxtaposition makes you feel light-headed on top of your still-churning headache. How could these people  _ live _ here like this? You suppose it could just be because this is where they were assigned, but seeing proof of the fact that whole  _ families _ are living on this planetary weapon makes you want to be sick. Like the size and scale of the weapon itself, you simply cannot wrap your head around it.

You step off into a little alcove out of the way, needing to take a moment just to breathe. Before now, the First Order had just felt like an ominous slow-moving storm cloud off in the distance. Easy enough to outrun or avoid, but here… walking through the halls and passing the people like this, you see them in a way you never considered before. The general controlling them all is a monster, but even  _ he _ had been human. The people here… they’re all human, just like you. 

Every stormtrooper has a face beneath their helmet. 

Every stormtrooper could be another Finn. 

You cover your face and lean against the wall, overwhelmed and exhausted. You haven’t gotten a proper amount of rest since before Chewie and Han had found the  _ Millennium Falcon _ , since that had been before visions began to plague your every sleeping moment. Using so much of your power like this hasn’t been helping either. 

_ If you had just stayed put _ , Kylo slips in, annoyed,  _ I could have helped you get some rest. Your shoulder hasn’t fully healed, I hope I don’t have to remind you. _

You brush your fingers against Rey’s sloppy bandage. So caught up in your desperation to stop the First Order from firing the weapon again, you had completely forgotten about her, and shame tastes bitter on your tongue.  _ You don’t have to remind me… But if I had slept, I might have missed what they were planning to do! Then a whole second system would be blotted out of the galaxy. _

_ Have you considered that maybe ending this war isn’t a bad thing? _

_ Ending the war isn’t a bad thing at all, _ you don’t know if you can growl through your thoughts but you hope your tone conveys it.  _ But ending it  _ this _ way is! Kylo, I don’t understand how I’m supposed to explain to you that genocide is never the answer! _

He’s silent for several moments. You take the time to just breathe in your little alcove, to get your thoughts back in some semblance of order. 

_ For what it’s worth, _ Rey pipes up, finally tapping in to the conversation.  _ I’m on her side on this. _

_ Of course you are, _ you can almost feel Kylo rolling his eyes in frustration.  _ Listen, _ he aims to you.  _ I think I know where you are. Take this next hallway to a freight elevator, and go down to level 6 block D. I’ll meet you there… pretend I caught you or something. Then I’ll… I don’t know. We’ll go to the bridge and cause a scene. You seem to be pretty good at that. _

_ I don’t know what you’re talking about. _

_ Are you kidding? Seeing Hux laid out on the floor like that is the second best moment of my life. _

_ Really? _ You cover up a smile even though you know he can feel it.  _ What was the first? _

_ You know what the first is. Level 6, block D. We’ll figure this out, I promise. _

You take another long breath and let it out slowly.  _ Okay. I’m on my way. _

_ I’m on my way, too! _ Rey adds, sounding extremely pleased with herself.

_ What the Hell do you mean you’re-- _ Kylo stops suddenly. His annoyance spikes even higher.  _ Rey. _ His tone is dark.  _ Why was I just informed that the guard I assigned to watch you just left his post  _ and _ his weapon? _

You can feel Rey’s smile, shimmering like a sun, _ Because I told him to! _

His frustration is palpable, but you can feel that he’s also slightly impressed. Now that Rey is aware of her powers, they are going at a remarkable rate. It’s… more than even you had expected, honestly. More than Kylo had anticipated, clearly. 

_ You are both shaping up to be much more trouble than you are worth, _ he grumbles. 

This time, you don’t bother hiding your smile or stopping a tiny giggle from escaping. You push out of your little alcove and check to see if the coast is clear before hurrying down the hall to the nearest elevator. With General Hux’s access pass, the doors open for you without any resistance. You have to take a guess at how to properly punch in your desired destination on the control panel, and then you’re descending. 

_ You don’t really believe that, _ you tease.

_ Let’s just make it through the rest of today, _ Kylo replies,  _ And then we’ll see what I believe. _

\--x--

The elevator stops at level 7, block A, and refuses to go any lower. 

“Are you kidding me,” you grunt, stabbing the touch screen with your finger like you could somehow convince it to go against what it was built to do and just carry you further down anyway. When it still refuses, you blow your hair out of your face and resign yourself to having to find another way to meet Rey and Kylo. It would be exceedingly helpful if he could share some kind of  _ map _ of the base with you over the mental connection, but apparently it’s easier for him to pluck images out of your head than it is to give you new ones. 

_ Again. You are the one who went sprinting off into the base without a direction. It isn’t my fault you got lost. _

_ Yeah, yeah, _ admittedly, it wasn’t your brightest moment, but you had to put the general and the knowledge of what you’d almost done behind you as fast as possible. It isn’t something you want to dwell on any longer.  _ Just tell me where to go from here. _

_ Don’t worry about Hux, _ Kylo’s voice is gentle.  _ And don’t beat yourself up. It’ll get-- I mean, next time, you won’t feel so… It isn’t--Wait. No. Who--?  _ **_No._ **

You slip off the lift and draw the general’s coat closed around your non-uniform standard outfit, frowning into the open air. Stammering unfinished thoughts isn’t like Kylo at all. His emotions are suddenly out of control--anger and pain and longing and loneliness and hatred and love and desperation--and you can barely stand as they all wash over you at once.  _ Kylo? _ You call into the connection, trying to keep hold on his black presence in the back of your head. He’s close to throwing up a wall again.  _ Kylo, I feel that. What is it? _

His voice is dark with a fury you have yet to ever feel him truly display. It almost frightens you with the intensity.  _ Keep moving, _ he growls.  _ Go to where I told you go. Both of you. I’ll meet you there when I can. _

You want to remark that getting there is easier said than done considering you don’t know where exactly to go, but before the thought fully forms in your mind Kylo’s warm darkness goes cold and dim. He pulls away so suddenly the loss startles you, just like he had after you first saw him and the Supreme Leader.

_...what was that about?  _ Rey wonders.

_ I don’t know… but I have a feeling we’re going to find out soon enough. Keep moving, I’ll meet you eventually. _ You hope.

Rey agrees, and you feel her retreat to focus on staying out of sight. You shake off your growing unease, and push forward once again. 

It’s a little hard to make your way through the base now that you aren’t plowing on without a plan. You have to take the time to check around every corner for another elevator or at least a staircase. Considering every part of the base follows the exact same aesthetic, you once again start to feel as though you’re going around in circles. 

Finally, it feels like you’re making progress. You enter into a tall corridor heading deeper into the base, with open walkways criss-crossing above your head. The floor is gently sloped downwards with a few steps every few yards. Delighted by the sight of a path that might take you even slightly closer to a lower floor, you hurry down as fast as you can without drawing any more attention to yourself. Smooth sailing so far!

Immediately after that thought crosses your mind, you’re proven completely wrong. You round a sharp curve and stop short so suddenly your boots squeak on the polished floor. Panic forces you to freeze up, and you slap a hand over your mouth to keep from yelping out loud. Very carefully, you try to back away as calm and quickly as you can without being seen. 

Just a few dozen feet away around the bend in the hallway stands the imposing figure of a lone stormtrooper, her silver armor glinting in the electric lights set against the walls. You swallow thickly, unable to shake how intimidating and imposing of a figure she is. She is a much more dangerous force to be reckoned with than the rest of the stormtroopers, a captain on the same level of authority as General Hux. If she catches you, you don’t know if you would be able to erase her memory as easily as you did everyone else. And if that doesn’t work, you have much higher doubts that throwing her against a wall will have the same effect as getting rid of the general. 

You take another deep breath and try to take another slow step back. If she was passing through, it would be easy enough to just avoid her, but she’s just standing there, blocking your path.  _ Move _ , you try to force your will on her, scowling and focusing on the back of her head.  _ Just--keep walking already! LEAVE! _

The silver stormtrooper shakes her head and finally moves to step forward.

Immediately, a large brown furry mass slams into her from further out of your view with the full strength of a hover train. Your mouth falls open in shock as the stormtrooper is knocked sideways into a narrow access path, out of view of the hallway entirely. 

You would recognize that furry mass anywhere. 

Heart in your throat, you hurry around the curve. Across the corridor where the stormtrooper vanished through, two very familiar men step out of the shadows. One is an ex-stormtrooper in an ill-fitting leather jacket and black clothes, the other is a scruffy old smuggler in desperate need of a shave.

None other than Finn and Han Solo, about to follow after Chewbacca and the stormtrooper captain he just tackled.

“What the Hell are you guys doing here?!” you exclaim with a giddy laugh. Happiness and relief--but also resentment and bitter anger stain what should be a joyful reunion. You can’t believe what you’re seeing, but you also can’t understand the mix of emotions you’re feeling. You can’t dwell on them for very long though, because almost immediately both men are pointing their blasters at you. Maybe your coat disguise works a little _ too _ well after all. 

“Woah, woah, woah!” You yelp, frantically holding up your hands. “It’s me! It’s just me! Please don’t shoot!”

Han stares for the length of five seconds before his eyes finally widen. His gruff face of cold resolve melts into relief, making him look both older and a little younger at the same time. He runs a hand over his chin and lowers his blaster, changing the relief pointedly into annoyance. “What the Hell is wrong with you?” he growls. “I almost took your head off!”

You barely manage to inhale the breath to retort when suddenly Finn is crashing into you, hugging you for all you’re worth. You wheeze as your breath is pushed from your lungs, but manage a small laugh as you gently pat his back. “Sorry,” you say to Han, before gently prying off Finn’s iron grip. “What are  _ you _ doing here?!” You ask him, giddy with incredulity. “I thought--I thought you  _ left! _ ”

The smile he gives you in return is regretful. “I almost did,” he admits softly. “But then… I saw what happened to the Hosnian system. By the time I came back, Maz’s castle was under attack and I knew I couldn’t walk away.”

It’s such a relief to see him again, to know that he hadn’t actually gone through with leaving. Especially after the way Rey had reacted to seeing him go. “That’s so good to hear. But, at the same time, what are you guys doing  _ here? _ As in, on the Starkiller?”

Finn’s expression hardens. “I saw Kylo Ren abduct you and Rey. We’re here to save you!”

“‘Save us’? What do you…?” 

And then it hits you. Of _course_ they would want to save you. As far as they are concerned, Kylo Ren really did kidnap you and Rey from Takodana. They have no idea about your connection at all. “Oh. Yeah.” What a complicated mess! You don’t know how to even  _ begin _ to explain your way through this whole situation. “Right… uh, about that…”

“Yeah,” Finn laughs. “Clearly, you don’t need that much rescuing.” He glances behind you, then around, and his smile falters a bit. “Rey isn’t… with you?”

“No,” you shake your head. “She did manage to escape too, but we got separated. I was on my way to try and find her when I ran into the chrome-dome over there.”

Finn opens his mouth to retort but Han cuts him off. “Speaking off,” he says with an annoyed kind of urgency. He gestures with his blaster towards the stormtrooper captain that Chewie is still pinning down with the full weight of his body, and you and Finn shelf your conversation in order to heal with the task at hand. 

Hidden in the little alcove, Chewie hauls up the stormtrooper captain and aims his plasma-bold crossbow at the back of her head. Han aims at the side of her helmet, leaving Finn to stand up in front of her with the most shit-eating grin on his face you’ve ever seen. “You remember me?”

The stormtrooper’s glare is a physical thing. “FN-2187.” She rattles off Finn’s designation number with malice dripping from her words. So she does remember him. 

“Not anymore!” He declares smugly. “The name is  _ Finn _ , and  _ I’m _ in charge now, Phasma!  _ I’m  _ in charge!”

Han pats him very calmly on the shoulder, barely hiding his exasperation. “Bring it down,” he urges. “Just a little bit.”

“Right,” Finn agrees, relaxing his face into something more serious. He clears his throat. “Phasma, I hope you weren’t doing anything important, because we just cleared your schedule. You’re gonna be helping _us_ for the time being.”

The captain snorts. “And  _ why _ would I do that?”

“Because the alternative is getting your head blasted off and being left here to rot until someone eventually comes along to find you,” you pipe up as helpful as you can, grinning ear to ear. It feels so  _ good _ to be on the other side of this whole intimidation routine. 

The captain shifts to glare at you in turn, even more venom dripping from her words. “ _ You. _ I knew that bringing you and the scavenger on this base was a  _ mistake. _ A mistake I fully intend to--” she pauses. “...is that… the general’s coat?”

You brush imaginary dust off the front of yourself and grin wider. “Sure is. But don’t worry about that right now. All you have to worry about is helping us with--uh.” You look at Finn. “What… do you need her help for, anyway?”

“Oh,” Finn gently bumps his forehead. “Right, you don’t know! The Resistance found out that they’re Starkiller Base’s next target, so now the fleet is on it’s way to bomb the shit out of the central oscillator and destroy it.”

You blink. “You--you went to the Resistance?”

“Of course! There was no way I was gonna be able to help you guys by myself,” Finn laughs again. “They’re on the way now, but we need good old Phasma here to help us disable the planet shields so they can do their thing.”

Phasma snorts again. “You  _ do _ realize what that means, don’t you,  _ FN-2187? _ ” she says his old designation very pointedly. “The weapon is charging as we speak… if you destroy the oscillator, you destabilize the integrity of the entire weapon. Without that stability, the stored solar energy will have nowhere to go… except out.”

Finn rolls his eyes, oblivious to the horror that is suddenly chilling you to the bone at the implications of Captain Phasma’s words. “You think we didn’t plan for that?” he asks her sarcastically. “Don’t you worry about  _ us _ . We’ll have plenty of time to outrun the blast.”

Your fear is confirmed. While destroying the weapon that is Starkiller Base would be an  _ extreme _ victory for both the Resistance and the galaxy as a whole, the rest of the planet would be destroyed right along with it. The  _ whole planet. _ Every officer, every pilot, every technician, every stormtrooper… 

You remember the tiny school you had passed. 

“You can’t,” you blurt out before you can stop yourself. “Y-you can’t destroy it!”

“What?” Finn and Han and even Chewie all look at you with mixed amounts of incredulity. “What do you mean we can’t destroy it?”

“Kid, this whole place is settling in to wipe D’Qar off the map just like Hosnian Prime!” Han exclaims. “What the Hell are you talking about?”

“Finn,” you grab him by the front of his jacket, the jacket of the man who saved his life and showed him a different path worth taking. “There are  _ people _ on this base! Regular people, not soldiers, or generals or captains or officers. They will all  _ die _ if we do this!”

Finn gently covers your hands with his own, his dark eyes reserved and sad and understanding. “I… I know…” he whispers softly. “But even more people will die if we don’t.”

It’s a double-edged blade. There is no way out of this situation. No way to avoid a number of deaths that you cannot even fathom. What is the difference between the deaths of a few thousand versus a few million? Either way, whether it be Starkiller base or D’Qar, a planet will be destroyed. 

“Look,” Han cuts in, and for some reason the low gravel tone of his voice grates you the wrong way. “I understand what you’re trying to say, kid, but we don’t have time to deal with this ethics issue. People are counting on us, and we don’t have much time.”

“You will have no time,” Phasma grunts. “My troops will storm this whole block and slaughter you--”

Han knocks her sharply on the side of the helmet. “Shut up. Kid, listen to me,” he turns back to you. “I know what you’re trying to do. But we don’t have any other options here. If you got a better idea, now is the time to say it.”

You open your mouth but nothing comes out. You’re stricken, completely at a loss. You feel like you did in the moment with your blaster pointed at General Hux’s head, but this time you can’t just run away from the choice. You can’t escape it. Someone has to die. You try to put every ounce of regret and terror and horror into your eyes, but Han’s grave expression doesn’t change. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “But we gotta go. We gotta get those shields down.”

“Unless…”

You turn to Finn. He has a hand to his chin, very slowly turning to look at Phasma out the corner of his eye. You can see the cogs in his head turning as he thinks. 

Han huffs. “Now is not the time for dramatic pauses! Did you all forget that this is a very large life-or-death situation out there? Clock is ticking!”

“Right! Sorry!” Finn drops his hands. “Listen, I think there might be a way solve both problems.”

“ _Really?_ ” 

“Yeah. You stole Hux’s access card along with his coat. right?”

“Of course,” you almost feel offended. “I’m not an idiot!”

“Excellent,” Finn’s smile grows. “Alright, look. I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy, but there  _ is _ a way to initiate a base-wide evacuation for all non-essential staff. It’s there in place if the planet ever gets attacked and the First Order decides to retreat without abandoning the base.”

Phasma snarls, “You little--” until Chewie knocks her with his plasma crossbow.

“Finn, that’s--” you laugh, overwhelmed by relief. “That’s amazing!” It wouldn’t save everyone, but… if you could save a majority--if you could save the children…

“Don’t thank me yet,” he says seriously. “You’re going to have to head all the way up to the bridge and initiate it from Hux’s personal office from there. If you want to give people enough time to evacuate, you’re gonna have to  _ run _ .”

“I’ll do it,” you say, breathlessly, and throw your arms around Finn’s neck to hug him tightly. “ _ Thank you _ for coming back,” you whisper in his ear. “After you take down the shields, find Rey. Keep her safe for me,  _ please _ .”

He pats your back and squeezes you before pulling away. “That’s the whole reason I’m here,” he chuckles. But the smile melts again. “What about you, though? How are you going to get out? We could wait for you, but…”

“Don’t worry about me,” you assure him, thinking of Kylo’s black shuttle and the equal amount of determination to not leave here without him. “I’ll figure something out.”

Finn nods and takes a step back. You turn to Han next, unsure how you feel about seeing him and unsure if those feelings are even your own. You swallow around a lump in your throat and say, “H-Han…”

“I know,” he curls his lip with a grin. “Go on. Do what you gotta do, kid.”

You take a step to leave the alcove, but something holds you back. In this moment, in this lighting, Han resembles your father so closely that suddenly you’re blinking back tears. Something about his paternal energy overwhelms you, and before you know it you’re throwing your arms around his neck, too. 

He goes completely stiff in your arms, grunting sharply at the impact of your body. Very awkwardly he lifts an arm to hug you back while still holding his blaster against Phasma’s head. “Shit… c’mon kid,” he laughs awkwardly. “This isn’t  _ goodbye _ or anything…”

“I know,” you reluctantly pull away and step back, rubbing your eyes with borrowed sleeves. “I just… I just felt like if I didn’t do that right now, I would regret it.”

Han makes a face, but he doesn’t argue with your  _ feelings _ . You give him and Finn a watery smile each, and then turn to Chewbacca. “I owe you a hug, too.”

He growls, a loud order to “hurry your ass up already, we can’t hold this lady hostage forever.” 

You laugh, hug Finn one last time, and once again return to your task of finding the bridge. Meeting up with Kylo again would just have to wait a little while longer.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I'm sorry for a later update than intended, I had to deal with some house-sitting for a family member and also my basement unexpectedly flooding. Not a fun experience at all, yuck. But hopefully now that those things are out of the way, updates can resume at the usual pace. Thank you all for your patience!

You almost find it ironic how much time you’re wasting just trying to find your way through this gargantuan base. In conversation, your plan had felt foolproof: get to the bridge, find General Hux’s personal office, and initiate the non-essential personnel evacuation. You were filled with so much righteous determination when you left Finn, Han, and Chewie to deal with the planetary shields with Captain Phasma, you felt like absolutely nothing on this base would be able to stand in your way. 

And it’s true. Nothing is standing in your way. 

It’s more accurate to say it’s  _ all _ the nothing that’s standing in your way. 

The hallways between different sections of the base are all much longer than they should be, as if the starkilling weapon had been built first and the rest of the base had been slotted into any open space left available. No matter how fast you hurry down each one, it feels like you’re hardly any closer to your goal, and you have no idea how to truly gauge just how much time you actually have left. 

It’s hard to keep your frustration from getting the best of you, but you’re managing it as best as you can. 

_ Kylo, _ you think, trying to keep from sounding too desperate, all but mentally knocking on the wall he placed between you.  _ I could really use some help here… _

You wait, listening as hard as you can, but he doesn’t answer you. Dread is prickling in the pit of your stomach. Something is definitely wrong with him, but you can’t do anything about it now. If he can’t help you, you’re on your own with this. 

_ That’s not true, _ Rey whispers, fading in slowly as if she’s tuning a radio signal.  _ I’m still here. _

_ I know you are, _ you assure her, letting her light nuzzle against you.  _ I just don’t think you’d be able to help me right now. _

_ What do you need? _

It’s almost embarrassing to admit, but…  _ I’m lost. And we’re running out of time. _

_ Running out of time until what? _

You can’t take the time to truly explain while peeking around corners and ducking into alcoves to avoid passing patrols. Instead, you call up a series of memories and feed them to Rey over the connection. Hux’s threat towards the Resistance planet, then finding Han and Finn and Chewie and finding out that the Resistance is coming to blow up the Starkiller before it can fire, and how Finn gave you the idea to evacuate the planet. She follows along, sifting through your memories like sand until you feel one image hit her harder than the others. 

The image of Finn hugging you flashes before your eyes and it hits you like a physical blow. Rey gasps inside your mind, and you have to blink away her tears before they blind you. 

_ Finn, _ her mental voice chokes.  _ H-he… he’s here? _

_ He’s here, and he’s looking for you, _ you tell her.  _ They’re heading towards the shield generator controls. If I knew where that was, I’d point you in that direction. Knowing Han, just head in the direction of blaster fire. _

Her teary giggle bubbles through your mind.  _ Wh-what about you? _

_ I’ve still got a job to do, _ you duck into another alcove and turn the collar of the General’s coat up against your cheek to hide your face. A squad of stormtroopers stomp past you, their boots heavy on the durasteel floors.  _ And I’m not sure how much time I have left to find the bridge. Plus Kylo isn’t answering me, and I don’t know what’s wrong with him! _

_ W-well... while I don’t think I’d be much help with him, _ Rey is quick to compose herself and think.  _ But… most if not all First Order ships and bases I’ve seen tend to follow the exact building aesthetics of the Empire. All of those ships had their bridges at the highest point--maybe since this weapon of theirs is outside and most of the base is underground… the same thing applies here? _

It isn’t the worst suggestion. ‘Keep going up’ until you find where you need to go isn’t exactly a plan, but it’s better than nothing. Still… there has to be  _ some _ way for you to orient yourself. Without Kylo’s help, your next best bet is to try and find a map or something. If only you could just ask for directions…

_ Maybe you can. _

You frown,  _ Rey, these people are more likely to shoot me on sight than have an actual conversation with me! I can’t just ask-- _

_ Of course not-- _ how interesting to know that you can feel Rey rolling her eyes.  _ That’s not what I mean! Just--I don’t know, do what Kylo Ren did on Takodana! With the map to Luke! _

You pause to consider. That… isn’t terrible advice, actually. You had shared other skills with Rey and Kylo before now, unaware and unintentionally, so how hard could it be to tap into that knowledge on purpose? Kylo had the training, and you have the power… so why not? 

You look back and forth down the corridor you’ve stopped in, listening intently for the sound of footsteps. You stay in the shadows until finally you spy a single officer walking in your direction, her head down and focused intently on the datapad in her hands. 

You slip in front of her. “Excuse me—“

She doesn’t look up. She side-steps you like you’re trash on the floor and keeps walking. 

“Hey!” You snap after her. Damn, if everyone on this base is so distracted why did you even bother hiding this long? Why did you even go through the effort of erasing all those memories? These people are so… so  _ arrogant _ and self-entitled that you can stand here wearing part of their General’s uniform and they don’t even  _ look _ at you!

“Wait!” Your annoyance flares as the woman doesn’t stop when you call out a second time. “Stop!” An ember sparks a roar and your hand shoots out—“ _ I am  _ **_talking_ ** _ to you!” _

She freezes. Literally mid-step, her weight partially shifted from one foot to another, balanced on her toes almost like a dancer. Shocked, you can only blink before looking down at your hand as if the lines of your palm hold the answers to how you managed to do that so easily. 

You huff a short half-laugh, and look up at the officer you’ve caught. She doesn’t look particularly out of the ordinary for a human, with copper skin and mud-brown hair. Her dark eyes are wide and wild when you cross in front of her again, this time having no trouble immediately zeroing in on your face. You laugh nervously again, “I guess… that’s one way to get someone’s attention…” 

If you were being honest with yourself, it actually feels kind of satisfying. This First Order officer didn’t even spare a single glance at you, too busy working with their plans for a whole system-wide slaughter. But now you’ve got her caught helplessly before you, and she can’t ignore you any more. 

“Now that you’re  _ listening, _ ” you begin, allowing just a little of your satisfaction at her terrified expression to leak into your voice. “I was hoping you could give me some  _ directions. _ ”

In the back of your mind, there’s a little tiny voice whispering that perhaps you’re going a little too far. You don’t know what’s come over you, but you’re too excited by your growing powers to really care. How much of it is Rey’s raw strength and how much of it is Kylo’s tempered skill is beyond you, but the power is at your fingertips right now. 

_ Besides, _ you reason with yourself. You just spent so much time and effort sneaking around through this frozen Hell of a base, and the way this woman just boldly ignored you means that it probably didn’t even matter. So who cares if you make a bit of an impact now? 

The woman trembles in place before you, struggling against your hold in the force. She grunts through her teeth. Can she breathe? You frown, deciding to make this quick. “Show me how to get to the Starkiller control room.”

She glares at you. Of course she’s not going to answer, idiot! Pursing your lips, you focus a little more on the center of the woman’s forehead instead of her eyes. You imagine her like an open book, with loose pages for you to flip through at your leisure. Your question thankfully brings forth her memories, and you chart a path for yourself by patching several of them together into one long chain. 

“Got it,” you pull back and abruptly let the woman go. 

Immediately she collapses to the floor, crumbling like a doll. You stumble back as she wheezes and chokes on her hands and knees, desperately gasping for air.  _ Shit _ , you had  _ not _ wanted to do that! 

“S-shit--I’m sorry—“ you reach down to try and help her up but she flails and smacks your hands away. 

“Y-you… rebel Jedi  _ scum _ —“ She snarls, clutching her throat as she wheezes. “We will wipe your  _ filth _ out of the Galaxy! General Hux will cut you down like the  _ dogs _ you are—“

You dart out of her field of vision and yank the memory of the last minute out of her thoughts. Her vitriol cuts off and she blinks into the open air a few times, turning this way and that in dazed confusion. She shakes her head and picks up her dropped datapad before slowly getting back to her feet. 

You watch as she goes until she vanishes around a corner. Something ugly and hard to swallow curls up in your throat but you force yourself to push it down. What you have just done was  _ wrong _ , you know that. But it had been  _ necessary _ . Who knows how long it would have taken you to figure out how to make it to Hux’s office without stealing the knowledge? 

Turning up your collar again, you turn in the direction you had charted for yourself out of the woman’s memories, following it like it’s your own. You wonder if you should feel bad for the woman. She had been so  _ scared  _ of you… but then she had been so  _ angry _ , so determined to kill you and the Resistance. 

But at the same time, you wonder if you should really waste precious time being guilty about it. While what you just did certainly violates a few of your moral beliefs, you wouldn’t have done it at all if you weren’t desperate. You definitely hadn’t wanted to hurt the woman, but she had ignored you! Despite reluctance, you can’t bring yourself to regret it. These people are actively about to attempt planetary genocide, after all.

And she called you scum. Worst still, she called you a Jedi. They might be an order of monsters, but they are still people. You’ll save them, but you’re still going to make sure to blow this affront against nature all the way to Kingdom Come.

\--x--

You… have no words for the sight before you. 

The higher you climbed through Starkiller base on your way to the command deck, the colder the air had become. Every breath is an opaque cloud on your lips as you go, shivers beginning to wrack your whole body. You wonder if you’re ever going to make it all the way to the surface when you come to the top of a final staircase and spot the first glint of natural sunlight for the first time since you arrived. 

Only it isn’t sunlight… not exactly. 

It  _ is _ sunlight, glinting through the tall transparisteel windows that overlook the mouth of the superweapon, but it isn’t the sun you’re looking at. What could only be described as a beam of solar energy is being cast down through the clouds from the massive star that the base orbits, steadily being swallowed by the gaping maw of the superweapon. You knew the weapon took and redirected the power of the sun, but you couldn’t have truly  _ fathomed _ what that really meant. 

The  _ scale _ of what you’re seeing is so dizzying you have trouble truly wrapping your mind around it. The opening has to be hundreds of miles away from where you’re standing, but you can see everything that’s happening so clearly it might as well be laying at your feet. 

You need to keep moving but the sight before you is holding you transfixed. It would almost be beautifu...l if you didn’t know what’s currently at stake. Your whole chest clenches tightly. You can’t… it’s just so… so…

“It’s incredible, isn’t it?”

You turn slowly, woodenly, to your right.

A man is standing beside you at the window. You hadn’t noticed his approach at all. His black uniform is even more pressed and tailored than that of the female officer you encountered just minutes before. His hands are clasped tightly behind his back, uniform hat just partially obscuring his eyes. Eyes that glint colder than the air swirling around you.

You avert your gaze back to the window. “It’s… definitely… something.”

“I can tell from your tone of voice that this is the first time you’ve seen it charge,” the man says easily, as if you’re simply having a casual conversation about the weather. “You should consider yourself lucky. Not many will ever have the same opportunity to experience this.”

You don’t respond, trying to keep your face and your emotions as calm as possible. If you don’t, you’re sure you’ll begin to hyperventilate.

“To think…” he chuckles darkly. “In just a few moments’ time… we will eliminate the Resistance once and for all, and finally bring about a new era of the First Order.”

“You…” your hands curl into fists at your sides. “You’ll be slaughtering millions…”

The man gives you an odd look. “Of course,” he says like you’re an idiot. “Sympathizers of the Republic and the Resistance must be dealt with swiftly and without mercy. This is the only way to ensure a prosperous future for the First Order and the galaxy as a whole. What is the worth of a few planets on the Outer Rim that barely have functioning culture, let alone an economy, when we will have the entire galaxy? Don’t be a fool. This,” he smiles at the glowing beam of sunlight. “This is the final stroke to end the war.”

Your hands are shaking. Your palms burn where your fingernails are sinking into the soft skin. You taste blood on your tongue and your gaze is starting to waver from how hard you’re clenching your teeth. 

You had let the woman from before continue on her way because you had assumed you scared her so badly she lashed out at you in self-defence. But this man… this man is not scared, or angry, or anything. He is  _ excited. _ He came to this window to watch as the superweapon charges and eventually fires because he wants to  _ celebrate _ it. This man, and that woman, and probably countless others on this base are all working together flawlessly to pull off the second largest act of interstellar slaughter that the galaxy has ever seen. 

And you, the bleeding heart beacon of hope you are, actually want to  _ save them? _

It isn’t worth it. All the effort, all this energy… all of it will be  _ wasted _ on people like this man. He doesn’t care what happens to the other planets in the D’Qar system, only that the Resistance is wiped out, and you doubt many others will either. But…

You remember the classroom. 

It isn’t worth it. Not by a long shot. Not while the First Order is still a thriving cancer on the galaxy as a whole… but you still can’t bring yourself to walk away. It would be so easy to leave this man to his own devices and let him go, let the Resistance destroy the central oscillator, let the crust of the ice planet crumble and explode under the power of a sun it can no longer contain. 

But you can’t.

Your hands slowly relax at your side. An odd sense of peace washes over you. “You’re right,” you say finally. 

The man smirks and nods. “Of course. I’m glad to hear it. I certainly wouldn’t want to have to report any form of insubordination to your superiors--”

“I am a fool.”

You thrust your hand forward. 

The man’s skull smashes into the transparisteel window with enough force that it leaves a small crack, barely perceptible underneath the sudden large and bright red bloom of blood. You let the man drop, his crushed skull now bleeding profusely onto the black polished floor. Bits of brain matter and pieces of bone are sticking to the window, changing the color of the yellow-white sunlight into an evil glowing red where it meets the charging superweapon. 

_ The Twi'lek. The Mandalorian. The three stormtroopers. Hux--unconscious. You should have killed him, too. _

Another body on the pile.

You are still going to initiate the evacuation. That hasn’t changed. 

But if some people don’t make it out in the end… you suppose that wouldn’t be a bad thing.

\--X--

General Hux’s office is the most lavish and sparsely decorated space you have ever seen. 

Slipping through the command center had been laughably easy. Everyone was so distracted by the preparations for the weapon that no one looked up as you walked past, despite you very obviously looking like you did not belong there at all. You wonder if anyone even noticed that you escaped from the interrogation room, but perhaps Kylo has been stonewalling them the same way he’s stonewalling you right now. Plausible deniability--if he doesn’t know where you are, he can’t help them find you. 

Regardless, he’s still silent in your mind and Rey is distracted, so you’re left to your own devices as you slip soundlessly through the door into Hux’s office. The whole room is colored with various shades of black and grey, leaving you to think for a split second that you’ve gone colorblind. You pass by a large plush set of leather sofas set to frame an empty black coffee table, likely a place for the General to address officers or other commanders that he wants to impress. Behind that sitting area, against the far wall with a tall chair backed against a large window overlooking the ice-covered landscape and the charging superweapon beyond, is a wide black desk polished to a mirror shine. 

You ignore the sight this time to avoid your stomach churning, and instead drop yourself down into the seat at the desk. Instantly, the mirror top flares to life. A message pops up before you as a holo screen, prompting you for a password. You flash Hux’s access key across the desk--and it actually works. Maps and charts and diagrams flash before your eyes one by one, plans that the Resistance would  _ kill _ to have access to. You curse yourself for leaving the datapad Han gave you on the  _ Millennium Falcon _ when you left to meet Maz Kanata. It would have been so  _ easy _ to download everything you’re seeing right now.

Still, you make a point to at least skim over everything you see as you search for the program that will initiate the evacuation. Maybe, if necessary, Kylo would be able to look through your mind again to find something down the line. 

Your eyes just skim over something to do with the original Empire’s devotion to the Sith when you finally catch what you’re looking for. You wave away all the other files and bring up the program, a series of commands that would shut down heat control to the lower parts of the base. Perhaps you could initiate that shutdown at the same time as the evacuation and fake a malfunction with the ventilation system? Yes, that would be perfect. 

Grinning to yourself, you type and swipe as frantically as you can. Just before you can initiate your little plan, a notification pops up. There’s a problem with the planet’s shields, it tells you. They’ve suddenly deactivated with Captain Phasma’s access code, and it wants to know if it can be trusted. 

You grin and hit ‘trust’.  _ Good work, guys! _

You wave away the notification, back to the task at hand, and a big blinking “initiate y/n?” shines in your eyes. 

“Yes, please, and thank you,” you hit ‘yes’.

Nothing happens in the next few seconds, at least in the office, so you just have to trust that it’s working. Nodding to yourself, you begin the process of closing out of everything you poked around in just to cover your tracks. You push back from the desk and get to your feet--

\--just in time for the door to hiss open. 

You suck in a sharp breath and yank out your stolen blaster-- _ how many more bodies today?-- _ ready to make up for leaving Hux alive. You click the safety off as the figure comes in out of the shadows--

A black mask inset with silver glints in the low light. He stops in the doorway. “ _ There _ you are!” he almost growls. 

Your breath leaves you in one long gust as relief overtakes your system. “Kylo!”

You all but vault over the table and race across the office to him. He opens one arm, but nearly stumbles when you crash into him. Clearly, he hadn’t expected you to throw yourself at him so abruptly. “What are you--”

“I was worried!” You pull away and glare up at his mask, imagining his face behind it. “You just-- stopped answering me out of nowhere and wouldn’t tell me what was wrong! What  _ happened _ , Kylo? Are you okay?!”

“I…” the wall hasn’t shaken, and you can’t see his face, but his voice sounds unsure. “I’m sorry. Something has happened.” He takes a deep breath. “Han Solo is on the base.”

There’s a heavy weight to the tone of his voice. You can feel it in the way his whole body is tense and coiled, ready to fight at a second’s notice. But without the access you normally have to his innermost thoughts, the reason is lost to you. You frown up at him, one hand curling into his sleeve. “I know,” you murmur, and his head turns to you sharply. 

“You  _ know? _ ” he asks. 

“Yes,” you tighten your hold on his arm. “I saw him before I came here. They’re…” You pause, consider, and then sigh. “They’re shutting down the base’s shields.”

“ _ What?! _ ” 

“Kylo--” you keep him in place by the hold you have on his sleeve. Even without being able to sense his emotions you know he’s furious. “They’re here to stop the First Order from blowing up the Resistance by destroying Starkiller Base.”

His heavy breaths are distorted by the vocalizer, reminding you of the stories you’ve been told of Darth Vader when you were a child. “How could you--” Kylo takes another harsh breath. “Why didn’t you  _ tell me _ ?”

“How could I?!” you toss your hands in the air. “You blocked me out! I didn’t even know you were coming in--I almost shot you!”

Kylo shakes his head, still angry, but moving past that now. “Why are you even  _ in _ here?” he demands to know. “I only came here to find out if Hux knew anything about where you and Rey might be.”

_ I found Finn!  _ Rey chimes in to inform you, sounding teary and relieved and so excited you might cry from her emotions. You shake the feeling off. “Rey’s all right,” you tell Kylo. “She’s with Finn and Han, and Chewie too.” You ignore the odd noise he makes and continue, “I’m here because Finn gave me the idea to evacuate all the non-essential personnel from the base before it’s too late, and I could only do that from Hux’s office.”

Kylo stares at you. “But how did you even get inside…”

“Oh,” you laugh nervously. “Well, when I knocked Hux out before, I stole his coat. One because it’s cold as  _ shit _ on this stupid base, and two because it would make a better disguise than anything else I had on hand. It also had his access key in the pocket, so I was able to get into pretty much anywhere on the whole base. Although it was  _ really hard _ to find my way here without your help, by the way. I ended up having to steal the memory of some poor officer I happened to cross paths with--”

Kylo seizes you by the arm and pulls you forward. You stumble into his chest as he wraps both arms around you, holding you tight in his embrace for several long moments. If you weren’t so shocked by the action, you might relax into him. “Kylo?” you manage to say after the stretch of another few seconds. “What is it? Why won’t you let me in?”

He shakes his head. “There’s no time. Come with me. Please.”

You wrap your arms around his back and squeeze. “Okay.”

Eventually, Kylo lets you go and you leave Hux’s office together. You play the part of a disgruntled caught prisoner for the benefit of the officers and technicians in the command center, but they’re still too busy with preparations and also an unexpected malfunction down in the personal domestic quarters lower on the base (ha ha ha). 

Your progress is only halted when Kylo leads you back over to the stairwell you originally took to get here, only to find the officer you killed still laying under the bloody window with a squad of stormtroopers around him. 

Kylo stops at the sight. You stop too, shocked still by what you have done. What  _ you _ have done. The crushed skull and the splotch of blood-- _ you _ did that. Why? It had made so much sense at the time? Why did you do that? Why did you crush the skull of this random officer you didn’t know when you couldn’t shoot General Hux in the back of the head?!

Kylo whispers your name and you turn to him, stricken and speechless. His voice is unreadable. “Did you do this?” he asks quietly, out of earshot of the stormtroopers.

You can only nod, a single quick bob of your head. You swallow thickly, horrified by your own actions now that you’re seeing it from a different angle. “Are you…” you stop and try again. “Are you angry with me?”

It would make sense if he is. This was one of Kylo’s men after all, one of the people he’s been working with for who knows how long. By all accounts, Kylo should be furious with you. For helping Han, Finn, and Chewie, for not telling him about the incoming Resistance forces, for not warning him about the imminent destruction of his base.

But you feel just the faintest trickle of fondness through a small crack in the wall he’s holding between you.  _ No, _ his voice drifts over like a weak breeze.  _ I’m proud of you. _

He takes you by the wrist and pulls you to an elevator. When the doors slide open, there’s another group of stormtroopers standing there that all jerk to attention at the sight of Kylo Ren. “Troopers, with me,” he orders them gruffly before stepping inside, planting you right next to him. “There’s a problem with the oscillator, and intruders that need to be dealt with.”

Kylo’s presence is a balm against your nerves, and by all accounts everything with the plan has been going swimmingly well. 

So why can’t you shake the feeling that everything is about to go catastrophically wrong?


	14. Chapter 14

_ Whatever you do,  _ Kylo’s voice brushes against the back of your head,  _ Do not leave my side. _

It takes all of your effort to force yourself to nod slightly as the dozen or so stormtroopers that followed Kylo from the bridge fan out into the gargantuan oscillation chamber. If you had thought the room where Kylo and Hux had spoken with the Supreme Leader was gigantic, this room completely dwarfs it. Calling this space a room is such a horrible understatement that you can’t even come up with the proper words to describe it, even to yourself. Machinery and pipes and cables as thick around as Kylo’s broad shoulders line the walls, with catwalks and elevated walkways crossing back and forth for at least a mile up above your head. In the center of the hexagonal chamber is an empty pit, stretching down even lower into the planet’s crust than before. It’s an absolutely dizzying sight, even more of a reminder of just how massive and deadly the Starkiller Base actually is.

Kylo stalks slowly across the ground level walkway of the chamber, each step appearing to be carefully calculated as he swivels his head back and forth. Somewhere in this giant room are your friends, doing their part to destroy this base for the good of the galaxy, and here you are, walking alongside a man who is trying to stop them. 

Kylo turns his head back towards you and nods slightly to the left, indicating to you that you should follow him. You obey for lack of a better plan, feeling as if you’re trying to wade through thick water.

Every inch of your skin is crawling with a terrible ghost itch. Something deep inside your bones is trying to rattle a warning up to you but you can’t place it. Your mind is in several different places, worrying about the people evacuating and worrying about what you’ll do if you have to play mediator between Finn and Han and Kylo and a bunch of stormtroopers…

_ The nameless twi’lek in the corridor and the mandalorian’s helmet and the red splotch on the cracked window and your blaster pointed at General Hux’s head--how many more bodies will you add to the pile before this job is over? _

You try to breathe but it clouds in your chest and threatens to choke you. The air is cold and dry, wind billowing out of that chasm in the center of the oscillator. If you listen hard enough, you can almost hear it whispering to you  _ turn around, take your loved ones and turn around, now, while you still can. _

It’s the worst bad feeling about any situation that you’ve ever had. Worse than the rathtar job, even. You slide closer to Kylo and try to find some sense of comfort in his presence, but he’s not paying any attention to you. He’s searching the catwalks single-mindedly, a jungle cat on the prowl. Something in him has shifted, made him dangerous, and you wish you could understand why. The wall is as strong as ever, not wavering even slightly. 

“Kylo,” you whisper finally, trying not to shudder as an inky cloud of trepidation slowly passes over the two of you. He doesn’t look your way but he does stop, his masked face still turned upwards. You reach out with tentative fingers and brush them against the inside of his wrist. That small touch is enough to finally prompt him to look at you, impassive behind the silver ridges reflecting the red emergency lights that line the walkway. 

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. Above you, the stormtroopers are still swarming the upper levels of the oscillator, definitely out of earshot but you still keep your voice low. “Kylo, what’s going on?”

It’s odd to see a man so tall and imposing as Kylo wince, but he does. Barely perceptible but you’ve been watching him closely since he first appeared before you, so you can easily tell that he’s trying to hide something from you. It rubs against a raw place inside your chest. After so many years, after everything he said about searching and longing and desperately trying to find you, how could he be holding you at arm’s length now? 

“Please,” you lean a little closer, moving from brushing against his wrist to sliding your palm boldly against the black leather covering his. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”

He shakes his head, once. His hand squeezes yours, once. “I can’t,” he says hoarsely.

You grip him tighter. “You don’t have to stay here,” you insist, almost hissing in your attempt to keep your voice quiet. “Let’s just… leave. We’ve done everything we can do. We can go find Rey, and then we’ll all go back to the  _ Millennium Falcon  _ and--”

Kylo yanks free of your grip. Harsh and sudden, your words cut off in surprise as he takes a sharp step forward. “No,” he growls deeply. “We are  _ not  _ leaving. Not until I have dealt with  _ Han Solo _ myself.”

He says Han’s name with a snarl, like it’s a curse that tastes sour against his mouth, like it burns him simply to speak it aloud. You’ve felt this kind of anger, before you knew that it was his. Even with this wall in between you, you can feel how brightly and how bitterly it burns. But why? What could Han have done to Kylo to cause him to react  _ this _ strongly to just the mere mention of the  _ Millennium Falcon _ ? 

“Please,” you try again. “Kylo, what is going on? Why are you shutting me out like this? I thought you said that you wanted us three to stick together?”

“I do,” he agrees, but his tone is dark. “Which is why you are not going to leave my side again. We will abandon the planet when I  _ know _ that Han Solo has been dealt with.”

You give him a face, helpless and frustrated beyond belief, and you see his body language soften just slightly. He brushes the back of his gloved knuckles against your arm. “I…” he takes a deep breath. “I promise I will explain, but… I need you to trust me.” His hand slides down and his fingers wrap around yours again. Squeeze once. “Will you give me that much?”

The icy block lodged in your throat gets harder to swallow around. There’s a pulse in the back of your head that is threatening to grow into another headache. Your sense of intense  _ wrong _ is growing harder to contain, but  _ stars above _ , you want to trust him. You need to trust him.

“Okay,” you say finally. 

Kylo nods once. You feel the tickle of his gratitude before the wall re-solidifies, and then Kylo drops your hand. You stay by his side as he returns to his prowl, slowly slipping back into the role of a predator stalking out prey. You nervously start searching the catwalks above your head as well, hoping that you will be able to find your friends first. You still don’t know what you’ll do when Kylo finds them. From his reaction over Han, you know it isn’t going to be pretty. 

_ Rey, _ you call out in your mind, hoping she’s not about to get caught by the stormtroopers.  _ Rey, where are you? _

_ Outside, _ she replies immediately, in direct contrast to the blank wall of emptiness on the other side of your mind. A phantom shiver travels up your spine from her current situation.  _ Finn and I are trying to get to a higher part of the oscillator so we’re climbing an access ladder--Han had the idea to try and weaken it for the Resistance by blowing up the inside. _

_ Wait… blowing up the inside?? _

_ Yeah! Don’t worry, we’ll get out in time! Where are you? We’ll meet you. _

Ice shoots up your spine.  _ We… we’re inside. We’re inside right now, Rey--please do not tell me you’re about to blow up the fucking occilator right now! _

_ Oh-- _ she pauses for a long moment.  _ No, no, not yet. Han and Chewie are still inside, too. They have the detonator. I’m surprised you haven’t seen them yet. _

You slide your eyes towards Kylo’s back and once again try to swallow around the lump in your throat.  _ Maybe that’s for the best… _

_ What? Why? _

You don’t get the chance to explain. Kylo stops walking beside a long catwalk bridge that spans across the entire open chasm of the oscillator, distinctly lacking any form of handrails. It’s just a long grate of flooring barely wide enough for two people to stand shoulder to shoulder. Your bad feeling is getting worse. 

“Go ahead of me,” Kylo says when he sees the look on your face. 

“Why?” You ask nervously. 

“So I can keep an eye on you.”  _ And catch you if you fall. _

You look out over the bridge again, every ounce of blood in your body turning cold with reluctance and fear you can’t explain. It doesn’t make any sense--you’ve never been scared of heights. A childhood raised in the treetops of Arcadia easily broke any hold that fear would have had on you. But this bridge… every instinct you have ever known is screaming at you not to go. 

But you have to trust Kylo. You  _ need _ to trust Kylo. 

You take a deep breath and start walking. 

It isn’t until you know you could fall to your death that you start to question how capable you are of walking in a straight line. It helps to know that he’s right behind you, so that even if you do somehow slip or misstep he’ll catch you with the Force if his hands aren’t fast enough. Still, you can’t help the feeling of vertigo that tries to take hold.  _ Trust Kylo, trust Kylo. _ He’s right behind you, his footsteps strong and solid.  _ Trust Kylo, trust-- _

“ _ BEN! _ ”

The bellow echoes around the chamber until it doesn’t sound like a human shout. You turn around sharply, watching a dozen stormtroopers up and down the walkways all point their blaster down at the same single point: the man standing on the edge of the bridge where you and Kylo were just a moment ago.

“Han,” you breathe out, caught between your worry and relief. You’re glad he’s all right, but there are a  _ lot _ of blasters pointed at him right now. You take two steps back the other way. “There you--” 

Kylo holds out an arm and stops you. You look up at him, confused. “...Kylo?” you whisper. His body has become tense, a coiled tree trunk of hard muscle standing defiantly between you and Han. 

“Han Solo,” Kylo speaks in a voice that is calmer than his body language. His fists are clenched at his sides, almost shaking. “I have been waiting for this moment for a very long time.”

Across from you, there’s a look on Han’s face that you’ve never seen him wear before. He looks… tired, and desperate, staring across the chasm between him and Kylo with a longing that almost breaks your heart. You look from him to Kylo and back again, trying to read between the lines of what’s happening. Why is Han looking at Kylo like that? Why is Kylo so angry with him? What could possibly have happened between the two of them to cause such a reaction in each other?

Very slowly, Han starts to close the distance. He walks out onto the bridge towards you with calm and deliberate steps, heavy with the weight of the emotions playing across his face. 

Several stories up, a door to an observation deck opens up and spills light down from outside. You blink away from the sudden change, not even having to focus to know that is Rey and Finn before they come to the railing and look down.  _ As long as there’s light, there’s still time. _

Han walks until there’s only about ten feet separating you. He finally looks away from Kylo, only now noticing you now that there’s light being cast on your face. His jaw clenches and he scowls. “Didn’t expect to see you mixed up in this,” he grunts. 

You shrug a little helplessly. 

Han turns back to Kylo, eyes hard. "Take off that mask. You don’t need it.”

Kylo doesn’t move. “What do you expect to see if I do?”

“The face of my  _ son _ .”

It dawns on you slowly. Every puzzle piece collected from what you have seen and learned up until now comes together to form a greater picture that you could not see until you stepped away. You can’t believe you hadn’t added it up before now. Han’s story about Luke’s failed apprentice, how he had known right off the bat about your sensitivity, Hell--even the very fact that the Force led you to him in the first place. It makes so much sense you feel like an idiot for not realizing sooner. Of  _ course _ your headaches would stop once you met the father of the boy you’ve been sensing all your life!

You release a long breath when the realization settles into the base of your stomach. Kylo turns back towards you, just for a moment, before he reaches up and disengages his helmet. When he slides it off his head and his black locks spill out, you know that what Han says is the truth. 

You had thought the reason you recognized Kylo was because you just knew him instinctively because of your connection. But now you see it in a new light--the shape of his eyes, the slope of his nose, the twist of his lips as he scowls, all of it matches with the man you’ve been traveling and living with for the past several weeks. 

Kylo Ren... is Han Solo’s son.

Beside you, you can feel a pressure beginning to grow behind the wall like a stopped-up water pipe. Kylo’s breathing stays even but his face is hard and cold, a mask of ice more impenetrable than his mask. “Your  _ son _ ,” Kylo spits across the cavern. “Is  _ gone. _ He was weak and foolish, like his father, so I  _ destroyed _ him.”

Han shakes his head and takes a step forward, then another, then three. “That’s just what Snoke wants you to believe,” Han says slowly. “But it’s not true. My son is alive.”

“No,” Kylo argues darkly, hands balled up and shaking now despite the evenness of his face. “The Supreme Leader is wise.”

“Snoke is  _ using you _ ,” Han is half a dozen feet away now. “He knows how strong you are, and he’s been manipulating you into following him.”

That has been what you’ve suspected since the beginning, since you figured out that Kylo is a part of the First Order. Even when you were a child you knew the dark presence, while menacing and protective, was not evil. You know he isn’t evil now, that’s the only reason you’re still standing beside him. 

“Listen to me,” just a few more steps and then Han is right in front of Kylo, close enough that he can speak softly and both of you can hear him. “As soon as he gets what he wants, as soon as you’re no longer worth the effort, he’ll crush you under his heel just like everyone else in the galaxy.” Han looks into Kylo’s face and his gaze seems to soften, just a little. “You  _ know _ that it’s true.”

Kylo opens his mouth but no sound comes out. He closes it again, fists still shaking, until you slide your fingers around his wrist and squeeze him gently. Kylo jumps like he forgot you were there, turning down to look at you with wide eyes over his shoulder. “Please,” you whisper to him, opening up wide and pressing down on the wall as hard as you can. “ _ Please _ , Kylo… let’s go. Let’s just go, while we still can. While we still have a chance.” You squeeze even tighter. “We’ll go… we’ll go wherever. We’ll stay together. Just… just…” you look up at Han. He’s staring back, broken and desperate and tired. “Please… just leave with us.  _ Please.  _ Let’s go home.”

Kylo’s facade is cracking. “I--” he swallows and turns his head back around, looking at Han with pain in his eyes. “It’s too late,” he whispers.  _ I’m too far gone. _

“No, it isn’t,” Han insists, taking that last step forward into a small space that only the three of you share. “It is  _ never _ too late, Ben. Not for this. Not to come home.”

Kylo breathes out slowly. The breath shudders in the base of his chest, making a sound that just seems wrong coming out of an imposing figure like him. He turns back to you and you meet his eyes, smiling encouragingly. You’ll drag his dark-coated ass off this planet by his ankles if you have to, drag him back to the  _ Falcon _ with Han and Rey and Finn and Chewie, drag him all the way to wherever Rey wants to go in the universe and  _ never, ever let them go again.  _

The build up inside of him is growing. The wall is threatening to crumble. You can see the indecision in his eyes, the longing and the oh so desperate temptation in his eyes. You see it when he tenses, when his eyes suddenly flick back and forth between you and Han, when his eyes harden and he comes to a decision. 

He turns stiffly back to Han. “Kylo…?” You murmur.

Kylo takes a long breath. “I… I’m being torn apart,” his voice breaks as he speaks to his father, shifting his hand so he can hold yours almost tight enough to hurt. “I want… I want to be free from this pain.” His lower lip wobbles and he looks away, just for a second, and you see tears are beginning to form in his eyes. “And I… I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” He looks up at Han and whispers, “Will you help me?”

“Yes,” Han says immediately, hope blooming on his face. “ _ Anything. _ ”

Kylo nods, and drops his helmet to the floor of the bridge with a metallic  _ clang. _ With his free hand he pulls his lightsaber off his belt and holds it up to Han. 

A ghost of a smile crosses Han’s face. He reaches out and closes his hand around the hilt. Above him, the light shining down from the open door behind Rey and Finn goes dark. You’re all awash in nothing but dim red emergency lights.

The grip Kylo has on your hand has become painful. 

Your time has run out.

You see Han’s face flicker with confusion. He pulls on Kylo’s lightsaber but Kylo does not let go. Kylo takes another deep breath, puts back his shoulders, and let’s go of you. 

_ What’s happening? _ Rey asks.

You don’t have time to scream before the angry red blade of Kylo’s lightsaber erupts out of Han’s back. 

“ _ NO! _ ” You shriek, echoed by Rey and Chewie’s distant howl of agonized fury. Something splinters inside you--your pain or Rey’s or Kylo’s you don’t know, you can’t feel the difference. 

Kylo breathes heavily before you, the length of his body twisting and morphing through the tears that flood your eyes. He leans forward, closer into Han’s face which is frozen in shock and horror and absolute agony. Everything is red, and angry, and burning and painful. 

“Thank you,” Kylo whispers to Han, pulling his lightsaber back and deactivating the blade. 

Han leans against Kylo, lips moving but no sound leaking out. He rests his hand on the side of Kylo’s face. Brushes his thumb across his cheekbone. 

Kylo steps back. Han loses his balance. Tilts to the left. 

Then he’s falling. 

The grate of the bridge bites painfully into your knees when your legs give out. You can hear screaming, somewhere distant, somewhere close, tears blinding you as Han’s body plummets down and vanishes into the abyss. You feel it. You feel the moment when he’s gone, cutting you to the bone and stealing your breath and leaving you reeling. A million deaths had been agony, but you hadn’t known them. This… this feeling is torture.

“What--” you choke on the words when you finally find your voice, looking up slowly because there is no where else to look, nothing else to face. Kylo stands above you, tall with his head held high. As if he didn’t just kill his father, your captain, Rey’s almost-mentor. As if you can’t feel the broken part of him digging into the soft edges of your mind. “What have you done?” You whisper. 

“Come here,” he holds out his hand. 

“What have you  _ done?! _ ” Your fury echoes through the whole oscillator. You want to scream and howl and writhe and fight and  _ kill him for what he’s done _ .

Kylo steps forward and you stumble backwards, getting to your feet as fast and frantic as you can. You trusted him. Every inch of your body and better sense was telling you to run and you didn’t listen because you  _ trusted him! _ And now-- and now-- now… Han is dead.

Han is dead, and it’s Kylo’s fault.

“Please,” Kylo says, voice strangled and desperate. “Just--just listen to me. Come here, let me--”

“No!” You stumble away again. Your mind is a whirlwind, Rey’s thoughts quaking just as violently across your body as his are. “No--stay away from me!”

You’re sobbing now, uncontrollable, hysterical. You never should have let the Force lead you into that cantina. You never should have followed Han to the  _ Eravana. _ You  _ never _ should have let yourself get so close in the first place. 

“Please just--” Kylo stumbles after you and you swat his hands away, desperate to keep him at a distance. “Stop--” he growls when you wrench your hand away from his reach. “ _ You’re going to fall! _ ”

“Maybe that’s a  _ good thing _ \--”

Your foot slips through open air. You gasp as your body over balances, tilting backwards. For one blood-chilling second, your body is completely weightless. 

Kylo throws his hand out and seizes you in mid-air. With one sharp movement he yanks you forward again, back onto the catwalk and straight into his arms. You fight it, you do, but his arms are too strong and his body is too familiar to resist. You sob and scream into his chest, but Kylo just holds you tight and strokes your hair.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers when your screaming quiets down. “You--I had to choose, do you understand? My master--he felt what was happening. He made me choose. I had to choose!” He buries his face into your hair. “Only one of you could leave, I could only take one of you with me and I couldn’t--I couldn’t--I can’t lose you, not now that I’ve found you after all this time!”

You beat his chest with his fist and you force him back far enough that you can look up into his eyes. “I’m not worth this!” You snarl at him through your tears. “How could you--how can you still feel  _ loyal _ to a man who forced you to  _ murder _ your own  _ father?! _ ”

“I have renounced Han Solo and the name he gave me years ago,” Kylo says gravely. “But you… the darkness inside me has always been there. Around me. Inside me. Watching over my every move.” He tucks you in close again, cradling you, caressing you with hands that have been stained with blood. “But then you… you appeared, and you were the only thing I have ever had that hasn’t been touched by the anger, by the fear, by the hate.” He shakes his head hard. “I cannot lose you. I can’t. I  _ won’t. _ I swear, I will never let anyone take either of you away from me, not now.”

Kylo takes your face in your hand and tilts your face up. His lips press warmly against your hairline, tender and soft. 

“ _ Never, _ ” he promises, and the whole wall of machinery and piping behind you explodes. Fire roars through the oscillation chamber, flooding everything with heat and smoke and sending the stormtroopers scattering. You close your eyes against Kylo’s chest, shielded from the flames, and try to figure out what the absolute  _ fuck _ you’re going to do now.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! First things first, I would just like to say that I'm sorry for the wait. The current global situation is a very difficult time to live with, and I hope everyone and their family is doing well and staying safe. The unfortunate side effect of the situation has actually left me more busy than before, but I've been able to pick away at my progress with this chapter when I could find the time. As for me, I am still healthy and my family is as well, and I hope that I can bring some amount of light and entertainment to you all in these trying times.  
> Stay safe, wash your hands, and may the Force be with you!

Fire.

Black smoke stings your lungs. Every breath burns in your chest. You can barely see, but Kylo’s iron grip on your wrist keeps you grounded, keeps you from floating away from your body and falling into the cooling pit of the oscillator. 

A thousand voices are ringing inside your skull. Or maybe it’s only three, echoing over each other as they scream out their agony, regret, and fury. Where do they end? Where do you begin? 

Orange glows up the oscillation chamber wall. Burning duraplast tastes sour in the back of your throat. The air blowing out of the cooling pit feels ice-cold in comparison to the heat on your face. 

\-- _ Kylo’s lightsaber erupting out of Han’s back-- _

“Stay with me,” Kylo calls over the roaring of the fire, over the shrieking in your mind, over the sounds of ion engines in the distance, over more explosions and blaster fire and screams. 

You stumble over your boots as Kylo drags you along, through the fire and the smoke.  _ Stay with me, _ he says into the din, trying to be louder than the voices.  _ Stay with me, now, come on! _

\-- _ killed him you killed him how could you Han is dead you killed him I killed him I did it you killed him why why  _ **_why WHY_ ** _ \-- _

The stormtroopers are gone. Scattered by the blast. You and Kylo are alone as he drags you towards a set of blast doors that lead outside. You only know you’ve left the building when the burning heat bleeds into a blinding cold that scalds your skin even worse than the flames. A full-body shudder rolls through you as Kylo bursts out into the snow. 

The sun has gone out, the beam of light that was charging the superweapon now completely gone. But the sky is not dark or silent--TIE fighters and X-wings criss-cross through the dense clouds of a building snowstorm, blasters firing in all directions like cracks of lightning. 

You can only stare at the chaos, numb to the sight as the bitter cold wind easily slices through Hux’s thin coat. Between the blasters, between the lines of the battlezone, you see shuttles disembarking for the atmosphere. The evacuation plan had worked--but you don’t feel quite as happy about that as you should be. 

Kylo’s face appears before you, pale and worried, hair flying wild around his head. He says your name, takes your arms in his hands and shakes you, gentle but firm. “Look at me,” he says urgently. “Come on, look at me.”

You focus. Through the screaming, the blasters, the thunder and the wind, you focus on his face again. Fury fit for three individuals boils your blood into a frenzy. “You  _ killed _ him!” you snarl. 

Kylo grimaces deeply. “I did,” he says gravely. 

“Why?!”

“You  _ know _ why.”

A Pyrrhic choice, forced upon him by a cruel master that didn’t care what he chose either way, just that Kylo obeyed an order to kill. He chose you, because of course he would, you’ve already seen what he is willing to sacrifice to keep you safe. But now you know the extent of his desire to protect you--and worse, so does the Supreme Leader. 

“Listen to me,” Kylo holds your face carefully in his gloved hands. “We need to find Rey. We need to stay together. Do you know which way she went?”

You swallow. Close your eyes and shake your head. “You can’t sense her?”

“She’s blocking me out,” Kylo grunts. You can’t imagine why. 

You swallow another large gulp of ice-cold air and close your eyes. Over the screaming and the anger and the numbness you find your voice and reach out to the glowing white on your periphery, flickering with every volatile emotion rippling through the three of you.  _ Rey, _ you call out to her.  _ Rey, where are you? Where did you go? _

Fury. White-hot and snarling, Rey does not respond to you in words. Her emotions lash against you violently and you try not to recoil but you can’t help it. Everything is too much. 

Kylo grabs your wrist again and holds you tight. His palm is warm through his glove, but the touch does not bring you the same comfort as it did before. “This way,” he calls over the howling of the wind as the snow begins to fall more heavily. “I can sense her. Quick, before they get away!”

You let him drag you. One foot after another, stumbling through the snow and the darkness. Blurry shapes come into focus as trees, quickly swallowing you with their ice-coated branches. Within the forest, the howling of the wind quiets slightly, and even the roaring of ion engines and cannons grows distant. 

The pull in your chest, the tiny magnetic field of the Force constantly keeping you tethered to Kylo and Rey pulls taught. You gasp and stumble as you feel it  _ rend _ inside of you, yanking you forward with an almost physical energy. Kylo turns to look at you, surprised, and then he flinches and recoils, dropping your wrist to take a quick step back. 

A second later, Rey appears from between the trees with Finn at her side. Her teeth are bared fiercely, expression almost animalistic in anger, all of it pointed mercilessly at Kylo. 

“Are you all right?” Finn asks first, tone grave and serious. “Did he hurt you?”

“No--” you start to say, bewildered by the question until you remember that Finn doesn’t understand, Finn doesn’t know that Kylo would never hurt you. “N-no, I’m--”

“Get away from her,” Rey snarls next, fists curling and uncurling at her sides. “You  _ monster. _ ”

Kylo stares at her for the length of several long heartbeats. His eyes slowly narrow and his expression hardens, jaw setting. Very deliberately, he slides his eyes towards Finn. “Rey,” Kylo says softly. “Come here.”

“She’s not going anywhere with you!” Finn snaps, his body going on the defensive. “I’m not going to let you hurt anyone else tonight, Ren!”

Kylo’s lip twitches into a sneer. He pulls out his saber. “How exactly do you plan on stopping me,  _ traitor? _ ”

You feel it when Rey loses patience for words. Before you can shout she pulls her blaster, the same little silver one that Han gave her on Takodana, but she doesn’t even get the chance to aim. With a wave of his hand Kylo sends her flying through the air, knocking her straight into a tree. Your heart leaps into your throat when her body drops heavily into the snow, limp and unconscious.

“ _ REY! _ ” You shriek, leaving Kylo to stumble and collapse on your knees at Rey’s side. Panic blinds you as you clutch at her face, turning her upright to be sure she’s still breathing, that she’s okay, that Kylo didn’t just kill someone else you love to protect you. 

You clutch Rey against your chest and almost sob with relief when you feel her soft breath against your neck. Finn drops down a second later, his own panic melting when you smile weakly to reassure him.  _ She’s okay, she’s okay, thank the Stars, she’s okay. _

_ I’m sorry, _ Kylo says, but his tone betrays him. He doesn’t feel sorry.  _ Stay with her. I’m going to finish this. _

“No--” you blurt out, turning past Finn to the black shape approaching him from behind. You stare up into the snow and the wind as Kylo’s red lightsaber ignites above Finn’s head, his face twisted with so much violent fury that he almost doesn’t look human anymore. He thinks Finn is trying to escape with you and Rey, take the both of you away from him. You don’t think he’s wrong. “ _ NO! _ ”

Kylo lifts the blade. 

Finn turns.

Kylo swings downwards.

Finn pulls silver out of his jacket pocket. 

Blue. Blue lights up Finn’s face and Rey’s body and the snow around you and comes bursting out of the lightsaber in Finn’s hand. The blade crashes hard against Kylo’s, startling him fiercely. Finn bellows loudly and shoves, knocking Kylo back several feet. 

Kylo stumbles through the uneven snow-covered ground, staring at Finn with wide disbelieving eyes. “Where did you--” he blurts out sharply. “Where did traitorous  _ scum _ like you find  _ that?! _ ”

You stare at the blade in disbelief too, but for a different reason. You can almost recognize the ridges and buttons, but you can’t be sure in the darkness and the snow in your eyes. “Is that--” you begin breathlessly, unable to bring yourself to finish but Finn understands regardless. 

“Yeah,” he grunts, spreading his feet to ground himself a little better in the snow. “Maz gave it to me. I was holding onto it for Rey, but…”

Of course. Of  _ course. _ You should have known that Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber would not be content to sit abandoned in a dusty storage room underneath a destroyed castle. It had found its way off of Bespin to Takodana with Maz, lying in wait for who knows how many years until you all stumbled up to Maz’s doorstep and it could have its pick of the litter. First it called to Rey, and in her absence, found its way into Finn’s hands. Here, now, in the center of the conflict. Right where it was meant to be. 

“That lightsaber,” Kylo recognizes it too. He spits his words through his teeth, anger coiling up into a dark mass within him. He points his own lightsaber at Finn, barely able to keep the blade level with how badly his fists are shaking. “It belongs to  _ me! _ ”

“Yeah?” Finn spreads his feet into a proper fighting stance. “Then come and get it.”

Kylo’s furious disbelief stings you, his wild eyes shifting back and forth between you and Finn and the image it presents. For whatever anyone’s intentions, Finn is standing Kylo’s way, preventing him from getting to you and Rey. His lip curls upwards and he bares his teeth, an image so close to the very same expression Rey gave him a moment ago that it stuns you. 

Finn digs his heels into the snow, and then he’s charging with a war cry.

“Finn,  _ no! _ ” You try to stop him but it’s too late. Kylo easily blocks Finn’s wild swing and spins his lightsaber around in his hand to lash at Finn, who just barely manages to parry the next blow. Finn pushes through an attempt at an offense when he sees an opening, a swing that’s far too wide, and Kylo blocks that in return easily. 

The obvious fact that Finn is severely outmatched in this battle makes your heart sink. Kylo has had over two decades of training from dedicated Jedi masters and ruthless Sith Lords. He moves like a dancer, all savage grace and relentless strength, and Finn won’t be able to keep up for much longer. 

You have to do something. Fast. 

As Kylo and Finn’s battle steadily moves through the trees with each crackling crash of their lightsabers, you look down at Rey’s face in your arms. With shaking fingers, you tuck back a few strands of her sweat-soaked hair that have come loose from her buns. Very carefully, you lay her down in the snow. “I’ll be right back,” you promise softly. “Wait for me.”

Her thoughts are quiet and she does not respond. You get to your feet and dust off the snow, then run with numb legs after the sound of lightsabers crackling and crashing. 

When you catch up to them, Kylo has backed Finn into a tree. Through brute strength Finn is managing to keep Kylo’s red blade at bay, but there’s nothing he can do about the violently crackling cross guard at the base of the lightsaber. You can’t see his face, but you  _ feel _ Kylo’s furious satisfaction when he turns the hilt of his lightsaber slightly. One end of his cross guard presses down on Finn’s shoulder, burning through his leather jacket until the skin below begins to sizzle and boil. 

The  _ scream _ that bursts out of Finn chills you to the very bone. His face is twisted with agony but Kylo just presses harder, forcing his lightsaber deeper into Finn’s flesh. 

“Stop!” You scream out.  _ Stop  _ **_stop STOP!!_ **

You race towards them and wrap your hands around Kylo’s bicep. His face morphs into shock as you yank on his arm as hard as you can, making him stumble a step backwards. Finn swings his lightsaber with his off-hand, wide and clumsy, and just barely clips the burning blade across Kylo’s right shoulder.

Kylo grunts, snarling like an animal as he recoils and covers the wound with his hand. The open edges of his tunic glow orange as they burn away, and you flinch as you  _ feel _ that pain as if it were your own. “Kylo--” you reach out to him, grabbing his arm again to get his attention. “ _ Please-- _ ”

“Stay out of this!” Kylo snarls at you, shoving you behind him as Finn struggles to keep standing. You can hear his harsh breathing even from half a dozen feet away. 

“This has to stop!” You grab Kylo’s arm again. “Please! We still have a chance—you still have the chance too—“

Finn sprints forward with the last of his strength. He brings the saber up high, blue light shining down on Kylo—and you, standing beside him. His instincts sharpen and his arm thrusts outwards. The Force seizes you by the shoulders and rips you backwards before Finn can land the blow, once again blocked by Kylo’s greater skill. 

Kylo pushes back, swings his saber around and yanks Finn’s out of his hands with the momentum. Kylo punches Finn once in the jaw, knocking him off his balance—

“ **_NO!!_ ** ”

—and slices his saber up the full length of Finn’s back. 

Finn crumples into the snow like a dropped marionette. Silent. 

You sit where you landed when you were thrown, snow slowly sweeping into your clothes as it melts against your body. You stare at Finn, at his body, his  _ body, _ with horror once again threatening to choke you. 

_ Another body on the pile. _

“No…” you whisper. Your throat has gone dry. “Please, no…”

“Are you all right?”

Kylo is still standing there with his lightsaber burning at his side. The red light is glowing steady and bright, washing the side of his face and the area around you in an evil glow. He has never looked so cold, so menacing, so… frightening. 

Despite everything, Kylo winces. “I did this for you,” he tries to justify it, a shadow passing over his face. The light is fading from his eyes. “I promised I’d protect you. Don’t you understand that?”

You thought you did. Now you aren’t sure his protection is worth the cost. 

You look back at Finn’s body, cooling in the snow, and feel as if you aren’t in control when you shift forward and begin to crawl towards him on your hands and knees. The snow bites at the bare skin of your palms but you ignore the pain, and swallow bile when you look down at the wound Kylo left in his wake. The jacket is charred on the edges, the skin below blackened and boiled. Before your eyes, it expands for a moment and then contracts again. 

He’s breathing. 

Finn is  _ alive. _

“Don’t,” Kylo orders you bitterly. He can feel your thoughts even as you cannot follow them. With shaking hands you reach towards the gaping wound, only to freeze in place when your body refuses to obey. 

“I said ‘ _ don’t _ ’!” Kylo snaps, one hand raised to hold you in place. “This traitor got what he deserved for daring to lift a lightsaber against me—he isn’t worth saving!”

You can only stare at Kylo, the other half of your connection, your first friend, a person you know so well and not at all. Everything inside of you is numb. Is that the Force keeping you still, or something worse? 

“He’s my friend,” you say. It’s all you can manage. “He’s… he’s my friend.” That should be enough. Why isn’t that enough?

“He doesn’t  _ deserve  _ your friendship!” Kylo spits, bitter and angry and coming apart at the seams. Killing Han has frayed something inside of him. The threads that were once holding him together are spinning loose before your eyes, leaving you to wonder how much of him is really left. “This  _ traitor _ should be rewarded as a traitor deserves—and  _ you _ should not be on your knees beside him!”

You shake your head, as much as you can, stricken by Kylo’s bestial fury and harsh words. This is not right, you’re sure of it. This is not the Kylo that you know, that you have known, that you have been connected to all your life. It can’t be. 

Can it?

He breathes out slowly through his nose and deactivates his lightsaber. He turns away from you and holds his hand out to the distance, in the direction that Finn’s saber had been thrown. You can just barely see where it has become embedded in the snow, trembling as Kylo tries to pull it towards him. It shakes against the Force, holding fast in its place, and Kylo scowls as he puts more effort into calling it towards him. 

The saber abruptly yanks free of the snow, flying through the air almost too fast for your eyes to follow. It sails end-over-end, straight past Kylo’s outstretched hand--

\--directly into Rey’s.

She’s standing just a dozen feet to your right, thankfully looking no worse for the wear. She stares at the lightsaber now comfortably nestled in the palm of her hand, holding it like it was meant to be there all along. She looks at it like she didn’t expect that the Force would obey her, like she didn’t expect the saber to hear and come to her call. She stares at it, and you feel her disbelief, her wonder, her  _ acceptance. _

“Rey,” Kylo breathes. 

In an instant, the monster he was transforming into has all but melted away. He’s gazing at Rey now like he’s never seen her before, an expression that’s likely mirrored on your own face. He stares at her like he understands, like he knows what this means, like he’s… pleased. 

Rey looks up at him, then at Luke’s lightsaber once more, and she sets her jaw in fierce determination. She holds it up, spreads her feet, and glares at him with all that she’s worth.

Kylo relaxes his shoulders slightly. He turns his eyes down to you, and then up at her again, silence stretching on for several heartbeats. 

“...alright,” he says finally, activating his lightsaber again. “Let’s get it out of your system.”

Rey inhales sharply. Once, twice, three times, and then she ignites blue and leaps into action.

The battle that ensues leaves your mouth dry and your heart hammering loudly in your chest. Rey pushes forward with all of her strength, her light stature and nimble build offering her an additional advantage to her natural talent. Kylo does not attack her so much as he endures her onslaught, parrying each thrust and knocking away every blow as Rey works through her onslaught. He fights her much differently than he fought Finn--almost indulgently, like he’s simply allowing her to work out her anger against him. 

Whatever his intentions, the sight unfolding before you is  _ wrong. _ You knew from the moment they first shared the same air as you that they would spend most of their time in opposition, but to see it on this scale makes an unease bubble in your throat that threatens to choke you. The anger that is boiling off of Rey now, combined with the self-loathing and bitterness coiling inside of Kylo--there is no way this battle is going to end well for either of them. You have to do something, fast, before one or both of them ends up like Finn--

Like Finn.

You look down. 

He’s still lying exactly where he fell. His limbs are relaxed in unconsciousness at odd angles, his face slack despite the angry wound tracing diagonally across his back from waist to shoulder. The sight of his charred skin makes bile rise up your throat, but you swallow it down as best as you can. Turning around to throw up right now won’t help anybody, even if it might make you feel better.

“Okay, okay,” you whisper to yourself and roll up the sleeves on Hux’s coat. “I can do this. I can do this…”

You close your eyes and try to concentrate. The wind howls and slices bitterly through your thin coat, the ion cannons continue to fire as fighters sail over your head, somewhere distant and growing farther and farther away Rey and Kylo continue to fight. 

“Come on,” you say to yourself harshly. “Do it for Finn,  _ come on… _ ”

You try to reach out for his energy in the Force. His flicker is weak, but it’s there, and if you just focus a little bit more--

_ \--you treacherous, lying, murderous, piece of rathtar shit, I  _ **_knew_ ** _ we couldn’t trust you I knew it all along-- _

_ \--you can’t escape me, I won’t let you go, you can fight all you want but it doesn’t change anything, do you even care  _ **_why_ ** _ I did it-- _

_ \--it doesn’t  _ **_matter_ ** _ \-- _

_ \--of  _ **_course_ ** _ it matters-- _

_ \--Kylo-- _

_ \--Rey-- _

_ “ _ **_SHUT UP!!_ ** _ ” _

For once in your shared life, they listen. Their voices, while still echoing in fury as their battle rages on, dim like a radio’s volume turning down. You shake yourself away from the electric tangle of their emotions and focus on the life in front of you, putting all of your strength and attention on Finn now. 

You reach out into the Force, past the shadowed darkness and the glittering light and into that gray-between state of static that has always been there under your conscious thoughts. You reach past the echoes of voices you don’t recognize, past the screams of rage and past the whispers of encouragement, and you seize the burnt edges of Finn’s wound above his spine and steadily begin to stitch him back together. 

It isn’t easy. Sweat beads on your forehead from the effort. You have to put forth as much of your mental energy as you can to keep a firm grip on the swirling energy between you and Finn, holding his life in the delicate balance of your concentration. It may take seconds, it may take minutes. You lose track of yourself and time as you work, until the wound has scabbed over completely and been reduced from a deep third-degree burn into a bad second-degree.

When you let go your brain snaps like the release of a taut rubber-band. You collapse backwards, limp in the snow, and struggle to catch your breath. Exhaustion is creeping black across your vision--you’ve over-extended yourself far too much for comfort today. Has it still only been one day? With the light gone, you can’t tell the passage of time anymore.

The world flickers back into motion around you. Blasters firing, the wind howling, snow landing on your cheeks. Rey and Kylo are nearby, you can still feel them as they fight on. 

You grit your teeth and force more energy to your limbs, willing yourself to get up. This isn’t over yet, you have to stand up just a little bit longer.

As you lift your head, hair flying wild in the wind, a low-flying X-wing sails over you at speeds that nearly knock you over again. Before your eyes, the X-wing makes a perfect B-line for the burning oscillation chamber you had all just left behind--the final resting place of Han Solo.

Tears blur your vision. The X-wing flies straight inside the blown-out wall of the oscillation chamber.

When it flies back out, there’s only a split second between that X-wing vanishing into the distance before the entire building encapsulating the oscillation chamber explodes. 

Fire and smoke billows out and upwards in a giant mushroom cloud towards the atmosphere. The snow under your knees trembles--no, not the snow. The very ground itself tremors and quakes--the crust of the planet now unstable as the oscillator is no longer functioning. 

You knew this was the plan all along, since you met up with Han and Finn and Chewie-- _ Chewie, where did he go, what happened to--focus!-- _ but it’s entirely different to see the chamber go up in smoke, know that the weapon has been critically damaged, and realize that Starkiller Base can no longer support the concentrated energy of an entire sun. 

Another quake rattles your bones. 

Time is running out. Again. 

You hastily scramble to your feet and look at Finn. You can’t just leave him here, but… something is telling you that Rey and Kylo will keep fighting until the planet explodes out from underneath them.

You reach out with shaking hands and very gently stroke the top of Finn’s head. “We’ll be back for you,” you swear, because you are not coming back here without either of them. “I promise.”

With shaking knees you scramble to your feet as the earth gives another powerful quake. You take off as fast as you can into the trees, following the tether that will take you to the other end of your connection. You’re determined this time to stop them, no matter what it takes. 

Or what it may cost.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeahhhhhhh so I don't really have an excuse for why this chapter took so long to get out lol, so I'm not gonna bother making anything up. I hope everyone is still staying safe out there! As always, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy!

You run.

The planet cracks and quakes underneath your boots. Blaster fire explodes above your head. A storm of exploding fighters, First Order and Resistance alike, rolls violently through the atmosphere. Snow and ashes flurry around you. 

And you run. 

Your heartbeat pounds the inside of your ribs, beating you senselessly. The pain, the anguish, it’s all threatening to choke and blind you. But you run, despite it. 

Voices fade in and out. Flickering on the edges of your awareness, overlapping and chasing each other for the last word. 

_ \--horrible, just horrible, can’t let him get away with-- _

_ \--it’s not enough, not enough, stop fighting, stop-- _

_ \--he was-- _

_ \--doesn’t matter now-- _

_ \--did it for her and I’ll do it again-- _

_ Can’t you see what you have done? _

You choke on the tears that streak down your face. You hastily scrape them away and push on, ever forward. You follow a bread-crumb trail of broken tree limbs and sliced tree trunks, some of them still glowing gold from the burn of their lightsabers. They’re easy to track. 

Memories fade in and out, overlays of the voices. 

You see Rey, her sunburned but delicate face. The first time you laid eyes on her, hiding under the floor of the  _ Millennium Falcon. _ “ _ My name is Rey, _ ” she had said, unaware of how she had completely lit up your world with that single word. 

You see the way her face split had split into awed wonder at the first sight of Takodana. Her hand grabbing her wrist when Finn turned away. “ _ Anywhere you want to go, _ ” you had promised her out in the forest of Takodana, your fingers wrapped around her scarred and calloused hands. “ _ Anywhere but back to Jakku. _ ” You still intend on keeping that promise.

You see Kylo, his shadowed but handsome face. The first time you saw him burst into the clearing to violently protect you from the stormtroopers. “ _ I am Kylo Ren,”  _ he had said, comforting your pain with the strength of his darkness. The way he held you so closely, so carefully. 

The way his hands had held your face when he promised to protect you. “ _ I want to understand, _ ” you had wanted to plead, before he left the interrogation room. “ _ Please help me to understand. _ ” You still want to understand. 

They’ll destroy each other if they keep this up. They’re too evenly matched, equivalent and contradictory. You can  _ not _ allow the fighting to continue.

Their voices echo through you as you chase them. Flowing from one to another with no space in between. 

_ \--can’t-- _

_ \--monster- _

_ \--evil-- _

_ \--dead-- _

_ \--power-- _

_ Don’t you realize all of this is your fault? _

You shake your head and push, chasing their battle. You have to stop them. You have to be  _ enough _ to stop them. 

Light through the trees. Red and blue, the crash and sizzle of dual lightsabers locked against one another. 

You burst through the trees into a clearing that has been made recently, by force. You see them, finally, physically, standing before one another with lightsabers pressed together. Blue and red spark and pop. Outside your head, they’re silent. 

It’s a scene straight out of your visions. Rey in her dusty white wrappings, the raw unpolished talent driving the blue light of Luke’s lightsaber--hers, now--in wide arcs of savage fluidity. Kylo is her shadow as well as her perfect opposite, black clothing stark against the snow as his red lightsaber spins around in defense to hold Rey’s attacks at bay. 

“Stop--” the word bubbles out of you, but falls on deaf ears. 

Rey snarls and pushes, and Kylo jumps back, easily dodging her next swing. He blocks the next one, and this time he shoves Rey into stumbling back a few feet. 

Her hair is coming loose from her buns. Chestnut brown tendrils are slicked against her forehead with sweat. She bears her teeth in a harsh snarl and yells, “Monster!”

Kylo’s lips quirk downwards but he doesn’t deny it. He twirls his lightsaber around in his hand and spreads his feet, ready... waiting. 

Why isn’t he fighting back? When he fought Finn, he was the aggressor, attacking first with every step. Now he’s pensive, careful, his expression a severe but shockingly calm mask. When he swings his lightsaber upwards again to deflect Rey’s next attack, the mask cracks with a harsh grimace. Blood splatters across the snow. 

The wound in his shoulder is getting worse. He’s hiding it well but he can’t hide it from you. The pain he feels, inside and out, drifts across you in and out in waves. Is he holding back against Rey because of the wound, or because…?

“Why?!” Rey shouts, over the snow and the wind, the blasters and the explosions, the earthquakes that try to knock you all off your feet. Kylo’s eyes narrow and he presses his lips into a hard line. “Why did you do it?! He was--” she chokes on a sob. “He was your  _ father! _ ”

Kylo shakes his head. Just once. “Han Solo,” his dark voice seems to echo into the night. “Was  _ nothing _ to me. But it didn’t matter who he was.” His eyes slide away from Rey and pin you in place, black and bottomless and cold. “I did it for her, and I’ll do it again.”

He killed Han, for  _ you.  _ Almost killed Finn, for  _ you. _ Those stormtroopers too, he killed them for  _ you.  _ He wants to believe that it was the right choice. He has to believe it, those frayed edges inside of him are still threatening to completely unravel. He’s unbalanced, barely focused, barely holding himself together by convincing himself that everything he’s done up until now has been worth it. 

But that doesn’t mean that Rey is convinced. Not in the slightest.

“That’s not--” Rey’s outrage strangles her voice. “You can’t try to justify it by saying you did it to protect her!”

“Why not?” After everything, he’s so calm it unnerves you. Chills you. His eyes go back to Rey and now she’s the one he’s pinning in place. “After all, wouldn’t  _ you _ do the same?”

“Wh--No!” She sputters, but her denial is quick and fierce. “I would  _ never-- _ ”

You can’t even imagine Rey killing someone for you. Except… except you almost can. If she feels half of what you feel for her, and you know that she does… You had seen how stricken and terrified and angry she had been when Finn had left. If someone came between you and her… like Kylo is doing right now… you can imagine it. 

“No,” Rey insists. “You’re wrong.” She shakes her head wildly and grips her lightsaber so hard her fist is shaking. “You’re  _ wrong! _ ”

She leaps forward, murderous with her intention, a sharp contrast to her words. Kylo tenses and takes several quick steps forward, rushing to meet her. You know, deep down in your bones, that this fight won’t stop until the planet collapses around you all if you don’t do something. 

You run. 

“ _ STOP! _ ”

Like in the interrogation room, your voice explodes out like a blastershot, a shock wave. You skid across the snow into the space between them, the strength of your energy blowing them backwards before they can get close enough to clash again. 

They stumble backwards, slipping in the ice and muddy snow. Kylo is the first to recover, staring at you incredulously, but it is Rey whose voice meets you first. 

“What are you  _ doing?! _ ” she demands, frustration and outrage coloring her voice harshly. “Can’t you see I’m trying to  _ finish _ this?!”

“You’re not going to finish anything,” Kylo huffs, holding his injured shoulder with a scowl. “Do you even know what’s happening around you?” 

As if to emphasize his point, the ground once again tremors underneath the three of you. You stumble and barely keep your balance. Their voices are growing distant, colors less vibrant. Your vision swims. Your legs tremble.

Rey scowls, grip so tight on her blue lightsaber that her whole arm begins to shake. “I’m going to end this,” she snaps at Kylo. “However I can!”

“You don’t even know what you’re doing!” Kylo tells her sharply. “Do you think I can’t feel you picking around inside my head? There’s only so much of my knowledge you can  _ steal, _ Rey, without any training of your own!”

Rey growls through her teeth. “How  _ dare _ you stand there and  _ lecture me _ \--”

Her voice cuts off when your knees buckle. 

You crumple, landing limply in the snow. Cold begins to seep into your limbs as darkness inches into the edges of your vision. You’ve reached your limit. 

Their voices scream your name, nearby but distant. They appear above you, faces dirty and slicked with sweat and pain and worry. “St...op…” you croak out, hoping they hear you. Their thoughts are so faint. They whisper on the edges of your awareness, echoing over the sound of the screaming. People are dying and you can hear them. The whole planet is unstable now, crumbling apart under the First Order’s hubris. How could humans think they could truly own the power of a star?

People are dying as the base falls apart. People are dying as TIE fighters shoot down Resistance X-wings. People are dying as Starkiller Base implodes. 

It’s the exact same feeling you had on Takodana. The exhaustion makes it worse, you feel infinitely more helpless against the suffering, the terror, the pain. You can barely breathe as Rey drops to her knees beside you, scrambling to collect you into her arms and cradle you against her chest. 

“What have you done?” Kylo demands, standing over the both of you with worry making his voice harsh and angry. “You can’t--why did you--you can’t over-exert yourself like this! It could  _ kill _ you!”

“No no no no,” she babbles as tears pour down her face. “St-stay with me, please, stay with me,” she whispers your name desperately. “Wh-what do I… wh-what do…”

“We need to get her off the planet,” Kylo says hurriedly. He rakes his fingers through his messy, sweaty hair, thoughts a whirlwind as he thinks. “Dammit,” he swears, taking three or four quick steps away. “If we can get back to my shuttle--”

“I’m not letting you take  _ either  _ of us  _ anywhere! _ ”

In an echo of Rey’s shout, the planet  _ groans. _ It all but vibrates until your teeth rattle. You see Kylo stumble and flail to keep his balance, and then the ground tears open between you. Rey clutches your body as a horrified gasp explodes out of your chest, the splitting ground quickly making the distance grow between you and Kylo until he’s several yards away. The yawning chasm that separates you know stretches all the way to the planet’s core, molten magma lighting up the edges of the cliff. 

“N-no--” your body moves on its own. You’re too tired to control it, too tired to fight it. You nearly roll from Rey’s arms and stumble in the mud, one hand outstretched as the collapsing planet takes him further away from you. “ _ Kylo! _ ”

Rey balls her fists into the back of your jacket and that’s the only thing that keeps you from tumbling over the edge. She hauls you back, the blinding heat scalding both of your faces. “Don’t!” she yelps, but is it to keep you from falling, or to keep you from reaching out to Kylo?

He stares down into the chasm. It’s too wide for him to jump. You know that he knows it. He still considers it though, seconds stretching into infinity. Then, slowly, he looks up, and speaks to both of you.

_ Get her out of here, _ he thinks to Rey. He shuts off his lightsaber, now only lit by the light coming from below. Gold flickers like fire across the angles and plains of his pale face.  _ We’re out of time. _

“N-no--” you don’t have the strength to think a proper response as Rey rushes to haul you to your feet. You stretch out your hand, forgetting for a moment everything that he has done. All you can think about is how you’ve waited so long to be together--you can’t let yourselves be separated now. “W-we can’t--we can’t  _ leave  _ him!”

Rey makes a face,  _ Oh yes we can _ , but doesn’t argue it out loud. You have to lean heavily on her slight frame to stay upright, her deceptive strength obvious when she doesn’t appear to have any problem supporting you. 

Across the chasm, Kylo grins. It’s soft, a smile that threatens to crack his face and your heart in two. _Go,_ he assures you, and the grin melts into grim determination. _I’ll find you._ ** _Both_** _of you._

_ I’d like to see you try. _

Rey thinks it like she wants to spit the words, but he won’t hear her out loud. She ducks and drapes your arm around her shoulders, and forcibly turns you around. “Kylo--” you gasp. The darkness is closing in, faster now. You can barely see him. 

_ I’ll find you, _ he repeats his words in a gentle caress just for you.  _ I promise. _

You believe him. Despite everything, despite the turmoil inside your head and the bitterness that is coiling up inside your heart, you believe him. It had been hard to convince yourself to trust him before, but this… you know you can trust this. You’ll see him again. It’s a promise.

It takes all of your strength and Rey’s to turn away, but you manage. 

With Rey’s help, you half-stumble run your way back through the trees. It only seems to take a few moments before you find Finn again, despite how long you hand seemed to run before finding Rey and Kylo’s fight. 

The sight of him, broken and unconscious in the snow, makes a pained wail erupt out of Rey’s chest. She lets you go and you try to stay upright but you can’t. You drop right back down to your knees beside Finn’s body. Every breath shudders in your lungs. It’s getting harder and harder just to stay awake, let alone think straight. 

“Oh, Finn,” Rey sobs, clutching his jacket and bowing her head over the wound Kylo had caused and the one you had fixed. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… none of this would have happened if I hadn’t…”

She doesn’t complete the thought but she doesn’t need to. There are no more words left, for either of you. The trembling is getting worse. You can feel the implosion coming, it won’t be long now. Kylo had promised to find you, and he had meant it, but… but… 

Finn is unconscious. You’re not far behind. Rey can’t carry you both. Neither of you know where the  _ Millenium Falcon  _ could be. 

You’re out of options. And out of time. 

With a sniffle, Rey scrapes her tears away and looks up at you. She looks broken, almost childlike in her pain and grief. “Is this… it?” she whispers. 

You stare back at her. Every breath you take feels hollow. You can barely see straight. You’re going numb. The cold and the darkness is weighing you down and you worry you’re about to drown… but…

“No,” you manage to say. “I… made a promise…”

You close your eyes to Rey’s confusion. You focus, as deep and as hard as you can, stretching your thoughts out beyond the boundaries of your skull. You feel Rey, lighting you up and propelling you further. You feel Finn, quiet but bright. Just a little farther out you feel Kylo, dark and supportive, lending you strength.

You stretch out, as far as you can, and think,  **_We’re here!_ **

You don’t know if there is anyone left to hear you. Your mind is flung back into your body like a snapped rubber band and you grunt like you’ve been struck in the stomach. Rey yelps your name, just barely scrambling to your side fast enough to catch you when you fall sideways. 

She holds your head, cradled on her chest. She whispers your name, calloused fingers very gently brushing your hair out of your face. You feel her chapped lips against the top of your head. 

And then there is light.

At first, in your delirium, you think it is Rey, your unconscious awareness of her slipping in as you drift away. But then one of her hands leaves you to shield her eyes, and you know it’s not her. It’s someone else. 

A large black shape, blurry and formless behind the light, is descending just a few hundred yards away. “Ky…lo?” you wonder if he found his shuttle after all, and returned for you. But when the ship lands and a lumbering body sprints through the trees towards you, you know it’s not him. 

“Ch…” Rey whispers, hardly daring to believe. “Chewie?!”

It is Chewbacca who appears out of the darkness. He doesn’t speak when he reaches you, barely even pausing before he easily scoops Finn off the ground in one quick motion.  _ Chewie, _ you think, your eyes slipping closed in overwhelming relief.  _ It’s Chewie… he’s okay... _

In the chaos, you had completely forgotten about him, lost track of him after the oscillation chamber had been blown up. You’re glad to see him. So glad to know that he's okay. You feel awful for forgetting, for not trying to at least look for him after--after Han...

Rey lifts you off the ground.  Somehow, she manages to maneuver your limp body onto her back. Your nose comes to rest in her shoulder and you breathe in the smell of her as she and Chewie sprint through the trees back to the  _ Falcon. _ They get you on board, and carefully drop both you into the crew bunks. 

“Chewie,” you mumble, flailing an arm towards his blurry shape when he passes. You don't want to say it but you have to get the words out. The tears are blinding you. “Chew--I’m--I’m sorry… th-there was nothing I could--”

He growls, a grief-stricken but gentle  _ I know. _ He reaches out to carefully brush the hair off your face with a big dirty furry paw.  _ I know. _

He leaves and Rey follows him, running to the cockpit. Within moments, the  _ Falcon’s _ engines roar to life again. The ship shudders as it takes off. 

Seconds pass until you feel the shockwave of  _ Starkiller Base  _ finally explode, rattling the  _ Falcon _ ’s hull. It passes over you and grants you certainty, the First Order won’t be able to wipe out an entire solar system ever again. 

Only then, with that knowledge, do you finally give in to the darkness. 


	17. Chapter 17

Consciousness drifts in slowly, in stages. 

Warmth is the first thing you’re aware of. It spreads across your whole body, settling pleasantly against your skin. 

Next is a gentle breeze, smelling of springtime and rain. You follow the sensations, growing your awareness until you’re conscious enough to feel the rest of your body. 

You open your eyes. 

Sunlight is filtering down on you through the leaves of a tall tree, the branches shifting gently in the breeze. It casts a lacework of shadows across your face, making you blink against the glare. It’s so bright. You’ve never seen anything so bright before. 

“Hey, sleepyhead,” a kind voice calls out to you. 

It takes more effort than it should for you to sit up. You’re laying on the ground, soft grass tickling your fingers and bare toes. A small field of emerald green stretches out around you. Somewhere distant, you can hear the laughter of children. The sky is blue and clear and calm. 

Where… are you?

“What’cha doing over here all by yourself?”

You turn, but the motion is slow. Sluggish, as if your body isn’t quite awake yet. A man is standing a few paces away from you, dressed in denim and cotton. There’s a calm smile spread across his unfamiliar face. No, that’s not quite right. You _do_ recognize him, a little. 

He pulls his hands out of his pockets and comes closer, crouching down beside you while you sit in silence and blink owlishly at him. “You okay, kiddo?” he asks, the smile never wavering or fading. 

You don’t know. You look out into the field, confused by how it seems to stop suddenly just a few dozen yards ahead of you. You can still hear the laughter of the children, more voices that are too far away to make out. It’s a beautiful day and people are out in droves, milling about but you can’t see them from where you are. Wherever you are. 

“What…” you mumble. Your voice scratches. You clench and unclench your hands in the cloth of the white dress that just barely reaches past your knees. “Where… am… I?” 

The man tilts his familiar-unfamiliar head to the side. “Did you forget?” There’s a little bit of teasing in his tone. “You said you wanted to go out and play with the other kids, but it looks like you just decided to take a nap instead. Silly,” he admonishes you warmly. 

“...I did?” You must have forgotten, somehow. You clench and unclench your hands in your dress again. 

“Guess so,” the man holds out a hand as he straightens up again. “Come on, let’s head home. Dad’s got dinner waiting.”

“...dad…?” It sounds right. Except it doesn’t. Except it does. You stare up at this kind man with his familiar-unfamiliar face. “Are you… my dad?”

He looks surprised, just for a second. Then the smile is back, just a little more strained than before. “Of course I’m your dad, silly. Come on.”

He reaches out and scoops you up, holding you against his side with his arm around your tiny body. You hold on to him and rest your head on his shoulder, feeling strangely tired even though you only just woke up. His arms are strong and warm, the shifting of his body as he walks lulls you. Comforts you. 

“Oh,” his voice is deep and quiet. He fishes for something in his back pocket and you lift your head when he presents it to you. “You dropped this.”

It looks like a sliver of glass, shining like a shard of sunlight. It fits in the palm of his hand, but it feels larger as your small fingers close around it. He lets you take it, and puts his arm back around your leg to hold you. “It’s so pretty,” you murmur, holding the crystal tight. “...is it mine?”

“Yes,” he says, the smile fading into something serious, something scary. “Listen to me. You must never lose it again, do you understand? Keep it close to you always, but keep it hidden.”

You want to ask why but something in his face and his voice stops you. You hold the crystal and you nod, putting your head back down on your father’s shoulder. Your eyes slowly drift closed, but something draws your gaze back to the way you came. 

A thin gray ribbon is stretching up towards the sky. You see the tree you were laying under and realize it wasn’t a tree at all, but a large branch extending off of a much larger and thicker tree trunk that stretches up, higher than your head can crane back to see. Past that, though, just a few dozen feet further, you see the source of the gray ribbon. 

It’s a smouldering wreckage of burnt metal. You squint, trying to understand the odd shapes, the flat wings extending off of the round center. 

“I hope you’re hungry,” your father says, a smile in his voice. “I made your favorite, you know.”

You look down at him, wondering what your favorite is. When you look back, the wreckage is gone. 

_You cannot escape me forever._

\--x--

You jolt awake.

Your breathing is harsh and labored, close to choking. Your hands clench and unclench into the soft fabric underneath you--a blanket. It takes several moments of bleary-eyed confusion, but soon you begin to recognize what’s above you. 

It’s the ceiling of the _Millenium Falcon._

You’re laying on your back in one of the crew bunks that line the far wall of the common area. The lights are dim around you, a hum rolling through the metal walls and floor from the engines further below. Still speeding through hyperspace, if you had to guess. 

You sit up on your elbows and struggle to swallow around a thick lump in the base of your throat. There’s a deep hollow feeling in the pit of your chest that hurts to breathe around. Your eyes sting like you’ve been crying, but when you reach up to check your cheeks are dry. More than that, though, your limbs feel like lead. Every movement drags, like the signal between your brain and body is being jammed. 

You struggle to sit up in the small space and grimace as the movement makes your head pound and your vision swim. Your throat feels dry when you attempt to swallow again. 

Slowly, you reach up and trace the column of your throat until you feel the thick leather cord resting against your clavicle. Taking a deep breath, you hook your finger in the cord and carefully pull your necklace out from under your shirt. 

It still looks exactly the same as it did the day your father had given it to you. The almost-white crystal is about the length of your index finger, coming to a sharp point on one end. The leather cord is tied around it in an intricate knot, a few rings of silver metal holding it together. It reflects the dim light as you turn it this way and that, staring deep into the depths as if it will offer answers to all the silent questions running through your head. As if it had ever answered any of them before.

“Why…” you whisper into the silence. “Am I remembering that now…?”

You had thought, with the discovery of Rey and Kylo’s identities, you might start to understand the way your visions work. This one was different, more different than the slice-peeks you’d gotten into Rey and Kylo’s lives growing up. Usually your visions would present you with something unknown or unrelated, but this had been a memory. Almost. 

You remember the day you had fallen asleep on one of the grass-coated shelf-like plataus that dotted the city-trees of Arcadia. You remember how you had forgotten why you were there, and how your father had come to get you for dinner and warned you not to lose your crystal. He had fashioned the necklace for you the very next day. 

But the ship…

It had to have been a ship. The burning remains of a long-crashed TIE-fighter, your adult brain is able to recognize the shapes now. That had not been there that day. If a ship had crashed next to you, you would have woken to it. There wouldn’t have still been children playing around you. 

“ _Everything will make sense in time,_ ” your father had said to you, once upon a time a lifetime ago. Your patience is threatening to run out. You want things to start making sense _now_. Dropping your crystal and putting your head into your hands, you wish that Kylo was here, if only so that he might be able to explain--

Thinking about him brings back other memories. Starkiller Base. The evacuation and the explosion, getting separated by the planet falling apart, and Han--

Oh, God. _Han._

Immediately, your stomach twists into a gnarled ball of barbed wire. It stretches up and scratches the back of your throat so hard and sudden that you almost gag on the feeling. Hot tears blur your eyes, just for a moment, until you blink them back and hastily scrub them away. You take a sharp breath in and let it out slowly. 

It hurts to think about him. It hurts to imagine his scruffy rugged face, the fond annoyance of his rolled eyes, the quirk of his smirk when you did something that impressed him but refused to admit it. It hurts to see him standing on that catwalk, his hand outstretched--to Kylo, his son. 

His _son._

If you close your eyes you can still see it playing out on your eyelids. The blazing red of Kylo’s lightsaber as it explodes out through Han’s back. The shock on Han’s face that slowly went slack. The jagged broken feeling that had splintered inside of you and escaped when you screamed. 

More tears. You scrub these ones firmly away, too. 

Lifting your head and blinking until your vision clears, you look around the common room again. Your eyes are better adjusted to the dim lighting, you can make out the edges of the game table and the couches and the navigator’s station across the room. It’s silent and empty--almost.

You shift and your body twinges in protest. Your energy still hasn’t fully recovered, but you’re confident in your ability to at least get up and walk around. Carefully you slide out of the bunk. Your knees shake when you stand, but you don’t lose your balance. 

Finn is laying on his stomach on the couch, his body carefully arranged so he won’t slip and fall if the _Falcon_ turns too quickly. He’s still unconscious and doesn’t stir when you approach, even when you kneel down beside his head and gently stroke his thick cropped black hair. 

Healing his wound had been the right decision, despite the toll it had taken on your body. His face is still a little ashen, but he doesn’t look like he’s in pain. At least, he doesn’t look like he’s aware of it, if he is. 

“I’m sorry,” you whisper into the quiet. This is your fault. If you had been faster, if you had been able to get between him and Kylo sooner, then maybe he might not have… no. You shake your head and your eyes trail towards the gash in his jacket. Kylo had been too unhinged by the bloodlust. Nothing you could have said or done would have stopped his rampage. You stroke the back of Finn’s head again, scratching his springy tight black curls very gently with your nails. “When my energy is back, I… I’ll fix you up. Promise.”

He doesn’t respond, but you didn’t expect him to. Using the game table for support you get back up to your feet, and make your way out into the corridor. 

It’s only a few yards around the corner to the cockpit, but it feels like it takes forever to drag your half-responsive body across the distance. When you come to the doorway, hyperspace is streaking blue-white outside the transparisteel windows. Chewie and Rey are here, with him doing most of the piloting while she sits slumped against the wall in the co-pilot’s seat. The light is flickering across her face, eyes unfocused and expression distant. You’re too exhausted to feel her besides the faintest tingle of her presence rubbing against you. It doesn’t look like either of them have noticed you. 

To keep from startling them, you take a few steps backwards and approach again, making sure to scuff your boots on the floor. This time Chewie lifts his head and turns over his shoulder, growling a soft and simple, “Hey.” 

“Hey,” you whisper back. Rey shifts at the sound of your voice, looking up and around. You smile at her, as much as you can, and ask, “How long have we…?”

“A few hours,” she murmurs. You step forward and move to lean on the back of her seat, but she grabs your hand when you lift it. She holds you tight and looks up at you with wide tired eyes. “Are you okay?”

“I’ve been better,” you admit, squeezing her tightly. “But yeah. I’m good.”

“Did you…” she stops to swallow, closing her eyes tightly for a moment before she tries again. “Did you check on Finn? Is he…?”

You smile as best as you can, but you’re sure that it’s strained and tight-lipped. “Still out. But he seems okay, for the moment.”

She breathes out slowly, deflating with the effort. “Good,” she murmurs, slumping back in her seat and putting her free hand on her forehead. “That’s… good.”

You knit your brows together, taking in the bags of exhaustion under her eyes. “I can take over for you, if you need to rest…”

She’s already shaking her head before you finish. “No,” she mumbles immediately. “I’m okay. This… relaxes me. I’ll rest when we get there.”

You look back out into hyperspace through the windows. “Where are we going?”

“Back to base,” Chewie grows and grunts, reaching up to flip a switch that makes the _Falcon_ shudder. “Ileenium System.”

“The Resistance base?” you blink, though it shouldn’t surprise you. It isn’t as if you have anywhere else to go. Chewie nods an affirmative, but Rey looks up at you with concern in her eyes.

“Is that alright?” she murmurs quietly. “I know you didn’t… want to go there, before.”

You make a face, then let out a long sigh. “...it’s fine,” you mumble eventually. You give her another smile, though it’s a bit harder to manage. “I’ll be fine.”

She doesn’t look entirely convinced. Her eyes narrow, just a little, and you feel a bit of pressure prodding against your skull. You squint back at her, not having the energy to keep her at bay. “I’m _fine_ , I promise.”

Luckily she relents after another moment. “Okay,” she sighs, and leans back against the seat to start staring out the windows again. 

You squeeze her hand one more time before slipping from her grasp. You slide into the jumpseat behind Chewie so she can turn and see you easily, and find your body melts against the black leather tiredly. Somehow, just moving around a little bit has completely exhausted you again. As soon as you settle down, it’s a struggle to keep your eyes open. 

You want to stay awake, unwilling to let go of consciousness again. But then a gruff voice, not Rey’s or Kylo’s, drifts across your thoughts. 

_Just get some sleep, kid._

You sleep.

\--x--

The next time you wake up after a thankfully vision-less sleep, the _Millennium Falcon_ is bursting out of hyperspace into view of a medium-sized planet speckled with brown and green. With a grunt and a scowl, Chewie pilots the _Falcon_ through a belt of crumpled rock and debris that rings the planet, directing you down towards the surface. 

You rub your eyes and sit up, the movement coming a little easier now. “Where are we?” you mumble the question.

“D’Qar,” Chewie answers you with a rolling grumble. “Leia’s base.”

Leia, Chewie says, but it doesn’t take a genius to know he really means Senator-turned-General Organa. Her family name carries a lot of weight throughout the galaxy, and that doesn’t even take into account her personal reputation. Fighting alongside Han and Luke Skywalker in the original rebellion against the Empire had earned her more than a few legendary tales of her own. You wonder, idly in your tired brain, if she’ll live up to those tales. You’d imagine some of them have to be true if she’s managed to almost single-handedly run the whole force of the Resistance since the First Order started fighting back against the Republic…

Now that you think about it, though… such as the Resistance stands, it probably won’t be very difficult to run it, now.

Chewie guides the _Falcon_ through D’Qar’s asteroid belt while Rey acts as his support. You sit and stare as you break through the atmosphere, clouds parting until you’re flying above the planet’s surface. Much like Takodana, the D’Qar is made up of lush towering forests of natural and overgrowing green, only without as many lakes to break up the trees. Once again, you feel a pang in your heart as you remember your vision-memory of Arcadia. It’s odd how so many of the planets you’re visiting lately are reminding you of your home. 

You chance a glance at Rey, but she doesn’t look quite as awed by D’Qar as she had been with Takodana. When Chewie comes across a break in the jungle, he grunts as a long and well-used landing runway previously hidden by rolling hills comes into view. When the _Millennium Falcon_ enters it’s landing process, Rey’s movements are neither hurried or excited. She’s in no rush to jump out and explore.

You don’t know if that should worry you, or not. 

As the _Falcon_ drops down and the engines begin to slow, huge stone doors open out of the sides of the hills, revealing short but wide fighter hangars. People start spilling out, cheers and laughter echoing through the _Falcon_ ’s hull. 

“They’re happy,” Rey murmurs.

“We destroyed Starkiller Base,” you say, remembering the wash of heat that had scalded the _Falcon_ just before it jumped into hyperspace and you fell unconscious. “That’s… something to celebrate. It’s… probably the first win the Resistance has had in a long time.”

Rey nods slowly, and Chewie nods in agreement, but as the exuberantly welcoming crowd rushes up to greet the _Falcon_ ’s triumphant return, none of you feel the need to hurry out of the cockpit. 

The passing of time grows strange after that. You feel like you’re struggling to move through tar while everyone else passes around you on fast-forward. When the three of you are finally able to drag yourselves out of the cockpit, you and Rey follow Chewie back into the common area like lost children. She clutches your hand as Chewie carefully maneuvers Finn into his arms with more gentleness than you thought him capable of, and you trail after him out of the _Falcon_ into the celebrating crowd. It only takes a few moments before a small cargo shuttle drives up to you, the flat bed open to accommodate Finn’s body as a small team of medical officers swarm him. “We’ve got a heartbeat,” one says to the others. “Let’s go!”

They drive off with Chewie in tow, and then you and Rey are left standing in a small awkwardly silent bubble amidst the celebrations. Pilots and officers and technicians pass around you like a stream around a rock, and though you all had a hand in this victory, you can’t shake the burn in your throat long enough to feel happy about it. 

You can’t decide if the cost of this victory had been worth it. 

She almost seems to melt out of the crowd. You don’t notice her until she’s standing right before you and Rey, a small but solid-looking woman in a functional grey jumpsuit and a faded purple vest. There’s a tickle in the side of your head that feels like recognition of the motherly lines on her face, and you would probably have known immediately who this woman is even if her salt-and-pepper brown hair wasn’t fashioned into a crown braid circling the top of her head. 

As her dark eyes roam over first Rey and then you, and you wonder what it is she’s seeing. Neither of you must look very impressive. You haven’t properly showered since the _Eravana_ and you doubt Rey has _ever_ had a proper shower before at all. You’re both covered in a fine layer of sweat, dirt, grime, and ash, clothing stained and torn. Half of Rey’s hair isn’t even contained in her buns anymore. You don’t even want to imagine what your own must look like by this point. 

But if Leia Organa is at all put off by any of this, her expression doesn’t show it. She doesn’t say anything at all as she looks the both of you over for several long moments. You can’t quite figure out why her eyes seem so familiar until they’re looking straight into your own. 

You understand, in that moment, the exact way you had understood when Han had faced down Kylo on that catwalk. 

Leia is Kylo’s mother. 

“I--” the word bubbles out of you, choked and strained, like half of you is forcing it out and the other is trying to drag your voice back in. You don’t know what to say but the need to say _something_ is overwhelming you. 

But Leia doesn’t give you the chance. She steps forward with an elegance that should be preserved for a grand palace ballroom, not a cracked Resistance runway, and wraps one arm around your shoulders and the other around Rey’s, and tucks you both against her shoulders like you’re lost children who have finally come home. 

Your eyes burn. You don’t think this hug is meant for you. It’s too familiar, too warm, too… _motherly._ This feeling makes your throat close up, makes you feel small and lost and scared, but Leia just holds you tighter. 

Neither you nor Rey have ever known a mother’s hug before this moment. 

You wonder if Leia knows that. 

Somehow, you think, as you close your eyes and let your head fall forward onto Leia’s shoulder, even despite everything that has happened and everything he has done… you hope that Kylo can feel her arms, too.


End file.
